I deflected a recycle - feels both good and bad

[CloseToFreedom]

I guess after seven years of this crap I'm learning. And lessons are though, I suppose.

I've been with my undiagnosed exBPD gf for five years and 2,5 years ago we split up. Went through a depression, some soul searching, therapy, meds, you name it. It took me a year but I came out as a better person, less co-dependant, good social life, lots of friends. I even changed my work situation last year to be more happier (started my own company which is going great).

Of course, the push pull dynamic dies hard with a BPD. Straight after our relationship ended she had a replacement, and she started living together with him after a year. Then the messages started, she missed me so much, blablabla. I kept it at bay until the beginning of this year, when she dumped the replacement and she told me she had changed, she realised what a complete b!tch she was during our relationship, how much she missed me and we belonged together. I fell for the recycle, and it took a small month until she was sick of me again and it was over. Thankfully, I've grown in the past couple of years so while it hurt, I kept on living my life, working on my company, having fun social-wise. I got over it.

This week she started messaging again. Four months of silence and then it started. She wanted to know how Ive been and what not. Told me about her personal life, about a vacation she had planned, and more stuff. I realised: I just can't do this anymore. I can't go for another merry-go-round. So what, we would meet and we would have a good few weeks and then it would be all over AGAIN?

I told her not to contact me again, never. Just stop. I don't want to know about your plans, about your life, about anything. Ive given you one last chance earlier this year, and it ended terrible.

Her reaction? Putting the blame of the blow up earlier this year on me of course, then calling me names and saying how childish I was for setting boundaries. They truly have no self reflection. If its not her way, she thinks Im worth NOTHING. "Ill just block you" is the last thing she send me. GOOD. Thats the point. To not contact me again. It halters my progress.

So I just wanted to tell this story because I feel pretty good about deflecting this recycle. I think it is the first time Ive managed to do it after tons of times (during the relationship we had many breakups and recycles). It feels like I have a spine all of a sudden. And she hates it, of course. I partly managed to deflect the recycle because what happened earlier this year was still fresh in my mind, and it baffles me that someone can say to you that you are the world to them, and then be silent for four months straight. Someone who cares for you doesn't do that.

It also feels bad, in a way. It instantly makes me feel sorry for her - which is ridiculous as I dont think she would ever have the empathy to feel sorry for me. I instantly want to apologyse and try to work it out, but Im holding myself back. I won't do it. Even though thoughts like "will I ever find someone that I care as much about as her ever again". I have to keep her away. Because she only brings hurt, she only sets me back again. I can't do it anymore.

It feels like a victory and a defeat at the same time.

[Insom]

Just a quick one to say congratulations on reaching this milestone.  It sounds like you've learned something since the last go-round?

[CloseToFreedom]

Just a quick one to say congratulations on reaching this milestone.  It sounds like you've learned something since the last go-round?

Thanks. Yes, while I already learned that there's something troubling about her or at least the dynamic between us, the last go-round I learned that it is foolish to hope for a different outcome the 11th or 12th time. There is no different outcome, its just a pipe dream.

[blueblue12]

Hi Closetofreedom,
I feel for you and understand fully where you are at. I am a similar scenario and like you it's so hard to believe, again and again. It doesn't really work does it? You can't keep going around in circles while they change their minds. My ex also tried desperately to get me back, to start a fresh, but I kept questioning the validity of it all. How long was this going to last? Like you I am also the "love of her life" yet she disappears for months and I am not chasing anymore. So she just reappears every now and then and tries to engage me in something... .problem is just like you I have been through a recycle and really don't need anymore recycles. It is a painful restart then you know well it is doomed.

[purekalm]

Hello CloseToFreedom,

So I just wanted to tell this story because I feel pretty good about deflecting this recycle... .It feels like I have a spine all of a sudden. And she hates it, of course.

Thank you for sharing your story. First, I'd like to say I think it's great that you are doing so well and managed to get so much work done on yourself in a year. 

I know what you mean there. I was never a weak person but over time felt like I lost my spine and when I regained it, he of course, absolutely hated that and shoved his own blame on me. 

It also feels bad, in a way. It instantly makes me feel sorry for her - which is ridiculous as I dont think she would ever have the empathy to feel sorry for me... .It feels like a victory and a defeat at the same time.

I have felt the same about my stbxh. At some point I started to just feel sad for him because where I'm growing and regaining myself, he's practically the same but with a new person. He has also tried to recycle me whenever he's in between girlfriends and at first I wanted to because I always wanted to give him that chance. I was lucky he lives over fourteen hours away.  I can say confidently now that if he ever tries again I wouldn't be interested in the slightest.

I'm glad you're being strong and not giving in, that's a huge step! I believe, because you are getting better and a more healthy person after going through so much that you will definitely be able to find someone you love just as much or more than her because hopefully, you will both be at healthy mental levels. No more the roller coaster of emotions and crazy thoughts and trying to figure everything out and stay sane at the same time. 

... .I learned that it is foolish to hope for a different outcome the 11th or 12th time.

This reminds me of the saying, "The definition of insanity is to continue doing the same thing expecting a different result." But, because we know we can and are changing we hope upon hope they will too and unfortunately that is very rare for them. With that in mind is what I believe keeps most of us banging our heads on a brick wall. Getting ourselves damaged and no further in life. It is a harsh reality to accept, but it is a necessary one to move past the pain and recycles.

You're doing an awesome job in the face of what you've been through. As someone here told me, Keep on truckin. 

Purekalm

[LastSamurai]

Straight after our relationship ended she had a replacement, and she started living together with him after a year.

"Ill just block you" is the last thing she send me.

This whole "replacement" nonsense that they do is for the birds. It's sickening. As for her last comment, that sounds extremely immature. It sounds like something a Teenie-bopper would say on social networking. That's just her trying to get the last swing in after the bell. How would she block you if you already told her to take a hike? Your post has inspired me even more to NEVER get married... .again. Thanks for sharing CloseToFreedom.