Going to Modify Custody

[Portent]

So as you guys know my pwBPDexw got a DUI with her two oldest kids in her car. Long story short she went to a bar with my replacement and her oldest kid, got drunk, left drunk with the kid, went to the SD's performance, left drunk as ex tried to stop her, and subsequently got a DUI. My replacement stood bye and let her leave drunk with her kid showing his irresponsibility.

We are now through our dissolution and I have learned that my replacement is filling for divorce from his wife. My replacement is a covert narcissist in IMHO. He has tactfully done a pretty good job milking my ex out of a lot of money because all he needs to do is feed her BPD/NPD ego and she supports him.

Now they are looking to move in together because their situation has become financially untenable. The two of them together have proven to be irresponsible, as evidenced by her DUI and the circumstances around it. He also has a bad DUI accident on his record that almost killed him but hasn't stopped him from drinking.

So my intent is to file a motion to modify custody to include that he can not be present when she has my son. Who has experience with this and do I have enough of a case?

[Panda39]

I guess my question is why are you holding your replacement responsible when it is your ex that drank and drove?  Could he have stopped her who knows, maybe... .maybe not.  Is he responsible for her actions? I would say no she is an adult.

She took the kids to the bar, she drank to the point of impairment, she got in the car and drove, she got the DUI.  How is he responsible?

Could it be that you are uncomfortable about him moving in with ex so you are looking for something to keep him away?  In my opinion you have more of a case against your ex for more custody than you do against the guy that didn't drink, drive, and get a DUI that night.

Panda39

[ForeverDad]

I gather that her oldest daughter (your former stepdaughter) is still a minor?  Yes, that would make her DUI more serious.

But your preschooler son was not with her, right?  That she was driving drunk and had one of her daughters with her should mean something in court.  That the child you had with her was not in the vehicle might weaken your claim about her irresponsibility, I just don't know.  She was willing to drive intoxicated with one child, it shouldn't make a difference with which one.

Have you consulted with a family law attorney to estimate how 'actionable' this is?  What is the parenting time schedule, equal or one of you has majority time?  Are there any other issues that would reflect on her parenting that could be used to strengthen your position?

[Portent]

Have you consulted with a family law attorney to estimate how 'actionable' this is?  What is the parenting time schedule, equal or one of you has majority time?  Are there any other issues that would reflect on her parenting that could be used to strengthen your position?

He bought the alcohol. He let her leave hammered with kid in tow. I did consult a family lawyer who did recommend that the legal bar is really low for forbidding people from being present during another parents custody.

[livednlearned]

I would think you could modify custody based on her DUI, no?

To something like no overnights.

And ask that she get substance abuse testing and maybe goes through treatment.

Did this just happen?

[Portent]

I would think you could modify custody based on her DUI, no?

To something like no overnights.

And ask that she get substance abuse testing and maybe goes through treatment.

Did this just happen?

No you can modify the custody to forbid a 3rd party that is not in the best interests of the child. He is basically a pussy who cant say no to her and encourages her to engage in reckless acts like getting hammered with her kid.

And no this happened in December. She had agreed to keep the kids separate from him but now he is filling for divorce and she is starting to move towards him moving in with her.

[livednlearned]

you can modify the custody to forbid a 3rd party that is not in the best interests of the child.

This might be a very high bar to clear.

It makes it seem like he's responsible for your ex getting the DUI.

Where I live, a DUI would be very strong grounds to modify custody. The court may wonder why you aren't modifying based on that alone?

If you go after the accomplice to the DUI without addressing the person with DUI, it may look like you have a vendetta against your replacement.

And no this happened in December. She had agreed to keep the kids separate from him but now he is filling for divorce and she is starting to move towards him moving in with her.

This is always something you could add to the motion to modify custody.

I wish this weren't so, but orders to keep people away from the kids are pretty tough to enforce. It will fall to you to prove that she is not complying, which means more trips to court.

More than anything, courts want to see problem-solving between parents. Since your ex probably cannot do that, you will need to come forward with that demeanor.

By problem-solving, I mean that you propose a modification of custody until she gets treatment, and undergoes regular alcohol testing. Until then, custody is modified to xyz. Once you have stated the main concern (with the mother's drinking and giving her a chance to do better), then you can throw in something about how you respectfully ask the court to modify custody to prevent the BF from spending time with the kids. You can state your concerns that they plan to move in together and therefore your request for full custody or whatever you are asking for is influenced by their shared struggles with drinking and driving.

