My girlfriend has BPD and Fibromyalgia

[Santi83]

Hello I'm new here and I need to talk and take all this feeling out of me.

I'm 34 years old my girlfriends is 23 and she has BPD and Fibromyalgia.
 We met 6 month ago but we start dating 3 month ago so the first 2 months I can say the relationship was okay until 3 weeks ago. She started to get very irritated and depressive so I been like trying to help her, trying to be calm myself to help her but i don't think Im making a good job on that because I get irritated too of the situation.
First time dealing with a person with BPD so I'm trying to understand and looking the way to handle the situation the calm way but it doesn't matter what I do or what I say she explote and start putting all the problems on me (I'm the one how did this, I'm the one how make her feel like that, my fault my fault my fault)
i understand i cannot discuss a problem or anything with her like today in the morning she ask me what's bugging me (i woke up today very sad because yesterday was my birthday and she didnt say a word to me, not even a hug or a kiss or a happy birday, NOTHING! and she new was my birthday, I had all day yesterday getting txt messages phone calls, facebook happy wishes and she didn't say nothing to me) so I answer her... ."we don't talk too much this pass days" and she start attacking me with txt messages, "it's your fault i feel like this and your weird mood".
Yesterday I get very sad because she didn't say nothing to me and I get a call from my grand mother so normally when I talk to my grandma she start crying because she miss me (she lives in South America and I live on the US) so I start crying too with my grandma on the phone and finally we finish the conversation and my girlfriend ask me... ."what's going on' so I told her every time when I talk to my grandma the conversation gets very emotional and she was like... ." oh okey" and she continued texting on the phone.

That's the other think what bothers me a lot but I try to not get upset on that. She's on the phone texting 24/7 like the phone is attach to her hand, she can be cooking moving stuffs but with the phone on the hand, not even on the packet, always on the hand. We can be talking but she's with the eyes on the phone, like I say something and she answer me 5 minutes later.

I wanna confess something here, hope i don't get Judged but 2 weeks ago we had a decent day and I get her a new phone, the one she wanted. So she left the old one on the table for a week so last weekend I took her to get her nails done so I when back to the apartment and I saw the phone on the table (the old phone) so I took the bad idea to start reading her messages specially the one with the ex and I get knocked out for what I read... .she's not cheating on me but the firt time we got on laid she told me the veru next day she got a bladder infection because of last night so I felt like crap because of that so I told her okey let go to the doc and she was like no its okey and we went to the pharmacy to get medicines so I ask her how do u know its a bladder infection and she exploded on me saying all king of stuffs and because of me she now feel like crap of the bladder infection and blah blah blah. But I realize she slept with his ex 2 week before we start dating even worst she went to the doctor a couple days before I kiss her for the first time because she thought she was pregnant and the txt with her ex was like... .

Ex: are u pregnant?
She: no but u give me a bladder infection

Idk why she was Accusing me of that, I completely understand the situation, she was single so she was allow to do everything she wanted but why putting that on me and why she lied to me saying she didn't had relation with nobody in a long time (2 year)

The other message that killed me, she was talking with her friend and my girlfriend told her... ."im going to get drunk and hurt his feelings" and she ask her... ."why u two dont come to my house spend the night here and watch some movies but not doing thinks on the bed hahahaha" and she replys... ."don't worry we barely do, I feel sorry for him hahahah"

After reading all that and the way she acts with me, I'm wondering if she is just using me or what. She barely hug me or kiss me or anything, I'm the one who is hugging her kissing her, if I don't do nothing of that, we can look like just friends not even closes friends so idk what to think or do I'm so depressed right now, I lost a lot of wait on this 3 months I barely eat. Yesterday I didn't ate nothing in all day and today I just drinked  a bottle of water. All my family is worry about my weight and start asking me if everything its okey with my girlfriend but I'm like "yeah everything its ok".
I know if I say something they are going to start pushing me to leave her, look for somebody who really loves me and blah blah blah but I don't want that I want her I love her so that's why I don't say nothing to nobody because they are going to start pushing and pushing.

I don't know what to do I have this feeling inside of me who is killing me little by little.

