Im a lost scared parent

[Soc]

My child currently has me painted as all bad. I raised my child for 16 yrs as a single parent.

Last Christmas Eve, I snapped after having roughly 10 Christmases ruined, I ruined it this time. I was still angry and upset from the night before, from a meltdown.

 Ive always tried to the right things at Christmas. You know make cookies, wrap presents, decorate,gingerbread house etc. As most of you know all of this cant happen in one day. i tried getting my child involved as per our traditions. To no avail. On the actual day of Christmas Eve, my child decides to actually try to put up our tree. I was still upset, and could not even gather the strength to try. I knew it was not going to happen in one day,nor did I have any indication that we were going to have our Christmas at all.

We needed a few items from the store for dinner so we went, we were getting along better by then, I had forgotten my cell phone and asked my child to quickly look up a recipe for a food item that she wanted. She refused with a "why should I?'

I blew up in the store, not causing a scene but she knew I was really upset, threatened to break her laptop and cell phone. She started in the store, we came home and told her mother that she was afraid of me. mother called the police and came and got her. The mother is an NPD, and took full advantage of this and continues to fuel my child's fire.

My daughter finally after years of trying made a great birthday for me and a great Thanksgiving last year. She would have made it a great Christmas too but there was too much to be done in one day.

My daughter has split from me, only talks to me when she wants something or to berate me.  I fell asleep watching a movie tonight and woke up when a choir was singing "Silent Night". I immediately broke down. Im overwhelmed by guilt. I miss my daughter and dont know what to do to regain her trust again. I was a good Father and a Great Daddy. She had spent 85% of her life with me, i made her my world. I dont know what to do. I know she has this horrible disorder but I snapped at my baby. On Christmas Eve no less. Im ashamed of myself.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Christmas was a long time ago.  What's been going on since then? How is the communication?

[Soc]

It was going good until I questioned her therapist, and asked for an intake document,which Im entitled to by law. The Therapist discontinued therapy. Would not tell me why. However she did tell my daughter that I was interfering in her therapy. This upset my daughter greatly. I was not in the least all I wanted was one document. Which took me a month to get. Till this day I have no idea what the therapist has told my daughter. My daughter has just barely started texting me again and its very sporadic. Christmas seems just like it was yesterday.

My daughter does not remember any of our good times,despite hundreds of photos, showing us doing things together, Disney,Zoo, camping, trips birthdays etc. She knows its her in the photos,but does not recall the situations. Im being judged by a few situations in which we had a problem, and those she doesnt remember correctly. Now Im all bad.

[Feeling Better]

So sorry to hear of your problems with your daughter, it is a horrible thing to go through when you're split black. My son split me black over a year ago and since then he has gone to live in a different country and wants nothing to do with me. I know how unfair it all feels, I don't even know whether it's possible to bring any borderlines back from the black and if it is I wouldn't know how. My son is in denial he thinks I am the one with a problem so I really don't know what to do. Please hang in there, I hope with all my heart that you are able to become white again soon with your daughter, sorry I am unable to offer anything constructive as I am still learning myself, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone x

[incadove]

I hear you, the pain of feeling like you have somehow broken everything is awful.  I think the answer is knowing that you didn't.  You are human, you snapped at some rude behaviour, and other than that you consistently try to support and love you daughter.

Maybe send her an email or written letter, letting her know gently that you do not think the black painting is accurate.  Let her know you care about her, that you love her, and that you will respect her space and you will always be there if she needs you.  Send her occasional presents from your heart, if you want to.  If she starts berating you, if its reasonable or at least I-messages listen, but if its abusive try to gently say, this is not how you are willing to be talked to and you'd love to talk to her another time.  Or if you can handle it, just hear her out and validate the feelings but express that you do not see it that way.

I think, not pulling to hard but letting her know you are still there and that nothing she can do will stop you from caring for her, may make both of you feel a little better.  It may be long or short before she contacts you again, but you can still let her know who you are without expecting or asking for response.

