Ahhh, THIS is a drama triangle

[LittleBlueTruck]

Short recap: mom lives with me providing childcare. Realized the extent of her sickness while she's been here so now we're removing the kids from her care (a bit of a process) and figuring out how to move her out. My siblings support it in theory, but all their suggestions for getting her out seem short sighted and unrealistic.

Anyway. My brother will be nearby soon for business and said he wants to talk to my mom about moving somewhere else and retiring from childcare. I know without a shadow of a doubt this will end horribly. But you know what? Why do I keep inserting myself between my siblings and mom and trying to be her interpreter for them and mitigate the harm they cause? I am 100 percent the black sheep and get the brunt of her anger for everything no matter how hard I try. Enough with this all. So I told him great! He suggested he and my mom accompany me on a family getaway we already had planned for that weekend and I said nope, we have plans, why don't you two go off by yourselves and have that conversation.

This is wildly out of character for me. But I can see now how my codependency has been making things so much harder on myself and everyone else. Let him see the hard way what he is dealing with. Let my mom see that, uncoached by me, my siblings often are quite tone deaf to her needs.

My therapist says she sees far more NPD in my mom than BPD. I have to agree after reading up on it, especially covert narcissism. For some reason, that painted a bleak enough picture that I really do feel freedom in letting go. Not being in the drama triangle. Letting go of inappropriate guilt. Letting go of any stupid hope she's going to magically change and see that I DO love her.

[Turkish]

Sounds like you're doing the right thing by not being The Fixer anymore (especially insulting and hurtful if you are the black sleep).

How are your kids,  and what events led to to your decision?

[LittleBlueTruck]

They are good. My son is 2.5 years old and starts preschool tomorrow. My daughter is 9 months old and we have to find something for her next. We're in a rural area so it is really hard to find quality daycare.

My kids love my mom but as my son gets older I see how harmful she will be. She isn't really yet in big ways, but she can be invalidating to him and ascribe motivations to him he is waaaay too young to have. I think she feeds my kids in weird ways - overfeeds the baby but my son is sometimes ravenous when we get home. Since I really "woke up" to how sick she is, i have been working from home where they are always in earshot and I can make sure diapers are changed, feeding is on schedule, etc. She just keeps really misreading their emotions and it bothers me a lot. I think that could be damaging to the kids over time.

And to be honest, Turkish... .my childhood was atrocious. Pretty severe neglect. A lot of horrifying parentification (my mom gushing to me in detail about her sex life was I was 7, utilities always being turned off, never ever any food around, etc.) I'm so angry at myself I let her move in and take over as childcare. She has talked to me forever about how horrible daycares and preschools are and I totally bought into it and really did think all those "material" things (FOOD) didn't matter so long as I had a self professed childcare expert around.

[Turkish]

She has talked to me forever about how horrible daycares and preschools are and I totally bought into it and really did think all those "material" things (FOOD) didn't matter so long as I had a self professed childcare expert around.

Lol.  Dark laughter here... .I found out in high school that I was never safe saying anything good about my teachers. My mother would make up negative things and tear them down,  never even having met them.  They who helped me so much back then,  not her. 

The icky over sharing sounds a bit like emotional incest. https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

I'd bet, as you probably do, that your kids wouldn't be exempt from that.   

It's good that you are taking steps to protect them early.  Kids should be allowed to be kids,  not proxy adult spouses or friends to adults. 

[LittleBlueTruck]

Identical experience about the high school teachers. Same thing with my friends' parents. She would just viciously assasinate their characters to me if I said anything positive about them.

[Turkish]

I heard this about our neighbor,  who was the mother of my still BFF over 30 years later: "she's your "fun" mother! She doesn't know the Turkish I know!" Yes, she referred to me on the third person. I never thought of my friend's mom as a mother figure.  That was my mom's perception (she was about 15 years younger than my mother). Even so,  I took what was just a passing suggestion from that woman about a technical program at the JC (she attended there on her path to get a teaching credential in her 30s), and ran with it.  My mother was no help.

My high school teacher,  who recruited me to get on the academic decathlon team: "Mr. Robinson is cool,  a really smart guy,  but he mumbles sometimes." I had honors history and government/econ with him on 11th and 12th grades, and a was a TA for his regular 12 grade gov/economic class.

"People who mumble are hiding something!"

Oh vey... .

He, my 12th grade English teacher,  and a school counselor helped me get scholarships.

When I got 6 medals (3 gold,  3 silver) in the tri-county academic decathlon, my mother was happy to show up and feel proud even though she had nothing to do with it. 

[LittleBlueTruck]

Ugh,Turkish. This is so eerily similar. My BF's mother used to pass things along to me that I should be planning for because my parents were so oblivious: dates when I should be signing up for the SATs, which classes to sign up for, when to think about colleges, etc. And my mom was merciless about this woman. Insulted her weight, her voice, her "fixation" on me, etc. I didn't want that woman to be my mom, I just was grateful for ANY direction from an adult. She is the reason I went to college.

For whatever this is worth, it sounds like you were bursting with potential. It just took minor encouragement from the adults in your life and the rest of it YOU did. So... .good job on raising yourself!

[Sprinkledinkles]

The flying monkey, as good intentioned as they are, are collateral damage and eventually viewed just as harshly as the witch. You are awesome for letting them talk directly to each other without saving anyone. Great job!

Turkish, I was forced to go to my sisters graduation. She was a teen mom who graduated from an alternative school for teen moms... .very slack education but an accomplishment in itself. My mom gave her diet pills for a job well done . Anyways when I graduated on time I got a trip to visit my brother in the neighbouring province. No grad celebrations, didn't walk the stage for my diploma. Grandparents weren't invited to celebrate my accomplishment. My mom never graduated so why should I get any recognition . She was the same way when it came to planning my wedding. She had a hand me down dress and only a few people so, you guessed it, she really pushed a small wedding for me because I never deserved anything better than she had. To be jealous of your own child is so messed up. When my sons teach me stuff I'm fast to give them props and quick to say I don't know what the answer is. I'm humble with them and the pride I see in them when they get to teach mom something keeps me humble and awed by them. That's how I know I'm not her when that creeping question haunts me.