Coming to terms with her identity disturbance or lack of identity.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm having trouble maintaining the notion that the identity that she displayed and that I re-enforced with my projections, wasn't real. It's been quite some time since I've seen her or heard anything about her but I miss the person suit she was wearing when I met her. I understand cognitively that she wasn't that person but it is hard to really emotionally let it resonate that she wasn't that person. My heart still aches and though the pain has diminished and dulled, it is still there lingering. Every once in a while she comes back up psychologically to haunt me. I have dated others but I don't feel much for them passed a fond affection and appreciation for who they are in their kindness and their humor. I can't yet allow myself to leave that small part of her behind for some reason and it renders me incapable of truly pursuing a healthy connection with another woman. I've read several books and speak to my T sometimes twice a week. I've made real progress with most of my dealings with regards to my ex. This is one of them that remains elusive... .

Some information:

I won't go into her dysfunction too much because it was blatant and fully realized and similar to nearly every story on this board so i'll try to stay on topic instead. Trust me, I was wearing my cape the whole relationship and she nearly never had dry eyes and I'm sure a clear conscience... . 

So it has been just over a year and a month since I made the choice to leave her and 8 months no contact. I implemented no contact  the second I broke it off with her. I went full block and delete from social media 2 weeks later when she broke boundaries and started liking my posts. On my birthday(6 months or so later) she dropped a card in my mail box that wasn't signed. Then I saw her driving in my neighborhood and we talked(same day, my birthday). She tried to have sex and I denied her advance but I spent 4 hours with her where she wasn't vague about the men she was stringing along and how much she fancied her power over them. this was an illuminating experience as I hadn't seen this side of her before. After some time she dropped me off at work and I told her I couldn't get back with her but that I could potentially see her show(actress). She cried and told me she didn't care if I saw other people but that it cut deep that I told her that eventually we would both fall in love with others and move on with our lives. I think it disrupted her narrative that we'd come back together and marry later... .After this I ended up thinking better of seeing her again and didn't respond to her text of where and when it would be. I wrote her a letter a week later explaining that I loved her but that we were unhealthy together and to not contact me again for several years at least. We share several friends and wanted to be tactful.  That was the last she heard from me and I haven't heard from her directly since. I heard through one of her exes that is still peripheral to her life that she had a meltdown when I didn't respond or end up going to her show(she thought I would regardless of my letter stating I wouldn't) and started painting me black so I stayed away. Lost some but not all friends over it. After reading on here for the past year, I figure I'm lucky that I didn't lose more than friends.

So to reiterate, I don't know how to emotionally understand that she isn't real and that what we had was basically a hopeful, accidental lie. Something that we both wanted to exist that wasn't sustainable because our narratives demanded that it be destroyed eventually. I feel like l watched my best friend die after I found out they had been lying uncontrollably the entire time I had known them and that I'm expected by my family and friends to deal with it with no closure. Accept and move on. I've tried and it has gotten better but this particular part has me stuck.

Any words from anyone would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

[Learn and live]

I'm having trouble maintaining the notion that the identity that she displayed and that I re-enforced with my projections, wasn't real. It's been quite some time since I've seen her or heard anything about her but I miss the person suit she was wearing when I met her. I understand cognitively that she wasn't that person but it is hard to really emotionally let it resonate that she wasn't that person. My heart still aches and though the pain has diminished and dulled, it is still there lingering. Every once in a while she comes back up psychologically to haunt me. I have dated others but I don't feel much for them passed a fond affection and appreciation for who they are in their kindness and their humor. I can't yet allow myself to leave that small part of her behind for some reason and it renders me incapable of truly pursuing a healthy connection with another woman. I've read several books and speak to my T sometimes twice a week. I've made real progress with most of my dealings with regards to my ex. This is one of them that remains elusive... .

Some information:

I won't go into her dysfunction too much because it was blatant and fully realized and similar to nearly every story on this board so i'll try to stay on topic instead. Trust me, I was wearing my cape the whole relationship and she nearly never had dry eyes and I'm sure a clear conscience... . 

