Time Sensitive: Vacation blues...

[walkinthepark247]

I am so incredibly worn down. My wife and I have two young kids. She has no diagnosis, but I have been reading so much and talking to others. My story mirrors most of what I read in the Walking on Eggshells book.

Over the summer, my father had a heart attack and almost died. He had a triple bypass. My mother arranged a beach house for us to go to after Labor Day to spend time together. I have been looking forward to it for weeks now. So have my kids. We should be leaving on Saturday.

The problem is that my wife is playing this game of “I’m only going for the kids”. The problem is that I sincerely would prefer if she just stayed home if her intent is to make everyone suffer. She gets extremely dark around vacation times. She’ll go entire days without saying a word to me. It’s so incredibly uncomfortable.

I have started to confront her and say “maybe we should work out a compromise where you stay home”. I legitimately mean that. Maybe now isn’t the time for her to join this vacation. The problem is that it makes her even more resolute that she’s going, dangit (much, much toned toned from actual comments).

I just really want to have this opportunity to relax with my parents and my kids. Of course, she sees this as me trying to “steal the kids”. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I just don’t want her to be there and miserable. We are in a standoff now. I tried to legitimately talk to her about this. The response is almost always “You’re trying to force me out and take my kids away from me.” No! You’ve told me numerous times that you have no intention or desire to go. So, why are we even having this conversation when I’m trying to give you a legitimate “stay home” card.

Did anyone deal with something similar? Any pointers? I’m at my whits end. I’m at the point where I’m recognizing that I deserve to enjoy my family.

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[pearlsw]

I have no answers, but I am dying to read the replies!

The last few vacations or short trips my husband pulled out the threats, but just as quickly took them back. He likes to threaten, ":)on't come!" but then realizes he can't stand to be away from me so "Come!" I don't like this kind of b.s... I don't like these kind of extremes and I am done with this game too.

I told him this last time (last week) that this was the last time I was gonna hear one of these kinds of vacation/trip threats. It is okay to be stressed before a trip, but we've gotta be a team about it. I am trying to work now on recognizing what I can do to make things easier for both of us, sometimes you have to give more than 50% and I can do that if I can get a handle on what the heck is really going on.

It seems like this last time before a trip we both were forgetting stuff, too tired to pack properly the night before instead of at the last minute.  He had a lot of details to keep straight that I wasn't entirely in on, etc. etc. I assumed (big mistake and a big miscommunication on my part) he'd wake me up when his alarm went off the morning of our flight, but he slept through it, and then boom, not enough time! Uh-oh! Basically, we both contributed to the problem. But threats are a step too far for me. I am sick and tired of threats. And I am going to set a boundary on these trip threats, but I also have to do my part to avoid things getting so out of hand. I have to be prepared, rely on my own alarm, and help him with stuff that he tends to mess up with (bringing the whole giant shampoo that they won't let you take to the airport, again, for example.) I am going to make this easier and fun if I can god help me. I even apologized to him later for my role in things just to show I care and want this to improve and take my part of it.

So, hmmm. I think you have a real dilemma here! It is like reverse psychology. If you tell her not to come she is going to want to come, I think we can see that. But what if... .

Well, honestly... .And correct me if I'm wrong but... .who cares why she goes if she goes. Her "I'm only going for the kids card" to me is a big so what. Is she saying that to hurt you and show you you are less to her than the kids? Does she really mean that or is she "just" trying to hurt you and make you feel bad? What is the real issue here?

Can you tell her that is hurtful and not necessary to say if that is the case? I'm no BPD whisperer and I don't have all the rules of engagement down. I am a non who knows how to relate to nons, but still... .I am in this boat with you and I think a lot of us want to find a better path through this so I am just thinking out loud... .

Can you get on the same side of this? Can you sell it to her as a chance to relax and have down time together or apart and that that is actually very loving either way? Can you get her to say what genuinely would make her and you happy out of this trip?

Is she not fun to be around on vacation because you can't relax? Do you really not care if she goes or not? And her notion of you "stealing the kids" is also a big so what. You know you aren't trying to "steal the kids" so those are more empty words from her. Peel it all back. What is the issue?

Let's be honest here. You want to enjoy your family and so does she deep down, right? How can that be made possible? Does she really want to make all of you suffer or is this simply also a stressful time for her for various reasons and she can't handle stress well? Does being in another setting or around your family make her dysregulate? How can you help reduce the stress for her so you might have a chance for her to make less problems for others?

I don't think my husband wants to make these threats. I think he makes them because in his mind he has run out of options when the stress gets too high. He doesn't realize there are a lot of compromises before you burn the place down! If I give him other options he would take them I think. He can really only do one thing at at time. He has zero ability to multi-task. I think I rely on him too much to be my super hero when we travel and like he is supposed to know everything and avoid every possible mistake. That's wrong and unfair to him. No human should be under that kind of pressure. I need to take more responsibility off his shoulders whenever I can, and allow him to make mistakes without beating him up over it, this teaches him to do the same for me. But all BPDs are not the same, and I think this varies greatly by gender in a way people don't talk about enough. Anyway... .

