I have allowed people with BPD or other emotional manipulative disordered people into all of my adult life.

[Joe77]

Anyone feel they have been down this road before? And now everything makes sense. This is a vicious cycle of rinse dry repeat but Each partner it got worse. You understand what it is because you have exhausted yourself with information but the pain is still real.

[once removed]

hi Joe,

what do you mean when you say youve been down this road before, and each partner got worse? do you think this is not your first relationship with someone who has BPD traits?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Joe,

It sounds like you're describing my relationship history    I'm interested to hear more.  What brought you to us and how can we best support you?

Love and light x

[JaxDK]

No, this is my first experience with a BPD and my last. None of my relationships have even an inkling of what I've dealt with good and bad. My own behavior and issues in relationships is a vicious cycle however, something I've only begin to scratch the surface of. Being a beta and having co-dependent/detached PD. Thanks to this relationship I know who I am. A blessing and a curse. It allowed me to be in the relationship for 2 1/2 while maintaining my sanity.

[Freeatlast_1]

Joe

It is a cycle, a roller coaster, it will get your head spinning for days. You might get anxiety or it would worsen if you already have it. Be prepared for the ride. It is a rough one. Mine was on/off for a year and a half and the attachment was insane and the sex was mind blowing so if you have any addictive tendencies you might want to look into that. Love addiction, sex addiction etc... .I have had to be conscious about whats going on. I don't think mutual disrespect is love, I know I don't love her. I am attached insanely to her, I am paranoid about her with other people, but love is about letting go, setting someone free, loving them regardless if they are with you or not... .just because. So think about what you're in, and why you met this woman.

[Joe77]

Thanks all for your responses,

The above line show my codependency . When I state vicious cycle I mean I have allowed people with BPD or other emotional manipulative disordered people into all of my adult life.  I am a direct care worker for a acute unit at psych hospital... go figure. I deal people with BPD,asd and bipolar and schizophrenia Ext; now I have met people in life prior to my work that share BPD traits and I'm convinced on some level they were uBPD. But my two worst expierence I have had have been with coworkers in direct care for the mentally ill. One while denying being in a relationship and living with someone else  would physically assulted me on several occasions because of extreme jealousy but when together the sex was unbelievable. But she shamed me to the ultimate and portrayed me as the abuser in our hospital. She transferred and I took years to rebuild my reputation. Now this new one 3 years later after I had rebuilt my self worth swept in and was a new employee. She came on immediately strong and swept me off my feet and both these girls on the outside stop you in your step beautiful. And all of of us know what borderline eyes do to us codependents. This girls was diagnosed with BPD,apd so I would say sociopath with borderline features. Ugh you want to talk about a roller coaster ride from extremes high and lows it's mind blowing. My gut not my codependeent mind always told me me to protect myself. We were engaged I pushed the wedding out it really made her mad.she went off the pill I took precautions, I protected my children as they are girls and behaviors rub off. She wanted on the deed to my house I blew it off. She controlled my by fear shame guilt. Fear that if I threw her out the ambulance would show up and police and my reputation at work would again be destroyed feeling bad for this poor girl. I needed to her to leave on her own. I detached not wanting to but knowing I had to protect myself and I as got healthy she got busy probably sleeping with all kinds of guys and participating in risky behavior and gas lighting me. So I got lucky she idealized a new friend they took a trip she met someone moved out quit her job and moved to another state. The calls and text stopped two weeks ago which I have been no catact since July 5th. Someone told me they seen her Facebook and she is already complaining about how she isnt happy where she is at and was saying how she misses Ohio. I'm sure it's a borderline tatic  she is using against her latest victim to control and gas light him. But either way she showed her true colors at work and people say they knew more then I exposed because I enabled her behavior and hid it from family friends and co workers. But I'm trying to get back to the swing of things it's has been since July 1st and I think it's really hard because everyone at work knowing my business and treating the same disorders but also what's good is  going on this self discovering journey that has haunted me my whole life. I know I'm better off but when your codependent it still hurts because we are lonely and kicking myself to allow someone like this in my home and around my children. But I am on a journey of recovery and I hope some can relate and take the same step to heal yoursves also.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Joe,

Thanks for sharing your story with us.  I can certainly relate to the relationship history and codependency.  Good news to hear that things ended for you in a preferable way and with little drama by the sounds of it.  I can imagine you felt a lot of apprehension after the last break up.  One thing I see as a positive in your situation is actually the fact that your co workers ARE familiar with these disorders, as it will allow them to better understand your situation and have empathy towards you.  Much better than to find yourself in an entirely different field where others are incapable of grasping what you've experienced. 

