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[BrighterDays17]

We've been in a relationship for 15 years, married for 9 of those.  She's always had an intense personality:  has to be in control, irrational bursts of anger, etc.  These negatives that I thought were just her personality began wearing me down to the point I became emotionally numb to her.  It caused a lot of resentment for her in me.  I felt that shutting off my emotions to her was my only survival technique.  After a while, she realized I was no longer feeding her narcissism and need attention so she moved to someone else to get that.  Within the last 6 mths, I found out about two separate affairs, the latest still ongoing.  We have two daughters under 7.  For years I've tried to change myself, thinking if I did it would make things better for us but, in the end, it was always a no win situation for me.  Only within the last few months I've discovered BPD & NPD. The things I've read have been the answers to questions I've been asking myself and been unable to answer for many years.  Learning about this has been a tremendous weight lifted off my shoulders.  I'm currently reading Stop Walking on Eggshells.  I'm about 60 pages in and it seems that info on at least every other page is so relevant to my situation it's worth highlighting.  We are beginning to start the divorce process.  I'm worried we will be unable to sit down and discuss anything civilly because we never have before.  Any advice on the divorce process, particularly from the nonBP husband, BP wife viewpoint, would be much appreciated.   

[Lucky Jim]

Hey BrighterDays17, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, though I would add that your story is quite familiar.  Divorce is challenging under any circumstances, and more so with a pwBPD.  Be prepared for some rough sledding. You have plenty of company as many of us have been down this path before you.  Most BPD relationships are not built to last, sad to say, so cut yourself some slack!  Let us know if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim   

[Panda39]

Hi BrighterDays17,

I just wanted to join Lucky Jim and welcome you to the BPD Family    Lucky Jim is right divorcing someone BPD/NPD can be rough and high conflict.(Not always but many of us posting here have experienced this)

Have you gotten as far as hiring an attorney?  If you're thinking of leaving it would be a good thing to consult with a few attorneys, tell them your story, ask what strategy they would use to get you what you want, ask them if they have experience with high conflict cases, ask what are some things you can be doing now to help build your case, what does custody typically look like in your state and any other questions you have about the process?  Even if you don't file for divorce right now it is good to know what your rights are and some idea of what to expect.

When your done reading Stop Walking on Eggshells there is another book you might want to read... .

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy

Also here are some "Lessons" from this board that you might want to check out that might give you a picture and generate some questions... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239547.0

Please let us know what questions we can answer and how we can support you.

Take Care,
Panda39