Sorry for the long story but I need to get this out of me and I don't have nobody to talk about it without judging.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[JoeBPD81]

Hi there, Santi83

I've read some of your post and we have crossed paths before. I'm really sorry you are suffering this. She is suffering even more, and some of the things she does, seems to be aimed at hurting you on purpose. Even when she says so, it is some explanations for her own actions that she does judging herself. I'm not trying to make excuses for her, but sometimes it's like a child, they act mean and defiant, and cocky to mask their own shame. As long as you can see her regulated self, and know that she loves you, it is better to understand her "meanness" like that, that try to understand how can she hurt you on purpose when she's with you.

Sure you can understand, to say you are mean, and bad, and brag about it, it is easier than facing the shame, and feeling so insecure as to why you keep hurting the people you love.

Of course I understand YOUR insecurity, and your need to know what is happening and why, you're being treated badly, and your feelings can't help to be hurt. You had it tough. I know it hurts not to know, but being witness to her tantrums and her inacurate expresion, you've seen it, hurts. If you let her express her "meanness" in private, she feels better and maybe you get less hurt.

You wrote in a very stresful moment, are things better now? Is there a bright side to your relationship with this girl? You haven't said anything positive, and that worries me.

Even understanding BPD, a disorder is not a person, there are people with and without BPD that are selfish or altruistic, good and bad people, superficial and deep... .BPD makes people act and express themself against their true deep motivations, but we don't know what motivates any person. There are as many differences as with any other group of people.

If you are invested in this relationship, you need to take care of yourself, maybe double than in any other relationship, and you (and me both) have to learn to establish limits (also called boundaries). As in behavior that you won't tolerate, not as a ruler, but as in "if you do this, I'm gonna have to do that (leave for some time, turn off the phone... .)" and be consistent with those limits until she learns to respect them. The sooner you do that, the better.

I wish you the best of luck, her too. I hope you find your way.

[TPEL]

Hi !
After reading your post, it seems to me that your girl-friend simply is embarrassed about the infection her ex passed on to her when having sex not long before (maybe even after) your encounter. It seems also that attack is the best defense, so she blamed it on you.
This makes you ashamed so you won't question it too much (if you did, her risk is that you find out about her ex). And her reaction can be explained by the "finger in the pie" syndrome, more you get close to the truth (her ex and her), the more she screams : it's psychological warfare.
I think the result confirmed that you did well to investigate her cell phone so now you know. Don't feel bad about it. Give yourself a break.
I think you can be dubious about the BPD diagnose. Actually, lots of people just behave in this kind of manner to get away with it and have their ways. Also, I feel your girlfriend has rather NPD than BPD. She's obviously not compassionate and plays with your feelings.
So why do You think You love her ?
P.S. : talk about details with a female friend, she'll see more clearly in this kind of maneuver ... .

[Santi83]

Thanks for reply, feels good to talk to somebody about this.

Also, I feel your girlfriend has rather NPD than BPD. She's obviously not compassionate and plays with your feelings.

Holy damn, u maybe right on that, I didn't know what NPD was until now.
She is completely like that, she's always talking about her problems even with people she just met, like the other day she post on Facebook something about politics somebody comment on that so they start a discussion over facebook and after  like 3 comments she started talking about all her problems.
Last Thursday my parents invited us for lunch so I told her... ."hey my parent want to met u so they invited us for lunch on Saturday" her reaction was like... .ugggghhhhhhh and she started talking about her family like... ."my family never that's that my family here my family there and my BPD and blah blah blah"

After reading your post, it seems to me that your girl-friend simply is embarrassed about the infection her ex passed on to her when having sex not long before (maybe even after) your encounter. It seems also that attack is the best defense, so she blamed it on you. 

The conversation were way much more explicit and graphic than that. But I don't know if the ex want to have something else with her because Every time when she commented something about that, he was trying to change the conversation.

So why do You think You love her ?

I love her because how she is (when she is not on that mood) but she is the women I been looking my entire life.

She's a metal head cover in tattoos, piercings, like to do crazy stuffs (I'm like that too, metal head, tattoos, piercings, etc).

 In front of me she is the more honest person in life (I don't know if she is the same way on my back after reading those txt messages) she's a very attractive women.