It's great to hear you mean to address your patterns now.  When you speak of healing, can you tell us what you've put in place to help yourself with this?  It's always good to share anything that is found successful and useful in your journey as others may benefit.  I know I'm always open to new ideas! 

Love and light x

[Joe77]

There are many ways none of them easy.
-setting boundaries when you tell them no more call no more texts to leave you alone stick to your word. Nc means nc. Hard to follow they will call with emergencys for there sake contact your family, blast you on Facebook but don't respond warn your family and friends not to respond and block her. And don't answer the phone or texts. If you want block the calls or let them come through  if you need proof of harassement. Hardest rule to follow but the best way. There is only hurt to come and the just want a response negative or positive to keep you on the hook. Stick to your word.
-detach meaning remove all photos Or stuff that reminds you of them. If you have feeling every time you see something remove it or store it away so it doesn't trigger your feelings. I'm mean everything. I threw shirts away pictures plants whatever. Remove leaks or tell your friends not to tell you what her Facebook says you don't need to know or hear it from others.
-read books to occupy your time on codependency. And also familiarize your self with personality disorders and red flags. Read people's relationships horror stories to know your doing the right thing.
-tell people you trust about you relationship or seek counseling it help especially for codependents.
-instead of love replace the word with addition or fantasy. Because we met the true person later in the relationship and people who love us don't hurt us or emotional abuse us. Be ok with saying I was emotionally abused and manipulated and that's not ok and how dare someone do that. Understand that your not the last victim and poor next guy is and thank yourself for being out of it.
-quit blaming yourself it's not your fault.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Joe,

That's a very thorough list of steps.  What if anything do you find helps you the most and did you do all/some of these following the first of the two most recent relationships?

But I'm trying to get back to the swing of things it's has been since July 1st and I think it's really hard because everyone at work knowing my business and treating the same disorders but also what's good is  going on this self discovering journey that has haunted me my whole life. I know I'm better off but when your codependent it still hurts because we are lonely and kicking myself to allow someone like this in my home and around my children. But I am on a journey of recovery and I hope some can relate and take the same step to heal yoursves also.

I can really relate to you on the two points I've highlighted here.  I felt like my last dysfunctional and seriously abusive r/s was the tipping point for me.  It's almost like allowing myself to become a newborn again and take time out from what I know, think and do automatically to instead begin to feel my way in this world and learn new ways of being.  Are you in therapy at present?

How many girls do you have and what are their ages?  I have a 3 year old son and the impact has been severe in that I'm now going through family court with his father (previous ex) as he's using the events at the end of my r/s as leverage to apply for a custodial order.  

You mentioned that you protected your daughters and I felt I did the same to the best of my ability.  It's still hard to not feel guilt about allowing potential negative influences into our kids' lives so I can understand how you're feeling on this.  What is important to remember is that sometimes what children learn is really valuable to them in later life in that they are going to be more aware and less likely to be taken by surprise that not everyone thinks and behaves alike.  Perhaps our children will be more switched on than we were if the moment arises that they must make similar choices to us.  In reality we can't shelter them from all external influence unless we lock them in and don't let them interact with others so there's only so much we can do.  They are going to meet disordered people at some point in their lives.  All we can do is guide them in positive ways and aim to instil strong self worth and personal boundaries within them.  Also, it's OK to say to our kids that we make mistakes and are not infallible.  They can learn from our errors as well as our positive example.  There is good in every situation.    

Love and light x

  

[Joe77]

Harley,

Thank you for all the positive feedback and questions as it seems we are both on this self discovering journey and seeing the world in a new light.

The best method that I have always found was out of sight out of mind. As the ones listed above I use all of them. I learned a long time ago when I went through these types of relationships once the big breakup happens that it was over and that I only caused my self pain by allowing the person to continue to hurt me and control my thoughts and feelings.

As a codependent we consume ourselves how others feel and it makes us re-live things over and over until we remove the triggers and let ourselves heal. So when I talk about detach I mean literally detach. I understand that I am still gonna think about the relationship but it will get less and less over time. Before all of things were out of my house I packed all of her stuff and started putting my house back in order. I knew I needed to release myself from my prison that I was living in. Codependency allows us to not break from that prison so we self sabotage as a natural defense. Ours bodies and spirit knows when we are in a toxic and dangerous relationship but the emotional and physical abusers make us feel we have to many commitments in the relationship so we feel obligated to keep trying while fix them. That's the most valuable lesson is to listen to your body and not your mind until your mind is healthy enough to make the right decision. We are wired to think a certain way from childhood so until we change that thinking we will repeat the same mistake over and over.

