The "new leaf" wilted again

[nvrdull10]

The last I posted, my exBPDh, with whom I moved back in with, in an attempt to reconcile, was in the midst of a rage storm primarily directed at me, and it had been going on for weeks. So about 2 weeks ago we sat down and had a pretty meaningful conversation about where things were headed and decided it was best that I move back out within the next couple months. He also was able to articulate that most of his rage was misdirected at me and the anger really was aimed at his uBPD mother. He was a victim of repeated sexual abuse and neglect beginning around the age of 6, which happens to be the age of our son now. So surprise, surprise, all those feelings were coming back faster than they could be processed. His mother denies responsibility for all of the abuse, and says she was treated the same way as a child, so he should just "get over it."

Anyway, within a day or two of this conversation, he tried to initiate sex. This is the usual pattern, as well - he turns over a new leaf and starts being kind for a couple of days and then thinks everything is fine.  Also very aware that due to being sexually abused in childhood, he has very skewed ideas about sex, and equates physical affection with love much more so than I do. So I turned him down and said 2 days of being nice wasn't going to erase the weeks of verbal berating and raging I had endured. He handled it surprisingly well and the rages did not return - yet. We continued to get along well and for about the next week things were much better. We began to discuss waiting another month or so then revisiting the conversation about me moving out. And we were sexually intimate once after that.

But it just never lasts. Last Wednesday was his birthday. In the 11 years we've known each other he has never been much of a birthday celebrator. When I got home from work he was napping but said he would get up for dinner. I sent our son to wake him when dinner was ready but he went back to sleep and I didn't see him for the rest of the night. The next day he was a little edgy and made a comment that I didn't even acknowledge his birthday. So I said let's do something this weekend with the kids and I will take off Monday (today) so that he and I could spend a day together without the kids. He was good with that and we had a good day yesterday as a family.

So today was going to be our day. Got the kids up and off to school and made breakfast for the two of us. He goes to mow the lawn and I go take a nap. I get up about an hour later and he's headed out the front door. No real answer when I ask where he's going - says I don't know and leaves. An hour later I get a text asking if I'm going to pick up the kids. I say yes and ask where he is. No response. Two hours later I text again and still no response. So I leave and get the kids. When I get back he's home. I ask where he's been all afternoon. And he unleashes on me. Screaming, cursing, calling me names in front of the kids. Says he's angry at how I acted this morning but won't say what that means. Makes no sense whatsoever. Hasn't spoken to me since.

This is the hardest part of dealing with someone with this illness, for me, anyway. The unpredictability. The "walking on eggshells."  Sigh... .

[Lucky Jim]

And he unleashes on me. Screaming, cursing, calling me names in front of the kids. Says he's angry at how I acted this morning but won't say what that means. Makes no sense whatsoever. Hasn't spoken to me since.

This is the hardest part of dealing with someone with this illness, for me, anyway. The unpredictability. The "walking on eggshells."  Sigh... .

Hey nvrdull10, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  What makes BPD such a devastating disorder are those periods of relative calm and tranquility, in which one gets hopeful that things are going to improve.  Then the other shoe drops as the drama and rage returns, and you're back to square one, if not less than that after getting abused again.  It's a terrible cycle that takes a toll on one's self-esteem and self-confidence.  I remember how hard it was to recover from another episode of rage and abuse.

Let me ask you some tough questions:  Why do you put up with the abuse?  Do you think that you deserve to be treated poorly?  Why do you stay?  I was married to a pwBPD for 16 years so I understand the quandary in which you find yourself.

LJ

LuckyJim

[formflier]

So... .can you get more specific about how you reacted when he unloaded?

How long did you listen to the stuff he was saying?

What are your boundaries around this type of thing and how do you do boundary enforcement.

   

Tough thing to go through... .be kind to yourself.

FF

[nvrdull10]

@LuckyJim- good questions. To be perfectly honest the main reason I stay is that I have created a not so ideal financial situation for myself and I'm very limited on the resources I have to leave. Even as I write it I know it's a weak excuse and no, I haven't done a whole lot to try to improve that situation, particularly in the arena of my credit score. I have also burned some bridges in asking loved ones for financial help yet again  so then there's the question of why I haven't addressed those things. One answer is that it's been overwhelming to face. One answer is that I didn't make it on my own the last time I left. One answer is that I'm an expert the the Scarlett O'Hara school of "I'll think about it tomorrow." One answer is in the past he's used our son as a manipulation technique and frankly I have really enjoyed seeing my son everyday, which won't happen if I leave. So all excuses that keep me stuck in a situation I don't want to be in but am afraid the change. So the short answer is really I stay stuck in FOG. We are now at 24 hours of not speaking. And frankly I don't really care if we do anytime soon. I will say that it was very devastating yesterday to revert back to being painted black when in all honesty I have no idea what set him off. I have always been able to pinpoint the issue, whether real or perceived by him but this time I really have no clue. And he called me a stupid b**ch in front of our 6 year old. That is so not okay - I have no lack of clarity about that. I did take the step today to find 3-4 reasonably priced rental properties in the area and I contacted them all by email. So tomorrow I follow up with phone calls. I also took out an old meditation book I haven't read in years and wouldn't you know the topic for today was apologizing. Here's a quote I found particularly helpful - "We don't have to say I'm sorry if we haven't done anything wrong. A sense of shame can keep us apologizing for everything we do, everything we say, for being alive and for being who we are. " I'm so grateful I read it this morning and didn't fall into the usual trap of apologizing to him just to make it more comfortable to be around him. I used to do that every time we had a fight, just to keep the peace. But what I found was an unchecked sense of resentment was always bubbling just under my subconscious and I pushed it down further and further until there was no more room left. So then it bubbled over and I ended up engaging in s screaming match. I switched tactics when I moved back in and became almost completely unresponsive to the baiting he engages in regularly. But what I'm realizing now is that hasn't changed anything, really. Now I just get accused of not caring because I don't respond with any emotion. NOTHING I HAVE TRIED HAS CHANGED ANYTHING. And I've run out of new things to try and frankly I've pretty much run out of any emotional reserve I once had to deal with it. It is time to go. It is time to get things in order to be able to make that happen.