I would add that if she does come along do all you can to slow yourself and your reactions down. I haven't done regular meditation practice in years, but it is still paying dividends. I can slow down and see stuff that helps me head off bigger disasters sometimes. I need to get back into it. I find that if I in any way add to the heightened emotions, or get angry myself once this stuff piles up way too high, it just gets worse. So go slow, keep clear that you will enjoy the time with your parents, and then allow yourself to enjoy it even if other stuff is happening. You nearly lost your dad so enjoy him now while you have him. Especially since your dad has heart issues he does not need extra stress!

Good luck and thanks for this post! I hope someone has some good ideas for us!  

[walkinthepark247]

I think it would be helpful if I elaborate. Not only are the statements "only going for the kids", it is coupled with "I have no intention of spending any free time with you or your parents" and "you are forcing me into this". In addition, it is perceived that there is some collusion or trap by asking her to go. We want her to go because we ALL consider her part of the family.

I am so saddened because I was legitimately looking forward to spending time with her alone. Then, things went downhill quickly (again).

Of course, I would love to have a happy vacation with my wife. When she gets like this, it brings everyone down around her. She wears her emotions on her sleeve and makes sure everyone else around her suffers as much as she is suffering.

I even tried to send her suggestions of restaurants that we could visit alone at night. More criticism.

[isilme]

Spending time with family, away from the home environment is stressful for pwBPD.  More so than for a non.  The mask they feel they have to wear has to be "up" in front of the in laws, they can't openly rage and rant or be like they can at home.  They have to maintain whatever public persona is "normal" for them and for visits, which is exhausting, I am sure.  If they feel they can let the mask slip, it just means your family has become another appendage to the BPD psyche. 

H gets cabin fever, but is overall more stable at home than anywhere else.  Planning trips for fun is, well, NOT fun.  It is hard to see if he is even enjoying himself on trips of any kind because it is a constant barrage of complaints and irritability.  And he has improved in recent years.   

Recently, we had to choose whether to evacuate from just south of Corpus Christi, or stay.  I felt staying with a hurricane going north of us made more sense in his state of mind than attempting to both secure the house AND travel.  I will work to be better prepared in the future and then be able to do both if needed, we dodged a bullet this time.
 
You are not going to get a "good" answer out of her.  She does not want to go, does not want the kids to go, but does not want to be left behind.  Make plans that can accommodate her coming with you or not.  "We'd love to have you but only if you want to come. Going  anyway, kids want to see grandma, be back in a few days if you choose to stay." is really the best you can do.  YOU and the kids are going.  Done.  Her pouting and moaning about it is not going to change that, boundary is set.  She is welcome to stay of come with you - but it is on HER to make that choice. 

I feel we want to make them understand how they sound, how maddening the shifting sand of their emotions can feel to us, but they can't.  They simply can't get out of their heads.  And to make it worse, they often project that onto us, so they can avoid shame at their own feelings and reactions.  Or wallow in shame to evoke other reactions. 

You have to pick and choose what you NEED to respond to and what is really just word vomit of her out of control emotions.  You can'd fix her emotions with a well reasoned argument.  You can't MAKE her understand.  You can try things like SET, but sometimes you just need to be willing to be like, "I am going to live life.  You are welcome to join me, or not.  But you are the one making that choice, not me."

[walkinthepark247]

"I am going to live life.  You are welcome to join me, or not.  But you are the one making that choice, not me."

This is quickly becoming my mantra the more I read about BPD. I WANT and NEED to get out and enjoy life. Life is for the living! 

[isilme]

I don't know if what kinda works for me will help anyone else, but I see it as me climbing a ladder.  H hates the ladder.  He wants off the ladder.  He disparages the ladder.  But if I keep climbing, usually he ends up a few rungs higher, too.  It may be kicking and screaming, or pouting and sulking the whole way, but eventually, he climbs up after me.  It's almost as if there is a tether between us, so if I am truly intent on trying to do things, he gets dragged along eventually. 

It just gets exhausting having to always be the trail blazer, making the paths for him to follow. 

[pearlsw]

Thanks again for this helpful post! Thanks to Isilme for spelling this out so clearly. I like this. You just communicate clearly that you do want the person to come, but you put the choice/responsibility on them. This can be done with compassion and love and not be a threat back at her, just a clear boundary. (I'm working on this too.)

Since abandonment issues are at the core of this stuff she probably does want to go, but it is a lot for her. She feels emotional pain and is trying to make you feel it too. Listen past her "garbage statements" and make it clear that she is loved and welcome, but if she is not able to go that is also okay, but life will go on. Don't go round and round about it and get caught up into a drama.

I notice there is information on the right about "reinforcement of good behavior" so maybe that will be good to study just incase she does respond to this boundary you want to set. I so hope this works out for you one way or another!