Mixed feelings on withdrawing from my crazy family

[NoMoreAbuse]

Hi there,

I'm new here - first post.

I'll try to be as brief as possible: I believe my sister (age 53) has high functioning BPD. She has terrorized me my entire life, especially growing up, as I am 5 years younger. Her moods and anger controlled our family, and my mother was unable to deal with her. The parenting tactics were either spanking or basically hiding and allowing sis to rage and destroy any wisp of stability in the household. My father was better able to handle sis, and things were always better when he was around, but he worked 2 jobs so he was mostly gone.

Fast forward many, many years. I have 2 sisters, the oldest is the BPD, the second oldest is mostly estranged from our family (hasn't spoken a word to the BPD sis in over 20 years but we do email a couple of times/year), and then me, the youngest. I have harbored very negative feelings towards my mother since I was about 6. I have felt very angry toward her for not being able to provide any stability (she's very passive and allows herself to be walked on). I have felt sorry for her due to her inability to think for herself. I have felt disgust toward her for basically being a doormat her entire life (I'm not proud to feel this way but it's true). My mom's sister is diagnosed low-functioning BPD and I believe my maternal grandmother was possibly BPD as well, so my mom has a major history of functioning as the punching bag of the BPD women in her life. My mom is often incapacitated with the ongoing stress and anxiety she feels in her life, though much of this in the past was just normal stuff we all face like moving, etc.

Now my father is in the early stages of Alzheimer's Disease and things have heated up because his illness, as well as my parents' finances, have provoked more of a need to communicate between my parents, my oldest sister, and me. In the past year, sis has shown her true colors by continually attacking me for various and crazy reasons: she's been mad because I'm having surgery for a medical issue, she's mad because my parents' cabin flooded (and she blames me because I liked the spot they built -- she ignores the fact that the builder built it incorrectly AND my parents insisted on a basement), etc. The biggest issue, however is the fact that I am opposed to the financial arrangement that she convinced my parents was a good idea: they transferred all of their money into her name alone so she can "guard" it for them. It's laughable, really, if it wasn't so crazy.

I could describe a million examples of her crazy, outrageous behavior/thoughts (she has a literal hit-list of about 7 people she will consider murdering if she comes down with a terminal illness -- I'm sure I'm on the list.) But what is equally troubling to me is my mother's behavior: she allows my sisters behavior and excuses it. I believe her inability to be honest about it actually has encouraged it because my sister has never been taught that she is the problem and her behavior is not ok or healthy. This continues to this day. I have pointed this out to my mother and she doesn't see it and doesn't believe she is doing it. A great example was an email about a month ago where my sister again trash-talked me (she usually doesn't do it in front of my mom, but this time she did) for nothing. I waited to see what my mom's response was (hoping that she would call out the behavior and defend me), but she said nothing as usual. That's how it always is: my sister lashes out, my mom minimizes or ignores, and I am viciously attacked.

I recently took a stand and decided I was done putting up with sis's attacks. I started forwarding them to my mom and, no surprise I guess, but she refuses to read them. Says it's too much for her, and besides it's just sibling rivalry and my sister and I should work it out on our own.

Bottom line now is that I really don't have much of a desire to take part in their twisted, sick relationship. I have distanced myself quite a bit, but I am still in charge of my dad's healthcare and so I have responsibilities on a weekly basis in that regard. Also, I'd like to spend time with my Dad.

But in all honesty, I have been uncomfortable around my mom for 40+ years. I really have no desire to be near her or speak on the phone with her. We do live in the same town and my kids are her only grandkids that she has any contact with. I've told her I am setting my own boundaries with my sister and that I will no longer tolerate her abuse and will forward any of her nasty emails to my mom. I have encouraged her to go to therapy (and I told my sister I believe she has BPD and that I will no longer tolerate her abuse, though I will support her if she decides to seek help).

I do feel bad about not wanting much contact with my mom, but it is truly how I feel. I do feel guilty about feeling this way, but I've felt that way for nearly my entire life: not liking to be near her and feeling guilty about that, especially since she is always so anxious and I know me not wanting much of a relationship with her will only cause more terrible feelings for her (I don't plan on announcing it, but I do believe she's sensing a change.)

So I guess I haven't been brief at all, but I needed to write out the backbone of what's happened. Of course there are many more details to it all.

Not sure what I am looking for here on this forum. I feel good about finally seeing this twisted mess for what it really is and not allowing the verbal and emotional abuse towards me to continue, but I do feel sad about not wanting to be near my mom. Thanks for listening, and I welcome any thoughts, suggestions, input, etc.

[Turkish]

Your mother sounds like she's exhibiting the same dysfunctional skills which enabled her to survive her childhood: denial and appeasement,  regarding her other daughter.  She's the abused little girl,  long grown up.  She doesn't have the skills to deal with her other daughter (and in a way,  not with you either,  though you aren't abusing her).

She seems in denial about your sister,  and it's too bad that she signed over financial control to her.  I see the good thing is that you have decision making status for your father. 

What I get from what you wrote is that you have access to your father,  kind of apart from your disordered sister,  but your main emotional struggle is being around your mother,  yes? And of you had to nail down your primary emotion towards her,  would it be that you resent her for not being strong enough to assert boundaries towards your sister? Maybe more to the point,  not acknowledging your pain?

[NoMoreAbuse]

Yes Turkish you've assessed it all very correctly. I resent my mom, but also have deep pity for her, and a solid dose of guilt mixed in as well as I know it's not her fault she was born into her dysfunctional family, and I'm sure her dysfunctional thinking is a result of trying to survive her childhood. Regardless, I'm highly uncomfortable around her and dislike it. I know she's unable to change (she's almost 80). The only thing I know of to do is simply limit my time with her (which I have done for years) -- kind of maintain a relationship at arms length, but still include her in family events/holidays/etc., and move on. I don't want her and my sister to be a focus of my attention.

Any other advice? Thanks for your reply -- I appreciate it!