BPD Boyfriend who keeps on stonewalling me

[Misty-90]

Hello everyone, I've discovered this website recently and it has helped me a lot. But there are things I still don't understand abt BPD. I've been in this relationship since February 2017 and everything was just perfect till june when I decided to go visit my family for a month and he seemed perfectly ok with it but then started to ghost me. Not answering my calls, texts etc. and when I went back home this behavior continued, I could see on social media that he was flirting with other girls, he was talking to ANYONE but me. And when I brought this up he got mad and ignored me for 4 days. "I'm afraid that you might leave me" he said. But he kept getting more distant everyday. He also is a compulsive liar. I left him after I found out that he's told another girl that he's single and there's no one else in his life.
Now I really love this person, he asked for a reconciliation last week and I couldn't resist it (he's rly charming) He was normal for the first two days and now he's ghosting me again. He also has suicidal behaviors, he cuts himself whenever he's mad.
I don't know what to do, I know I shouldn't take his behavior personal but it really hurts to see him talking to everyone but me.
We also have two cats that stay a week at my place and a week at his.
Should I just leave? Is there anyway to make this better or make him stop ignoring me? Can I set boundaries with him?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Tattered Heart]

Hi Misty

I'm sorry that your relationship has been on and off lately. It can be tough not knowing where things stand.

Push/Pull behavior is pretty common in someone with BPD. When they feel like things are getting too close or when they feel rejected they may pull away. When he told you, "I'm afraid you might leave me" what was your response?

Has he asked for space or does he just disappear without any information?

The best thing to do when he pulls away is to first give him a little space while he tries to figure out what is going on with himself. I frequently see that every few days or so just checking in to say, "Hey. I'm thinking about you. Just want you to know I'm here for you." can be helpful, but don't go chasing him. That may cause him to feel overwhelmed and puts you in a place of being needy and desperate, which will further push him away.

Until then, what are you doing for yourself? WE have a lot of great workshops on the right side of hte page that you can begin reading through so that when you are in contact again, you'll have some new communication skills to help improve things.

[Misty-90]

Hi Misty

I'm sorry that your relationship has been on and off lately. It can be tough not knowing where things stand.

Push/Pull behavior is pretty common in someone with BPD. When they feel like things are getting too close or when they feel rejected they may pull away. When he told you, "I'm afraid you might leave me" what was your response?

Has he asked for space or does he just disappear without any information?

The best thing to do when he pulls away is to first give him a little space while he tries to figure out what is going on with himself. I frequently see that every few days or so just checking in to say, "Hey. I'm thinking about you. Just want you to know I'm here for you." can be helpful, but don't go chasing him. That may cause him to feel overwhelmed and puts you in a place of being needy and desperate, which will further push him away.

Until then, what are you doing for yourself? WE have a lot of great workshops on the right side of hte page that you can begin reading through so that when you are in contact again, you'll have some new communication skills to help improve things.

Hi tattered Heart,
Thank you for your reply, it made me feel a lot better to see that someone out there actually understands.
When he talked about his fears of abandonment, I told him that I have no intentions of leaving him, "I can understand it with my logic but can't change the way I feel about this" he responded.

He never disrespects me or even start an argument, he just disappears.
Last week he was like: "what is wrong with me? Why I keep on running away from you?" But this week, I am getting the silent treatment again. He never says anything, Never asks for space, he just disappears into thin air, I usually stop contacting him for a few days and when I start texting him again, he's like: "I'm so sorry for what I am, you're always kind to me but I hurt you in return, I'm a monster,"

I've been reading the lessons here and they've taught me ALOT, Now I know that I'm codependent and I'm working on it.

I don't know whether to end this relationship or stay in it, I wanna talk to him, to set boundaries, to be more assertive but he's never there, won't answer the calls and won't reply to the text messages, he's just getting worse, the stonewalling used to happen a few times a month now he's doing it for 5 days a week, refuses to meet me and won't give the cats back.

I wish we had a fight so I could talk to him but all I get is the silent treatment FOR NO REASON, I've pushed him once or twice due to extreme desperation but not anymore, I'm being more patient and understanding now. I'm even scared of telling him how much I love him, cuz I know he's scared of intimacy.
I'm really strong but sometimes I get so frustrated I wanna cut him in half.