On the other hand, maybe I'm not in real love with her, maybe I'm just trying to cover my fears been with her.

I'm a very lonely person, before a met her I spend 4 years alone, no relationship, no friend, no nothing. I have very bad luck with romantic relationships. All my friend live very far away. So far she is the only communication I have with other human being (my life before I met her was... .house/work, work/house)

I met her on a photo group on my city (she's a model I'm a photographer/videographer) first time I saw her I didn't put too much attention on her, I took like 3 photos of her on that photoshoot with the group, so she sent me a facebook message saying... .

"I like your edition on photoshop, if u took any pictures of me I will love to see a crazy edition on my photo"

 so I made a very crazy edition on the only photo I took decent of her and she loved it, after that we start talking a lot over facebook. That was my first time in a long time talking to a person about me about her about everything, not just about work or people I work with, NO! I was having a real conversation finally!

Every time when I thing of the possibility to be alone again, I start crying. I'm so afraid of been alone, I think on that and my body freezes.

Maybe I'm the one who needs help here.

[Santi83]

You wrote in a very stresful moment, are things better now? Is there a bright side to your relationship with this girl? You haven't said anything positive, and that worries me.

Thanks u very much for your time.

I don't think nothing changes so far. Yesterday at least we had a decent day.

Reading those txt messages the other day didn't help me at all. I guess is getting worst this situation.
On one of the messages she was very clear saying "I want this guy" (another ex from years back)

So yesterday she told me that guy was going to her house to pick up some stuff so after reading those messages I left a old phone  audio recording, so today listening to that audio, another friend show up and they were talking about guys try to make some moves on women's so she (my girlfriend) was telling her (my girlfriend friend)

"this guy was an ex years ago (the one how was going to pickup the stuffs) and last year he sent me a txt so after that we started drinking and get back together but not in a relationship because he has a girlfriend"

She (my girlfriend) finish saying... .

 "he is ONE of my F%$*friends"

Nothing happened with this guy yesterday but, when he was leaving my girlfriend apartment he said... .

"I will come over to hangout after works like 2am, are u wanna be awake?"

My girlfriend reply... .

"Yeah but maybe SANTI83 (that's me) is going to be here"

He was like... .ohhhhh okey

And my girlfriend said... .

"I txt u if he still here"

I leave around 2am to work every day, I start working at 4 but the drive from her apartment to my job is like 1 hour and 30 minutes. From my house is like 30 minutes only.

[JoeBPD81]

Wow, I'm sorry for all of that. Are you planning to confront her about it?
Is she committed to you as exclusive? Or does she think you have an open relationship?
If so, do you agree on that? I believe you are getting hurt a lot.

You said you were not sure about what you want from her. But maybe you are sure about what you don't want.

I once was in a remotely similar situation, and the woman told me "I wanted you to claim me". I wasn't willing, but maybe you are?

It's all very hard and confusing. I hope you find a way to be happy and safe. Best of luck.

[Santi83]

Wow, I'm sorry for all of that. Are you planning to confront her for about it?
Is she committed to you as a exclusive? Or does she think you have an open relationship?
If so, do you agree on that? I believe you are getting hurt a lot.

I don't think confronted her it's a good idea right now. After all this I still care about her, call me stupid but I really care about her.
And no, I'm not willing to be on a open relationship.
Yeah after listening and reading all that yeah I'm getting real hurt, that's why I don't know if I wanna keep dealing with this relationship but I willing to play a little longer this "game" I wanna find out the real truth.
So far I have a clear idea she doesn't respect me on my back. I mean, come on! If u "love" somebody and u get a text message from that person, what going to be your reaction in front of a friend? Ohhh is f$&#ing Santi83? . (I heard that on the audio recording when she was with her friend talking and I sent her a text message from my job)

You said you were not sure about what you want from her. But maybe you are sure about what you don't want.

Yeah I know what I want right now. Just respect, that's the only thing I want, respect. When we started dating I told her the only thing I ask on a relationship is respect.

I once was in a remotely similar situation, and the woman told me "I wanted you to claim me". I wasn't willing, but maybe you are?

Sorry I did not understand the part... ."I wanted you to claim me". My English is not the greatest.