[Portent]

Its been confirmed to me now by more than one source that this past summer my replacement, who is also an alcoholic, passed out drunk on the couch while watching his 2 youngest kids ages 3 and 1.5. Their mom and the rest of the family arrived him to find the kids playing in the front yard next to the road unsupervised, him passed out, and one of the kids had swallowed a whole bottle of children's vitamins. Had it been something like kids Ibuprofen the kids would have ended up in the hospital or worse.

I cant have this irresponsible drunk around my kid. This is war!

Whats worse my ex knows this story. She just took his word for it that it was all a lie and did 0 due diligence as a mother to confirm or reject it. And she knows that he likes to drink. She knows that he is a cheep drunk who passes out easily. She knows that he got a DUI car accident that almost killed him and still drinks a lot despite it. Yet she chooses to believe that this story is a lie out of hand despite all the evidence he has shown her to the contrary.

[ForeverDad]

Your ex is an adult and as such you have little control over what she does.  However, some things can rise to the level of being considered 'actionable' by the court.  The DUI, for example, may be one such issue.

Same goes for your ex's BF or spouse.  He is not only an adult too but is also one step removed from your parenting issues.  You can ask for limitations, such as that he not be the responsible adult watching your children, even saying your ex's judgment as to parenting alternates shouldn't be trusted and to default parenting to you when she's not available.  I really don't know whether that would work in your court.

I have a concern that you're taking this guy too personally, at least as court and the professionals there might view it.  What if she and he break up, then it's a non-issue — until the next relationship.  That's why I focused on the ex and her judgment history rather than personally on him.  It's possible that relationships will come and go with her, that is a frequent BPD behavior pattern, so focus on her, not so much on him.  Yes, his behaviors can impact your children but IMHO despite how poor a parent he is, it comes back to her relationship choices.  You can't address who she dates or marries but you can ask court to set certain protections in place that address your concerns about how your children are impacted.

[livednlearned]

I have a concern that you're taking this guy too personally, at least as court and the professionals there might view it. 

This is important to heed, Portent.

Judges have a lot of discretion to decide how to interpret what is in our orders.

I am convinced they are above all else trying to figure out who is the more emotionally mature parent. We have a very short window to convince the judge that it is us, and there is no wiggle room for mistakes.

This isn't a judgment about whether this BF is a loser or not -- he sounds like he is. And you want the best for your kids, that's clear.

The point is more about strategy and how to present your case so that you aren't giving the judge reasons to give the other party second and third and fourth chances.

[Portent]

Well I'm getting the ball rolling. I've got a rough detailing our verbal co-parenting agreement that we were to have no overnights without the others approval, which she is violating. A detailed list of how many times she broke her co-parenting agreement with her other ex-husband, wasn't supposed to introduce the kids to my replacement until after our divorce was final, wasn't to tell the kids about the divorce until after the holidays, both reasonable and in the best interests of the children. Both agreements were broken by her within a month when she started to use her kids as leverage to get him to break his co-parenting agreement this his wife.

Its all messed up.

Long story short she learned that his wife had threatened to take the kids if he had her around the kids. So she started using her kids to pressure him into breaking his agreement so that his wife would take his kids. She doesn't want to be a stepmother so getting him to lose his kids would be a huge victory for her. PwBPD are beyond simple insanity at times.

So I've detailed that I cannot trust her to live up to verbal co-parenting agreements so I'm sending her a written agreement that is almost the same as our verbal. Neither of us are to have overnights when our son is present, and neither of us are to drink when our son is present.

I'm also making the point that she had represented to me that his and her agreement was that neither of them would have their kids around the other until they were both through their divorces so there was no need to have a huge argument about it during our divorce which would happen well before his an we would address the issue when his divorce was finalized. She was just lying to me so I wouldn't make such a huge issue during our hearing and moved him is as soon as we were divorced.

[livednlearned]

Are you representing yourself?

[Portent]

Are you representing yourself?

No I have an attorney. However, I know that my replacement will be filing for divorce soon and I want to at least get my objection to her violating our co-parenting agreement documented before that happens so it doesn't look like I'm being reactive.

My attorney will not be able to see me for a few weeks. However, my father was a very successful lawyer and my mother a CPA did a lot of legal drafting for him so she is very astute and I know many attorney's through my family. You can trust me that anything I send out will be well reviewed beforehand.

[livednlearned]

That's good 

What kind of support would you like from friends here?

[Portent]

That's good  

What kind of support would you like from friends here?

Just some advice on what to expect when I go for modification of custody. Even if I get a written agreement she will violate it. Breaking the rules and getting away with it is like crack to her.