So it has been just over a year and a month since I made the choice to leave her and 8 months no contact. I implemented no contact  the second I broke it off with her. I went full block and delete from social media 2 weeks later when she broke boundaries and started liking my posts. On my birthday(6 months or so later) she dropped a card in my mail box that wasn't signed. Then I saw her driving in my neighborhood and we talked(same day, my birthday). She tried to have sex and I denied her advance but I spent 4 hours with her where she wasn't vague about the men she was stringing along and how much she fancied her power over them. this was an illuminating experience as I hadn't seen this side of her before. After some time she dropped me off at work and I told her I couldn't get back with her but that I could potentially see her show(actress). She cried and told me she didn't care if I saw other people but that it cut deep that I told her that eventually we would both fall in love with others and move on with our lives. I think it disrupted her narrative that we'd come back together and marry later... .After this I ended up thinking better of seeing her again and didn't respond to her text of where and when it would be. I wrote her a letter a week later explaining that I loved her but that we were unhealthy together and to not contact me again for several years at least. We share several friends and wanted to be tactful.  That was the last she heard from me and I haven't heard from her directly since. I heard through one of her exes that is still peripheral to her life that she had a meltdown when I didn't respond or end up going to her show(she thought I would regardless of my letter stating I wouldn't) and started painting me black so I stayed away. Lost some but not all friends over it. After reading on here for the past year, I figure I'm lucky that I didn't lose more than friends.

So to reiterate, I don't know how to emotionally understand that she isn't real and that what we had was basically a hopeful, accidental lie. Something that we both wanted to exist that wasn't sustainable because our narratives demanded that it be destroyed eventually. I feel like l watched my best friend die after I found out they had been lying uncontrollably the entire time I had known them and that I'm expected by my family and friends to deal with it with no closure. Accept and move on. I've tried and it has gotten better but this particular part has me stuck.

Any words from anyone would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

[takingandsending]

So to reiterate, I don't know how to emotionally understand that she isn't real and that what we had was basically a hopeful, accidental lie. Something that we both wanted to exist that wasn't sustainable because our narratives demanded that it be destroyed eventually.

To move on in the way that you want, it helps to know our role. So, have you asked why you wanted her to exist in the way that you believed she did? Maybe that's a place to start to get to know yourself. I am finding that this is fertile ground for me to better understand why I chose my xw and how if I can address those causes, I might grow into healthier choices in the future.

[Learn and live]

Wow. Excellent advice. I guess it's because I wanted to feel loved by someone that I wasn't threatened by. To have adventure and experience adoration because I hadn't felt that before. Not to that level at least. It was really quite something to have that given to me when I wasn't sure it could exist for me. I had grown out of adolescence fairly guarded and jaded. I hadn't been loved or admired really by anyone that I felt that way about too. It was consuming. That made me susceptable to the codependent attachment. Being unsure that it was real and unsure if i deserved it  while being enthralled that it was being afforded to me... .i wanted it to continue and she must have seen that and fed the hungry... .why do you think each cluster b is chosen specifically (I know that's impossible)? I mean, their traits are often similar but I had  the ability to choose others but they didn't interest me like she did. She's the first romantic partner I let myself get close to. I've dated other borderlines. None of them grabbed me like she did. Its like she has imprinted herself onto me and i wear her like a scar. So i struggle to let go.

Thank you takingandsending.

[takingandsending]

I wanted to feel loved by someone that I wasn't threatened by.

There's a lot here in this one statement. We all have the basic need to be loved and have connection to others. It is what makes us human. But the second half of your statement implies that you have also (and maybe more often) experienced love as threatening. What part of it feels threatening and why? It's this exploration that might help, not only in letting go, but in learning greater self love. What do you think?

I understand how you feel scarred. Me too. But I believe it is within us to heal.

[Skip]

I miss the person suit she was wearing when I met her. I understand cognitively that she wasn't that person but it is hard to really emotionally let it resonate that she wasn't that person.

I don't think it is helping to think of her as an alien in a people suit.



She was very real and complex and wonderful and hurtful.

We all wear a image mask when we meet someone - she wore one that was thicker and she wore it longer. We all mirror our love interests in the being, its part of the bonding process. She went further than most. I could go on, but you get the idea. BPD is a disorder of emotional extremes.

There's a lot here in this one statement.

I understand how you feel scarred. Me too. But I believe it is within us to heal.

Good avenue to pursue