In the meantime so important to support yourself, focus on your work, other children, volunteer work, anything that is meaningful to you.  I find it helpful to volunteer with other children in a professional environment, it gives me a broader understanding and helps fill the hole, and I can role model from people who work with difficult kids in a professional way.

Take care of yourself, she will need you sooner or later.  It sounds like the relationship with your wife is difficult also, that can be so painful when its a triangle.  Try to stand up for yourself in a kind and gentle way, but you deserve fair treatment too.  Good luck.

[Soc]

Feeling Better, Thank you.

She was against her mother for 16 yrs, and suddenly her mother is the good person, we just started talking again. I t seems strained like it is tonight. We were supposed to get together but her mother dumped her on her half sister instead of encouraging her to see me. Very hard to work with her NPD mother.

[Soc]

IncaDove, Thank you.

Im at a loss as to how to fill my time,nothing seems to work for me. I made my daughter my world and now my world is gone from me. We have been texting some,I know that is a start but Ive tried so many things I cant even think straight anymore. She doesnt realize that Ive always loved her. My heart is breaking, and she doesnt seem to care. I used to be her hero, I may just be a bit above zero now, Im not sure of anything anymore.

[Soc]

Feeling Better I truly hope things work out for you soon, this pain we feel does not seem to want to leave.

[incadove]

@Soc  also one other thing to remember, this age (16 thru about 20, maybe even longer) is a very natural time for kids to break away from their parents, even non-BPD kids become more rebellious and independent at this age.

IncaDove, Thank you.

Im at a loss as to how to fill my time,nothing seems to work for me. I made my daughter my world and now my world is gone from me.

Yeah, as a single dad trying to do your best with a child with very strong needs I could really see that.  I think now though its probably actually good for her if she sees you are ok without her, so if you work to develop other relationships and meaning in your life, that is actually helping her.  Are you dating?  Finding a romantic relationship to balance things out and having a partner to be close with also may help a lot. 

I think it sounds like you did a good job, and I bet she knows you do care about her.  If you can help yourself be stable and happy and send her periodic messages of love and support without needing anything back from her, I think that will help her through this tricky period of becoming a young adult.

Good luck!  Raising a kid, esp with BPD, is not easy!

[Feeling Better]

Thank you for your well wishes. I have read loads of stuff on this website and if it's any consolation to you, please be aware that according to various posts pwBPD tend to split from the ones that they care about the most. This makes complete sense to me as it is only the ones that you care about the most that can hurt you the most. I sincerely hope that you can take some solace from that. You say your daughter is texting you now which is a positive thing and a step in the right direction, I hope you manage to keep in touch and start to build bridges.
Good Luck!

[Lollypop]

Feeling Better I truly hope things work out for you soon, this pain we feel does not seem to want to leave.

I just wanted to say   and welcome you too.

The pain doesn't leave on its own. It's in your control. Your journey starts with focussing on your own needs, your life, your own well-being. This demonstrates to your daughter that you care for yourself, she'll learn from it. She'll respect you for it too.

Hugs

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Soc]

Has anyone had any success with reuniting with their BPD child? It seems like every step forward  for us there are 2 backward. I dont know what to do anymore,I raised her for 16 yrs by myself and she has painted me the bad guy again. days ago things were going well until she had a nightmare about me yelling at her and pulling her hair. She relates things that have never happened and believe them. Im feeling really lost without her. She has been violent , has yelled and screamed at me in public and in private. I know she has this terrible disorder,but I remember all the good times she and I had together. She doesnt. She knows its her in the photos but does not remember the events that happened. She focuses on a few bad times and relives them. My God why cant she see the smiles and love in the photos? How do i get her to remember?

[Lollypop]

Hi soc

It's incredibly painful and so frustrating that we just can't make our kids remember our version of events. My DS had and still has skewed versions because his memories are his own reality, his truth.

I reconnected with my DS26 when he was 24. This was through more effective communication and validation skills. Slowly, and I mean very slowly, he started to respond positively to me. At one point he asked to see his old photos and we got them out and spent a few hours together looking st them. He'd been unable to look at them for years and I remember I posted about it. I asked why he covered his bedroom wall with his photos and the reply I got explained that he was remaking his past. This was because he was feeling loved.