I fully expect her to break a written agreement just like she broke our verbal one. Its just a question of following the proper procedure and being reasonable on my end.

[livednlearned]

It's always helpful to include reasonable contingencies for non-compliance. That way, when/if you end up with a motion for contempt of court, you don't leave it to the judge's discretion to give another three or four bites of the apple. Motions for contempt can stack up like parking tickets with no more than a slap on the wrist.

That's why it makes more sense to ask for something substantive, like more visitation, as part of the motion.

Otherwise, you will spend a lot of money trying to enforce an order that cannot easily be enforced.

Are you ok with the current visitation and custody arrangement?

[Portent]

It's always helpful to include reasonable contingencies for non-compliance. That way, when/if you end up with a motion for contempt of court, you don't leave it to the judge's discretion to give another three or four bites of the apple. Motions for contempt can stack up like parking tickets with no more than a slap on the wrist.

That's why it makes more sense to ask for something substantive, like more visitation, as part of the motion.

Otherwise, you will spend a lot of money trying to enforce an order that cannot easily be enforced.

Are you ok with the current visitation and custody arrangement?

I'm not worried about the money. I have a legal trust through my union I can spend a significant amount annually. The fact that I have the resources for a legal battle and she does not is not lost on me. She has been threatening to bankrupt me if I fight back. I dont think she knows about the legal trust.

I'm fine with the 50/50 we have. The problem is that she simply refuses to abide by co-parenting agreements. So its time to start putting the feet to the fire.

[ForeverDad]

Courts have a tendency to not change what works.  Obviously, it not in your case.  If she's not following the order then the court may be inclined to ignore the lesser infractions.  What they do pay more attention to are the parenting behaviors, not the adult behaviors (such as the conflict between you and your ex).  Give focus to how the children are impacted.

[Portent]

Courts have a tendency to not change what works.  Obviously, it not in your case.  If she's not following the order then the court may be inclined to ignore the lesser infractions.  What they do pay more attention to are the parenting behaviors, not the adult behaviors (such as the conflict between you and your ex).  Give focus to how the children are impacted.

Well I basically got her to admit in a text that we did talk about it and the nature of the agreement. She then went into a splitting hairs argument like a 5 year old that she didn't lie. I'm 100% certain the judge wont buy it but I dont know if one violation is enough. I just need to keep establishing a pattern of behavior.

[Portent]

Update:

Ive filed

She filed a motion to dismiss that was rejected. She filed a motion to pre-empt the judge that was also rejected. Then the allegations started.

She has accused me of physical abuse but not to the degree that she has spread around her work and to my replacement. She has also accused me of inappropriately touching my SD which infuriated me. After that I have have cut off almost all contact with her and told her that her lawyer can call my lawyer for most things.

At the same time there is a lot of Munchhausen by proxy going on. First our son had asthma. She went as far as to claim the doctor said so and threatened to file a motion with the judge to have my house's air quality tested. I pulled the medical record, nope he had a virus. Then she insisted that our son had autism and wanted to fly him across the country to see a specialist. I insisted that we get a local developmental assessment first. Doctor didn't even think we was on the spectrum he was just a slow talker, he's been through a lot. Now its an obsession with his slow talking. When I have him we play and play I play sports caster and just repeat everything his is doing like Im John Madden. All she seems to do is drill and drill words which the therapist said not to do.

Court wise she has filed a motion to continue the hearing for another month which I didn't object too. She is also pissed that the house hasn't sold and has filed a motion to compel sale but it was a combination of her vacations and delay from installers that slowed the sale down so I'm not worried.

[ForeverDad]

Until I called 911 and had police to the house, she had never made an allegation to the agencies.  She was arrested a few days later for making death threats (Threat of DV) on the afternoon of my 911 calls.  Thank you, recordings.  Well, she promptly started filing allegations.  Since it was AFTER our conflict rose to the legal level, I tried to cast them as sour grapes.  However, CPS still investigated any that rose to the level of being potentially actionable.  It was a hassle and background fear I lived with, for a few years I was well known to our local children's hospital's records department.  Most of the time the staff had a look of pain and compassion in their eyes and never charged me.

One night she claimed son had a temperature of 103, her claim right there in the records, but a half hour later they measured his temp in the 99 degree range.

I did feel my son had some level of situational autism, even asked the pediatrician about autism once.  He was slow to talk, had difficulty reading, read word by word rather than smoothly in phrases and sentences until he was in the middle of 3rd grade.  Yet all the teachers said he was bright.  I do believe a major cause was the conflict and discord he experienced.