Just Realizing

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello. This is my first post, so forgive me if I'm awkward.

I just realized, in the past few days, that my mother has several symptoms of BPD. This came up because she has, once again, changed her personality/belief system and attempted to hide it from me (to what end, I'm not sure). I became suspicious in February when she came to visit me (we live about 1500 miles away from each other) and she said some things that were contrary to what she taught me to believe in growing up, and I confirmed my suspicions of her personality shift by briefly reviewing her Facebook page. Attempts to contact her about this shift have been met with silence.

My husband, in trying to comfort me in my disillusionment and shock that she would not tell me about this, gave me information on BPD that he had been researching. To my dismay I could check off every box in a series of questions about my interactions with my mother. I had always known something was off, I just couldn't put a name to it.

On the one hand, I'm relieved to finally have a name to put to the actions. On the other I'm terrified that I might have similar issues because it can be somewhat hereditary (from some brief internet searches) but I'm not sure if it's actually BPD or just trauma from dealing with a parent with BPD. For example, I have huge trust issues, but that's mostly because I found out very early in life that my mother would lie to me and about me to others.

I'm hoping I can get some relief by talking to other people who have had similar experiences. It's very difficult to explain to my real-life friends how my childhood was so different from what theirs were like, that I always felt just an unlucky moment away from an eruption of rage I had done nothing to earn, that I was a relatively normal tempered child who's parent constantly treated her like a delinquent that would be lost to the juvenile detention system at any moment, that the rules would constantly change at the drop of a hat. I'm hoping I can find some healing here.

[WonderinDaughter]

Hello. This is my first post, so forgive me if I'm awkward.

I just realized, in the past few days, that my mother has several symptoms of BPD. This came up because she has, once again, changed her personality/belief system and attempted to hide it from me (to what end, I'm not sure). I became suspicious in February when she came to visit me (we live about 1500 miles away from each other) and she said some things that were contrary to what she taught me to believe in growing up, and I confirmed my suspicions of her personality shift by briefly reviewing her Facebook page. Attempts to contact her about this shift have been met with silence.

My husband, in trying to comfort me in my disillusionment and shock that she would not tell me about this, gave me information on BPD that he had been researching. To my dismay I could check off every box in a series of questions about my interactions with my mother. I had always known something was off, I just couldn't put a name to it.

On the one hand, I'm relieved to finally have a name to put to the actions. On the other I'm terrified that I might have similar issues because it can be somewhat hereditary (from some brief internet searches) but I'm not sure if it's actually BPD or just trauma from dealing with a parent with BPD. For example, I have huge trust issues, but that's mostly because I found out very early in life that my mother would lie to me and about me to others.

I'm hoping I can get some relief by talking to other people who have had similar experiences. It's very difficult to explain to my real-life friends how my childhood was so different from what theirs were like, that I always felt just an unlucky moment away from an eruption of rage I had done nothing to earn, that I was a relatively normal tempered child who's parent constantly treated her like a delinquent that would be lost to the juvenile detention system at any moment, that the rules would constantly change at the drop of a hat. I'm hoping I can find some healing here.

[Turkish]

What kinds of things did she say that were contrary?

always felt just an unlucky moment away from an eruption of rage I had done nothing to earn, that I was a relatively normal tempered child who's parent constantly treated her like a delinquent that would be lost to the juvenile detention system at any moment,

I have friends going back over 30 years.  They assure me of this,  yet at the time,  my mother told me otherwise,  "if only they knew the real Turkish!" So what was the real me,  how my mother viewed me,  or how my friends,  teachers, counselors,  neighbors,  or how the parents of my friends viewed me,  which was the opposite of how my mother viewed me at the time?

Most importantly, how did I view myself?

Parents are mirrors for their children,  most powerful mirrors,  given that children are still forming their identities  (senses of themselves). As children of BPD parents, most of us arrive here with skewed senses of ourselves, and identities which are wounded,  no matter how high functioning we are in life otherwise.  This doesn't necessarily mean that we are BPD ourselves,  even if we show traits.  I know I do,  but I'm not BPD (thus saith, my therapist).

The first step in healing is acknowledgment of the past, and I'll point you to the Survivor's Guide in the right margin----> where do you think you are at this point?