I encourage you to start reading about BPD and this will really help you better understand why your daughter behaves the way she does. Yiu can learn a new way of interacting with her that can improve your relationship. Better boundaries can help you cope with her more negative behaviours.

There's hope. We've found a way to have our DS in our lives, we are happy despite the problems.

How often do you see your daughter?
LP

[Soc]

Hi Lolly. First off I dont know what DS or DS26 is.

Im glad your son is on the mend with you.

I see her once or twice a week, or less or more. It is at her discretion.

[Turkish]

Hi Soc,

We tend to be liberal with the acronyms here, apologies.  I spent months here at first trying to make sense of them, and I'm glad you asked because I never did (I was too timid, perhaps). ":)ear Son, age 26" is DS26. This will help:

What do all these abbreviations and terms mean?

[Mamadukes]

Haha, I have looked at the definitions of the acronyms before, but somehow I had it in my head that ":)" was for "diagnosed"!  ":)ear" is much nicer )

YES, Soc, reading BPD materials can be incredibly helpful. Here's a book list on this site: https://bpdfamily.com/content/book-reviews. My current favorite is not on this list: Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change, by Valerie Porr. And there's a lot of material on this site (look to your right, in the sidebar links).

Peace,
MamaD

[Turkish]

D could also indicate diagnosed... .

[Soc]

Lolly, you said:

"The pain doesn't leave on its own. It's in your control. Your journey starts with focussing on your own needs, your life, your own well-being. This demonstrates to your daughter that you care for yourself, she'll learn from it. She'll respect you for it too."

I can not presume to be in control of my pain. My physical pains from spinal injuries are a walk in the park compared to this.

I made my daughter "My World" for 16 yrs. I was both mother and father. mom and dad. hairstylist, cook, housekeeper, story teller, teacher, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, Pirate, spaceman, a shoulder to cry on, her confidant,Doctor, and dentist etc. I was a hero, she thought I could beat up pro-wrestlers. I was her world as well.
The fall from Grace has been a long hard fall. I vowed many years before she was born that I would never let my child suffer like I did when I was growing up. I may have spoiled her, I dont know.She didnt want for anything. I was happy and so was she. She brought me the greatest joy I have ever known.
She had me on a pedestal, so high up that I couldnt be seen, the Pedestal I stood on was very high, and very narrow. I had to stand on a tiptoe to not fall off. I was fine with this. One day the pedestal started rocking, that was okay I kept my balance. Then another day it was kicked out from under me and I didnt know why. Then she changed, She exhibited the signs of Aspergers, and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I went to counseling with her for years. I know at times I reacted poorly to what was going on,but it was hard to take, Ive been abused, violently and mentally. Then she split on me and I was the bad guy. The other night she saw me and we went out for a burger. I cracked a joke and she laughed for about 5 minutes(she has a very distinctive laugh) and it was a very hearty REAL laughing from her. I tried to laugh with her, I faked it. I was almost in tears because I havent heard her laugh in about 7 months. I was ecstatic.
Sorry about rambling but to address your comment, I do take care of myself, I force myself to eat, do chores etc.
I have no desire to do anything these days. She has for years felt she was a burden to me, I always told her I wasnt. Im not too sure that my taking care of myself is a good idea. She may think that she was right that she was a burden. My life is empty without her. I go through the motions of existing, not living. My house is not a home any more, its a cold empty place. I always told her that "Home is where the Heart is" My heart has been ripped out of my chest and is walking around out there somewhere without me. I want it back. More than anything on this earth. She always felt that it was her job to take care of me. So me taking care of myself may backfire.

Sorry for rambling I havent heard from her in 2 days and dont know why.

[Lollypop]

Hi soc

How old is your daughter?

Do you have any support in friends or family?

LP

[Soc]

Hi Lolly,

My daughter is 16.

My daughter is basically all that is left of my family. My brother is 80 and is senile.

I have one friend, she is like a sister to me. She has her family to contend with.

