Eldercare and sibling conflict... how to help while protecting myself?

[mythopoeic]

I have learned so much from this board over the years, and I've been able to apply it in my day-to-day life pretty well, but now I'm in a situation that's got me stumped again... .

I've got two uBPD family members: my mom, and my brother. I've been low contact with mom for about 5 years, and have actually been able to turn the relationship around to something that's sometimes almost pleasant - as long as I'm very, very clear in my own head about where the boundaries are and make any contact is on my terms. I've been no contact with my brother for longer - nearly 7 years now - and that's been the smartest decision I've ever made in my life. He honestly scares me, and while sometimes I miss him dearly, I don't see there ever being a time when having some sort of relationship with him is worth the cost to my own well-being.

The difficulty: uBPD mom is starting to have real issues with her memory and her ability to care for herself. She's been leaning heavily on my other siblings, but hasn't actually given them the legal access they need to effectively help her - and they keep expecting her to behave like they would, and they keep getting frustrated when she doesn't (the BPD stuff has exacerbated by the new memory issues, so it's been sort of a double whammy recently). I'm currently the golden child, mostly due to my distance, and when talking to her recently she's admitted she needs more help. She's apparently willing to give me power of attorney and access to her accounts, etc, and this is a thing I'm mostly willing to do to help. I still feel the loss of what my family relationships could have been, so this could possibly not just benefit her and my overloaded siblings, but could be fulfilling for me, too.

The risks here are pretty significant. This would be a major change in the boundaries between me and mom, and I don't know that I can really stay low contact and take on the PoA role. I'm also really concerned that taking on the PoA will make it difficult to maintain no-contact with my uBPD brother - in fact, some of my other siblings have opined that one of the *advantages* of my taking on PoA is that he and I "will have to work together"... .Under normal conditions, I don't think that's true (the PoA is only responsible to the principal, and not the principal's beneficiaries), but mom is apparently considering moving in with uBPD brother, so it might be? On the other hand, it's possible I could keep things strictly hands-off professional: if I need to pay her rent, I can use a bill-paying service; if I need to contact him because he's her landlord, I can... .send it through a lawyer, I guess? I don't think I'd be able to visit her in his home - that thought actually has me physically shaking - but I do have other siblings who I trust who could potentially visit and report back.

So - if I decide to take on this role, how do I do it while protecting my own well-being? Can it even be done? I feel a little sick to my stomach even considering it, but I think if I have a plan for handling the inevitable issues this may be something I can do.

[Turkish]

Of she trusts her son enough to move in with him,  why not let him take over PoA?

I think I see the answer from your point of view,  but have you floated it by her or them?

[mythopoeic]

That's a good point. From my perspective, that's a ridiculous move - putting herself that much in his power is not going to end well - but if she's ok with the one she should be ok with the other.

I just heard from the sibling she had been living with that she packed up her stuff and moved in with uBPD brother while the other sibling was out one evening, so that sort of settles that. She doesn't have her own phone line there, and I don't think I can reasonably take on the PoA when if I have to call or visit my no-contact brother to speak with her. This is a bad situation for her, and she may well be hoping we'll come rescue her in a few weeks, but she's put herself in a situation I can't really help her with.

I'm gonna go grab a coffee and focus on my own life and what I can fix. This one's well beyond me.

[Panda39]

... .I don't think I'd be able to visit her in his home - that thought actually has me physically shaking... .I feel a little sick to my stomach even considering it... .

I think you know what you should do, listen to your gut. 

Panda39

[Fie]

Hello 

Agreeing with Panda 100 % !

xx