If the father of your three year old is the person that has BPD or another personality disorder that does have a impact on n/c. But I have read in a lot of articles that you can go as far as having a third party involved for the exchange. If you would like tell me more about the chaos he is causing, I will try and provide insight on what I know. Hang in there the truth will come out and he will show his true side for all or some to see. 

Thank you for all your kinds words and encouragement regarding my children. It sounds like you also have taken the correct steps in protecting your child and your right lessons in life are here to teach us things and make us stronger but they are also to teach our children. I have two daughters one in the high single digits and one in her very early teens. I was young when I had my first one.

Stay strong, you are on the right path.

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks Joe,

My son's father is from before the BPD r/s.  It's my belief that he's exacting a form of revenge for my moving on from him.  You are absolutely right in that he will show his true colours.  I just need to allow things to unfold. 

So in what ways do you feel (if any) that your girls may have been impacted by your r/s?  Was there much dysfunction that they witnessed?  Children are extremely resilient and more in tune with things than we necessarily give them credit for.  I'd say that especially when it comes to emotions kids are far more mindful naturally in their acceptance of these for what they are, and are inclined to observe behaviour as merely an expression of these.  It's funny how we grow up with all the external influences around us and then have to re learn how to get present with ourselves... .As long as we communicate well with our children at an age appropriate level about things that happen in their lives they stand a good chance of coming through a great deal unscathed.  It's the closeness of our r/s with them that gives them resilience to take things under their belts.  I'm confident that your daughters will know that you love them and put them first.

Love and light x

[Joe77]

Harley,

It's sounds like you have a good understanding on those who will and do show themselves given the time. Do you feel like you child's father also suffered from a personality disorder?  It doesn't have to be BPD it can be a range of cluster b diagnoses. Which include narsasist or antisocial. Has the last relationship with the person with BPD  effected the your current custody battle? Let me just say that mothers always have the upper hand in these cases and men often threaten or try and file such motions in court to scare or intimidate the mother. So hang in there courts and attorneys if involved with do there jobs and just have to go through the motions which is very unfourtanate.

My children were effected on some level my youngest never felt excepted by the person with BPD. Because she was jealous of my daughter and the relationship we had. People with BPD do not like any outside influences affecting there relationship therefore everyone is disposable and or a threat. My oldest was manipulated in to thinking she was a friend she used her to get information. My exBPD is also did not always discuss age appropriate things with her which really upset me.  People with BPD unfortunately don't do things out of kindness they do things with others with strings attached. But a lot of people think they are perfect in public opinion because there post and pictures are focused at making them look good. But overall my kids were unaffected because of my shield and notice of the behavior towards them. Do you feel your child was emotionally affected by the relationship? Because your right if so we can reverse that damage with love and exceptance and letting them know they are important and cared for and can be who they are.

Stay strong our self discovering journeys continue and will set us free.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Joe77,

I'm pleased to hear that you picked up on these things and responded accordingly.  When we are in the FOG it can be difficult to make good decisions consistently and detect what it going on.  This is to a degree what happened to me.  In short my exBPDbf was a handful to say the least (very low functioning, extreme on the scale in his behaviours) but only when my son wasn't around.  He knew there was a FIRM boundary there (the only one I held throughout because it wasn't about me, but someone who meant far more to me than myself) and one that would NEVER move.  Unfortunately the first time he became violent (a slap to the side of my head as he stormed out) my son was present.  My son had only ever seen my ex become overwhelmed emotionally in sadness, and had witnessed tears on occasion.  Even then, my ex would retire to another part of the house to compose himself, or leave the house to go and sort himself out.  He never returned until he was calm and able to go about his day in a reasonable way.  In contrast, when my son was at his father's I'd be dealing with severe self harm, suicide attempts, rages etc. 

So I'm afraid that I'm not in a strong position here.  My son's father is a narcissist and has manipulated his way through this process.  I'll post about this elsewhere though.  Can I relate to your regrets about allowing someone destructive into your children's lives?  Absolutely.  Hang in there.  It will all prove to be positive in the end.  As you said, this has kick started a willingness to address things that have been in the ether, which can only benefit your girls in the long term.  You will be a great role model in your openness to change and growth, which is fantastic for them to bear witness to.  This is also a great place to document the journey so that you can look back with pride at your progress, as well as having a cheering squad behind you!

Love and light x