My daughter wanted for us to get something to eat tonight, and at the last minute she backed out and disappeared from Texting me. She is depressed. You know what so am I. This happened at the same time that her evil mother had lunch break. I can only assume that she put the wrong thoughts into my daughter's head again.
Her mother has been undermining me for years and my daughter has not had to deal with her and didnt want to. Her mother was the actual bad guy in my daughter's life. When my daughter still believed in Santa she each year would ask him for a new mother. How sad is that. Now Im the bad guy. I dont understand anything anymore.

[Lollypop]

Hi Soc

I can hear your pain and distress. Im so very sorry you're going through this.

The more I tried to cling onto my DS the more he backed away. At 16 he was very tricky and I didn't know how to handle the situation. I felt very sorry for myself for a very long time. I was stuck, emotionally bouncing around, reacting and making things a whole lot worse. I just wasn't thinking straight. There I was in this chaos and completely overwhelmed, distressed, feeling abandoned because I loved my son so much but he couldn't see it. Our relationship was not balanced. I put more in than him and I couldn't hear the alarm bells of co-dependency.

I miss my daughter and dont know what to do to regain her trust again.

Of course you miss her. You clearly love her very much. It took me a very long time to get my DS's trust back. This starts with you starting to change your approach. It takes work and commitment from you to become the parent your daughter needs (not the one you thought you should be). I say this with kindness. i encourage you to read about BPD (top right hand side of this page). It will help you understand and gain a more calmer outlook. Your daughter needs you to be calm.

She always felt that it was her job to take care of me. So me taking care of myself may backfire.

Taking care of yourself is not just the physical, practical things like doing chores and eating. It's about you living a happier life doing things that you enjoy. It's about investing in yourself so that you're a happier person to be around.  This started by taking responsibility for myself, I sought help from my Dr and I arranged counselling sessions. I got to work on the forum improving my communication skills and learning how to more effectively interact with my family.

We have a healthier relationship now, despite the problems.

Getting back on track with a relationship is possible but it takes us to change our approach. It starts by our understanding the situation.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

Did your daughter contact you? I know you were sad about not hearing from her. It's tough. 

Hugs

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Hi Soc

I hear you - any detachment can be really painful.  I think Lollypop is right though, sometimes they need us to change.  I remember very clearly the day when my dd, who I was very close to, told me straight out  "I need you to be more of a parent" meaning less of a close friend.  And I tried, and it really hurt, to let go of some of that closeness! Still that was easier than what you are facing now, because she asked me to.  Its different if they are just cutting you off.  I don't know what your dd feels or thinks but she may need to know you are there for her just for her, as a parent, and you are able to meet your own needs independently - it sounds harsh but my dd needed that from me.  And it was really really painful for a long time.  I am not as good at empathy as some.  but I have some tiny inkling of how sad you may be.  One thing helps - no one can take away from you that you will always be there for her, that is under your own control.  Good luck on the journey.   

[Soc]

I put on a good act, I act very happy around her. I have always been a parent not her buddy.I was a damned good parent as well. I cant even get her to text me, let alone show her how I am doing.

Basically there are not things that I want to do. Life has lost its color.

[Soc]

For the record, Im not co-dependent, I had to be all things for my child because the mother was both emotionally and physically unavailable.

If I had a fully functioning daughter that went off and got married, sure Id have that empty nest thing. This is far more than empty nest. My daughter has a disorder that I cant fix, that is beyond my control,that has done much damage to our life. Would any of you say I was codependent or need to get a life if my child was in St Jude's suffering from some insidious disease. Something that changed those families lives so drastically?

BPD is as close to a death of a child as I can imagine. Do those poor people that have experienced that have a life? Can they act happy? are they codependent? I think not.

[shoredad]

Hey Soc,

I read your posts and can relate. When my oldest daughter (now 16) called me 2 years ago to tell me that she realized I was her only obstacle and she was 'just done' with me, I wasn't prepared. Even though I knew she was always a challenge, I thought it was due to my divorce and how my ex was raising her, which was of course a part of it - but it was much bigger than that.

