Leaving the door open

[spacecadet]

I need guidance and can’t talk with friends about this. My LDR / friendship lasted a few months, with the infatuation outpacing the friendship. He first put things on old, then broke it off. He never opened up about his issues but he clearly was ambivalent about having a r/s. Both of us expressed this, then I got caught up feeling romantic and expressed more "pull" while he did more "push". (We're both divorced after fairly long marriages and other r/s's)

Since then, he initiated a steady stream of anonymous or indirect contacts via phone and email. I called and told him if he ever wants to talk, the door is open but I needed him to stop the other stuff, and he didn't. Finally two weeks ago I disconnected one phone line and got an app to block spoof calls on my cell. So it's quiet again.

Without going into detail, the cyber-stuff made me aware he has BP related issues, and I believe he knows that I know. As I wrote elsewhere, he's got some special qualities and I felt drawn to knowing him further beyond that initial period.

My life is good overall. I’m very busy with work, old friends and new. Also doing some housecleaning on my own psyche. While I would like to renew our friendship (handling things differently)... .if it doesn’t happen I’m going to be fine.

Some here suggest that if one wants to keep the door open during NC, reach out with an occasional "hi how are you" email. In light of the above, it seems wiser to leave him be, and if he wants to get in touch he will. But what do you think?

I’ve always felt like friendship means both people respect one another’s agency and he's the one who pushed off. Then again how does “agency” play out when BP is there? It seems there's so much shame just about expressing needs and preferences.

Suggestions appreciated. Not sure if this is the best board for this question, but it's where I’ve posted before.

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[Meili]

This is the perfect board for your situation.

I'm in the camp of those who suggest reaching out with a friendly note every now and again. Of course, the caveat to this is if the other person has asked or demanded that you not contact, you respect their wishes. So, if he has not closed the door to direct communication, then being friendly is not inappropriate.

Now, friendly is the key word here. All of the romantic stuff needs to go away. All communications should be light, bright, lovingly indifferent, and not intimate.

Bright and shiny people are attractive and others want to be around them. When we project clinginess, neediness, negativity or doom and gloom, people will push us away.

A simple "Hey, I saw X online it made me think of you and wonder how things are going?" can work wonders.

The thing to remember is that this, for it to be real, is a slow process that takes time to develop. Things didn't fall apart overnight, and they won't be repaired that way either.

Does all that make sense?

[Tattered Heart]

It sounds like you are trying to take a really balanced approach to things and focusing on working on your own stuff, which is great! This will hopefully help you maintain a balance when/if you are in contact again.

I agree with what Meili said. When I think of leaving the door open to friendship, I would first look at my unromantic friendships and how I communicate with them, then do the same with your pwBPD, so long as that does not mean violating his boundaries such as repeated contact if he has asked not to be contacted.

What do your friendships outside of a romantic relationship look like? HOw can you model those friendships with your pwBPD?

[spacecadet]

Thank you Meili and Tattered Heart. Yes makes sense.