[Santi83]

Why put my own health on the line with a person who doesn't appreciates nothing what I do for her.
I been reading a lot about BPD to try to understand and be Patient with her but this situation is over me I can't control it. I have feelings, if I keep going like this I will finish on a Psychiatric.

I just want to know if persons with BPD are like that all the time (24/7) doesn't appreciates nothing what u do?

Today I get overwhelmed just because I offer her to go to the salon and have her hair done and she was complaining... .

 "I can go now I need to make and appointment and blah blah blah"

So i told her... .

 "well call today and make one for this week. Where is this place located?"

And she made that face when she get mad and looking to the roof like saying... .Why u just don't shut up.

I been trying to be nice with her all week but nothing works.

Now she started a donation  campaign on Facebook (she is on Disability since last year for the Fibromyalgia) and 2 weeks ago she got a letter from the state, they are going to start charging her more money from her insurance so she told me that, and living on section 8 with 700 dollars a month make everything imposible so I told her... .

"Okey you told me time ago you will love to move with me"

I been looking for places but with her "probation" is so complicated to get approved for rent, it's imposible.

So I told her, I will move here with you, I will pay your rent and utilities and we can save money to move to a different state. She was like Okey yeah why not, so for now that was the plan but she start this campaign and telling friends about it and her ex txt her saying... .

"where is your boyfriend on all this situation, he doesn't help you or what? I will help you but don't tell your boyfriend"

And she answer... .

"no I will not tell him because he is going to start asking questions and I'm so depressed right now"

So, so far for her friends I don't exist or I don't give a f&# about her and don't help her, and that make me so mad.

You now, I been here for her Unconditionally, more that her own F&#ing  family or friends, I put protect on the side for her, I bought her a really expensive couch for her back problems, I been spending money like crazy on food for her (restaurants, fast food, delivery food, etc) I been taking her to her appointment, I been like her personal driver for everything. I was planing to move with her and I never ask her for money for anything like rent or stuff like that. She doesn't appreciates nothing of that and now she stated asking for money online.

The other problem she has is spending money like crazy on retail stores, LIKE CRAZY! the other day she went with a friend to Sears and I guess Sears is closing down so everything was on sale and she bought all the man winter clothes (a huge back full of stuffs) and I was like... .Why?

She bought so much clothes she never use nothing of that, her room is full of bags from the retail stores full of clothes.

But everybody online doesn't know all that and everybody think I don't worry about her. 

For her birthday i knew non of her family was coming or friends so I made her a little celebrating on her house just her and I. I bought her a cake, presents, I put Balloons, roses everywhere, sing the happy birthday song for her, and to be honest I do not think she really cared about it.

When I cook for her sometimes like a breakfast I put the eggs with a heart shape on the plate with strawberries around, trying to make nice stuffs for her. I can tell when she cares because she is the one who take pictures of everything and posted online, so far she never done that with any of the stuffs I made for her, but her best friend sometimes bring her a cookie for example and she right away take photo and posted online. I'm not saying I want her to do that with me but that's one way to see when she cares about something.

Sorry for the long stories but I need to talk to somebody I feel so bad right now.

[JoeBPD81]

Hey,

things sound worse and worse. I really hope you put your health 1st.

My gf when we started seeing each other, once made lunch for me. And after some seconds she asked me: Why don't you start eating? And I said: I'm waiting for you to sit with me. And then she started crying because that felt to her as a great act of kindness.

Sometimes I fell like she doesn't appreciate all I do for her, but in most things she is really grateful. So no, not all pwBPD are the same. In most stories here people talk about a honeymoon phase where pwBPD are the kindest most emphatic people they had known. Also they treat you like you were the greatest person on Earth, the most atracttive, most inteligent, kind, romantic... .They fall in love pretty hard.  Then things change and we stick around wondering where that person went.

But even now, everytime I touch her hair a bit, or I try to take some tenssion from her back or hip... .She says "that's so  nice, thank you"If I buy her some fruit I know she likes, she smiles and thanks me and she tells me how awsome I am.

So you are right to expect more from a relationship. This thing, keeping you as a dirty secret from all her friends and online life, that's not cool.