Agree with the others. The more I learned about BPD and worked with a very good counselor, the easier it has become to not personalize what she says and how she acts. Recently my youngest daughter basically had the same conversation with me, but this time I was ready. It still hurt very much, but I knew that she was being influenced/poisoned by my oldest. So, I was able to refute pretty much everything she said about me, while gently reminding her of all the good things we've shared. She said she wants to take a break from our relationship for the summer, and I actually felt honest and whole when I told her that I respected her decision. Somehow, I feel that she will be back ... .and her older sister will follow.

But until I've been able to separate myself in some ways from the BPD drama, I took everything personally and thought I had suddenly become a bad dad. It's not true at all and I'm sure it's not true for you either.

SD

[incadove]

Hi Soc I just wanted to apologize if I sounded judgmental.  All I can really do is share my own experiences, I'm no expert and I don't know you or your daughter.  I know a little about how much this hurts and I don't want in any way to add to your pain.

It helped me a lot the times my daughter has been able to tell me what she needs from me instead of just pushing away.  It varies.  But when she can tell me, it helps me a lot.  Sometimes she's very self aware.

Hope things get better with you and your daughter.

[Soc]

My daughter and I went to a cabin for 3 days, at first we got along great, then her old demons started her going after me. I was called a liar for things she didnt remember. It seems like everything I did was wrong in her eyes.

Do any of you parents find that before or during an event or situation that is supposed to be joyful, or fun. That your child sabotages the event and turns it the other way?

[MomMae]

Hi Soc,

I am very sorry that your trip to the cabin did not turn out as planned; that you feel it was sabotaged by your daughter.  Yes, my daughter, 20, does that all the time.  I think it is a very common BPD characteristic.  I am not sure if it is purposeful or not, but I do know at the time it feels very purposeful. 

My husband was the first to notice this characteristic in our daughter.  It wasn't just special family events that she would sometimes sabotage. It was (is) also milestones and accomplishments in her own life.  Like how if I didn't discover that she was failing one course in high school in final semester, she would not have graduated and would not have been eligible for the nursing program she was so proud to have been accepted in.  On one hand she was purposely hiding the fact that she was failing chemistry, while at the same time she was so proud to have got into the very competitive nursing program.  Sabotaging her own success.  She did the same thing last year when twice in her final semester of the said nursing program, she had behavioural episodes that threatened her completion.  Yes, we saved her again and helped with the logistics of finishing.  Maybe some would call it enabling, but I call it caring.  Then she got her first nursing job of which she was so proud, and within a month, she threw it all away for a disgusting guy... .

So, yes, I totally understand the sabotaging thing.  Coincidentally, we are just about to leave on a week's vacation at a rented cottage and DD is coming.  I am so, so scared of it turning out like your trip to the cabin.  I understand when you say that it seems everything you do is wrong in her eyes.  Recently my daughter even raged that we were too nice to her.  How do you win that one? 

I do know that the only thing that does help me is to detach from the situation at hand.  I try not to let her ruin things for all of us - that has happened way too many times.  We will try to go on with our plans and leave her to pout on her own.  Yes, it puts a huge damper on things, and I do feel like I am faking it, but it is better than engaging with her when she is like that.  It is pointless and beyond frustrating to try to reason with her.

It is very clear that you are a good and loving father.  All I can offer is empathy.  I understand how you feel and you are not alone.

   MomMae

[Soc]

@mommae,

I hope your trip goes well for you, I too have been accused of being to nice. I dont get that one either.

[wendydarling]

Hi there Soc

My daughter and I went to a cabin for 3 days, at first we got along great, then her old demons started her going after me. I was called a liar for things she didnt remember. It seems like everything I did was wrong in her eyes.

Do any of you parents find that before or during an event or situation that is supposed to be joyful, or fun. That your child sabotages the event and turns it the other way?

Some parents experience sabotaging, blame, rage and other parents do not, BPD is broad and our situations are unique, it's our personal challenge here to understand our child to help them, the tools and lessons to our right  help us work through changing the way we communicate. If you look through the tools which jump out to you Soc? For me the two most powerful tools are listening with empathy and validate the valid, they work!

Small gentle steps   we are walking this path together.

Hope

WDx