Help me please

[wanttobehappy]

My bf has BPD, he just doesnt believe in getting help. Relies heavily on alcohol or weed to fill his void. Recently he is having trouble at his work place and only talks about how much he hates his manager, I have been trying to supportive. However, lately he is been having random outbursts of anger, like I can't say anything he will start making comments and gets angry. I don't know how to deal with this, because it's bringing my own mood down and I don't feel like being compassionate towards him anymore. Anyone else in the same boat?

Just yesterday he blew up on me atleast three times which brought my mood down and at the end of the day he is saying 'no body loves me or cares about me', well how can I feel loving towards him when he has been mean to me :c

Feeling low today, I need a hug 

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[Tattered Heart]

HI wanttobehappy,

I'm sorry that you are going through such a hard time with your bf. My H is also having extreme difficulties at work and is obsessing over it. Has your bf begun to look for a new job?

I know for many people with BPD when they feel life stress, they tend to blow up quicker and take it out on anyone who is around them, which is usually those of us in a relationship with them.

When he begins to get angry at you, how do you respond?

Is there a particular subject that he gets mad about or is it random?

Does he give you any signs that he is starting to get worked up?

[wanttobehappy]

HI wanttobehappy,

I'm sorry that you are going through such a hard time with your bf. My H is also having extreme difficulties at work and is obsessing over it. Has your bf begun to look for a new job?

I know for many people with BPD when they feel life stress, they tend to blow up quicker and take it out on anyone who is around them, which is usually those of us in a relationship with them.

When he begins to get angry at you, how do you respond?

Is there a particular subject that he gets mad about or is it random?

Does he give you any signs that he is starting to get worked up?

Hello Thanks for responding!
Well, yes he has reduced the hours on his contract and will be looking into getting a new job and he wants to study computers so I am being supportive of that. I do alot of the CV and job application for him as I am better at it and I don't mind it. I will be applying for some help desk computer jobs that could possibly add some experience while he is studying.

To answer your questions-
1. When he gets angry with me I get very emotional, if it's the first outburts I am still okay but as the outburts gets more and more it turns to lower my mood and you can really tell. I don't say much, I keep it to myself as I don't know what to say to stop it. For him after he lets it out he acts like nothing happened 10 minutes ago and like I supposed to act normal and happy like nothing ever happened. When I fail to that he says either I dont care about him, or I am so boring/ I am not helping him with his mood.

2. Random things, mostly can be because I share a different opinion on the matter than him. Which pisses him off, so I never share my view point now anyways. It sucks that I have to be careful around everything I do and that I cannot express my true feeling as it might trigger him.

3. He starts to push away, like I am a person who like to cuddle or touch but lately everytime I get close he will push me away. I tried to cuddle him and he says 'It's too hot' or i try to kiss him he makes faces and then he says I dont show him love. Because he doesn't let me get close to him. Yesterday morning he woke up, I went it for a hug anf he just pushed me off and said where is my energy drink?

All this has started to really get me low, he will be loving for a bit and then pushy the next day. It's like never knowing who is waking up to be. He also gets extremely bored on his day offs but doesn't like doing activities that I offer him such as go out to towns or play something outside. He just loves to drink and play video games and expects me to sit my his side and watch it with him 

[Tattered Heart]

1. When he gets angry with me I get very emotional, if it's the first outburts I am still okay but as the outburts gets more and more it turns to lower my mood and you can really tell. I don't say much, I keep it to myself as I don't know what to say to stop it. For him after he lets it out he acts like nothing happened 10 minutes ago and like I supposed to act normal and happy like nothing ever happened. When I fail to that he says either I dont care about him, or I am so boring/ I am not helping him with his mood.

Do you feel like this works well for you? Is it improving things or making them worse? I also tend to take a withdraw approach to my H. When I see myself doing that I have to remind myself that this is my version of walking on egg shells. Could there be a way to address his feelings before they get to the point of blowing up? We have several workshops on validating and not being invalidating. You can find those links on the right side of hte page and it might really help find a new way to respond to him.

2. Random things, mostly can be because I share a different opinion on the matter than him. Which pisses him off, so I never share my view point now anyways. It sucks that I have to be careful around everything I do and that I cannot express my true feeling as it might trigger him.

Yes, I understand this completely. My H really doesn't want to hear my opinion if it's different than his. I also tend to not share my POV. I am pretty opinionated about a lot of things but I can't share those with him. One thing though that I've found is that when my H begins sharing his strong opinions, he usually is being emotionally affected by something he read on FB or in the news. Again, I validate him and ask him questions about how it is affecting him.

3. He starts to push away, like I am a person who like to cuddle or touch but lately everytime I get close he will push me away. I tried to cuddle him and he says 'It's too hot' or i try to kiss him he makes faces and then he says I dont show him love. Because he doesn't let me get close to him. Yesterday morning he woke up, I went it for a hug anf he just pushed me off and said where is my energy drink?

Sadly, this is part of push/pull that comes with BPD. When things get too intimate, they push away.

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[wanttobehappy]

Do you feel like this works well for you? Is it improving things or making them worse? I also tend to take a withdraw approach to my H. When I see myself doing that I have to remind myself that this is my version of walking on egg shells. Could there be a way to address his feelings before they get to the point of blowing up? We have several workshops on validating and not being invalidating. You can find those links on the right side of hte page and it might really help find a new way to respond to him.
 

Yes, I understand this completely. My H really doesn't want to hear my opinion if it's different than his. I also tend to not share my POV. I am pretty opinionated about a lot of things but I can't share those with him. One thing though that I've found is that when my H begins sharing his strong opinions, he usually is being emotionally affected by something he read on FB or in the news. Again, I validate him and ask him questions about how it is affecting him.

Sadly, this is part of push/pull that comes with BPD. When things get too intimate, they push away.

1. Definitely it doesn't work for both of us. Just yesterday we had another blow up, my bf has been recently taking codeine in medication form to relieve pain. I felt like he is not getting more and more used to having this as a form of escape. After one dose I asked him not to take any more (only because I care about him) either way he blew up saying I am trying to control him and that if it helps him with his pain then why should I care and he doesnt care whether he is alive or dead anyways. I suppose from now onwards I am going to stay right out of telling him anything as he relying on alcohol/weed/codeine for his pain and avoids therapy as he believes it wont help him. Does you husband rely on similar things? Also, I am very bad at validating and I think that's the first thing I should start by practicing, I often forget in better times that my bf has a disorder and the way I can communicate to other is not the way to communicate to him. I will start reading more positive books and I head mindfullness exercises works as well.

2. Can you tell me how you deal with being disrespected by your husband. Everytime there is a blow up he seems to be disrespecting more and more and this was never the case before. It is the only thing that hurts me alot, as I cannot believe someone who might love me is also saying horrible things to me. I feel this is the only thing that makes me hurt and pull away from him. Today I just want to be by myself and spend a bit time caring for me. I often find it hard to pull away or walk away when he is screaming but I think that's the best way for me. So, that I do not have to hear amy more of those painful things.