Many people have experiences like yours, and then they go online and pour a lot of hate and warnings against all people with BPD, and that is not fair.

You should move with her only when the two of you are on the same page, on the same level of commitment. The more you sacrifice for her without appreciation, the more resentment you are going to pile up.

You have me worried... .

[Santi83]

JoeBPD81, I really appreciate your time and your help, thanks you very much.

So far everything is getting worse, yesterday (Sunday) I lose my temper and I left her house.

The whole weekend was terrible, except for Friday (Friday was a "decent" day) but Saturday and Sunday a complete mess. Saturday she didn't say a word to me, I ask her questions or trying to make conversation and her answers were... .NO, yes, no, yes. But on the phone she didn't look like talking with the friends like that. Almost all day on the phone texting.

Sunday, we woke up and start talking a little bit útil I ask her something but I didn't hear what she said, so I ask her again and she answer me... .

"do I need to repeat everything 5 times or what?

So I told her... .

"what's wrong with that, are u going to spend to much saliva?

 And she got very mad and back again on that mood of not saying nothing. So I spend like 1 hour trying to talk to her but she didn't said a word so I ask her... .

"do you wanna be alone?

And she reply... .

"yes"

so I lost my temper, grabed all my stuff and I left. I didn't talk to her since that minute. I'm not dealing with this any more, I will give her an ultimatum.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there,

I don't know if I'm helping much, we are not supposed to say "run for your life!" to people. But the troubles you're having are beyond the ones related to BPD. She seems to be way less invested in the relationship and you are burning your candle from both ends. She is very young and commitment doesn't seem to be in her agenda.

I think you are looking for companionship, understanding and affection, and she's not willing to provide that. BPD makes it more difficult, but 1st you have to want it, and she wants other things.

I hear people, and myself settling for the "trying". I mean "she's not controlling her anger, but she wants to and she tries: We talk about it, she apoligizes, she goes to therapy sesions... ." We can forgive that she fails, but we can't condone that she doesn't try. You know?

You confesed your fear of being alone again, that's very brave of you. There is a board here for people getting over difficult relationships, you're gonna find a lot of people to talk to there, you are not going to be alone. You need to heal now, and believe you deserve someone who wants the same things that you want.

She'll have her own path. Maybe with age, and some maturity she'll change, even as her life won't be easy. But you can't rescue her and fix her. Now she's not letting anyone help her. I know it is very hard to leave someone when you think they need you.

I know you help her, but the sutiation is not sustainable. You already recording her and reading her texts... .That's a lot of stress and pain, and you're supposed to be enjoying the magical begining of a relationship. Don't keep piling up resentment, and suspicion and rejection. Now you have learnt about yourself what you want in a relationship, look for that. Dr. Phil says look for the person that is 80% what you want, the other 20% is negociable, but don't waste your time with someone that is 30%, because it most certaintly won't end well.

Good luck, and take care.

[TPEL]

Hi there,
I've been on vacation so I didn't follow this for some time.
What I read in the update of Your topic makes me agree with JoeBPD81 : TAKE CARE !
I think you stay because she's good looking and (maybe) hot, but there's nothing in there good for You.
Most of all, I think You hold on to an image of what this girl seemed to be in the best moments of the beginning and you don't want to be alone again.
But ask yourself if your life is better now than it was without her.
I wonder why she stays with You (financial issues ?)
If You give up Your flat to move in, Your way back only will be more difficult and I'm not sure wether spending more time with her will make things better.
She's giving You the silent treatment, that's abusive behaviour in any relationship.
Finally, I continue to think that the more You stay, the more You attach Yourself to this girl and the more difficult it will be to get out of there, especially if You move in with her. And things are best in the beginning, so it already is the end of that best, don't stay hoping it will get better, it won't.
So, why not cut it off before it gets too difficult to do so. I mean, You already have proof that she's just waiting for You to turn around to cheat on You as soon as she can.
I know it's difficult, but if You stay, You will pay a very high price : Your health. And don't forget : if You want someone to come into Your life, You first have to make a space for that person, that is being single and free in Your mind about other women of the past.

So my advice : GET OUT OF THER BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE FOR YOU !

Take care and good luck, You're not the only one whom this happens to, and You're not alone anymore now !