[nvrdull10]

@formflier - I actually succeeded in holding my tongue and not reacting for the most part. I did react to the "stupid b**ch" comment, especially since it was said in front of our son. I told him I wasn't go to let him say that to me and I immediately left the room. Believe me when I say it was really hard to not explode at that but I was able to keep enough clarity of mind to know the best thing was to end it there and go spend time with my son. He screamed a few more expletives at me as I left but I did keep walking. I spoke with my son about what he heard and that it wasn't ok for his dad to say that to me, which is why we were going to let Dad take some time for himself and calm down. Which I felt was enough to say at the time. Part of me was ready to have a knock down drag out but it certainly wasn't the time so why do it? Especially because it's never worked in the past. I would really like to figure out what I supposedly did to upset him so much but to be honest, it doesn't really matter, does it? I know I did nothing wrong that morning. The real issue is that these episodes occur regardless of whether there was a legitimate slight on my part or not. So no matter how I act in any given situation I'm always at risk of being painted black  it's the nature of his disease and it won't change unless he decides to seek professional help. He went to several couples counseling sessions at my insistence when we were married but he always looked at it as helping me "get better",whatever that actually means in his mind. He has told me on several occasions that if I would just "fall in line" it would make everything fine. Again, all my fault. Several weeks ago he said he thought he was getting a cross between Ivanka Trump and Jenna Jameson when he married me and he's gotten neither. I was truly humiliated by that statement and frankly I just don't think I can let it go. He has completed several self help programs, primarily Tony Robbins, who I personally can't tolerate, and considers himself "enlightened." There have been many fights about the fact that I won't listen to his self help series bc frankly I just find it intolerable. I have tried and it's just not beneficial in any way in my opinion. But that doesn't matter to him. It's really all about control and I've never been one who surrender all of it to anyone else. I don't even want to do that.

So it is yet another crossroads and I'm working on at least a baby step to head towards getting out once and for all. Did begin researching alternative living arrangements today.

[formflier]

so... .why not leave the room before the stupid b**ch comment?

I'm not blaming you... .but having a discussion about "better protecting you" from stuff like this in the future.

Said another way... when he gets unreasonable... .take a break... .slow it down.

He may not like it... .let him sort that out.  You go enjoy a nice break... a walk... whatever.

FF

[AskingWhy]

nvtdull10, I know exactly what you are going through.  Life with a BPD spouse is indeed like walking on eggshells.  There is no better way to describe it.

It is good that your H is opening up and letting you understand some of his childhood that no doubt contributed to his mental state.  Some BPDs never get to this stage.

Even with letting partners know some of their family history does not prevent BPDs from their destructive and abusive actions.  You need to protect yourself and your child.

Only you can determine when it's time to leave.  You can only have so much compassion for someone before it starts ruining our health and sanity, and that of our children.

I wish you the best with whatever you decide as your next step.  

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, nvrdull, I understand what it's like to be stuck in the BPD Swamp, because I was once there myself while married to my BPDxW.  Don't beat yourself up about why you don't leave; it's something to think about and work through in a way that makes sense for you.  I'll share a quick personal story: towards the end of my marriage, I had nothing left in the tank, so-to-speak, after having exhausted all my resources -- emotional, physical & financial.  At that point, I lacked the strength to leave.  Then something unexpected happened: two kind friends and a family member conducted an intervention on me.  Without going into the details, it was a humiliating yet powerful experience that gave me courage to make a change.  That was seven years ago and they probably saved my life.

What I'm trying to say is not that you should follow in my footsteps, but that it's possible for you to make a change, too, as daunting as it may seem at the moment.  Hang in there!

LuckyJim

[nvrdull10]

Thank you all for the responses. It helps so much to know I'm not alone! @formflier - I have been working on trying to disengage sooner than I used to. I was so taken aback by the fact that he was upset with me and I had no idea why that I was really trying to figure out what was going on when it just escalated so out of control. I could have left the room a little sooner to tell the truth. The thing is, as we all know too well, a lot of times we are damned if we do and damned if we don't. In the past when I just say ok and walk away in the beginning of a potential fight I get accused of not caring. I'm sure many of you can relate.

So update for today - we didn't speak at all this morning. I left for work while he was taking our son to school. Heard nothing from him all day. Got home this evening and house had been cleaned. He says "how was your day?" So now I guess he has cycled through and presumably "forgiven" me for whatever imagined offense I committed. This is typical behavior as well - when he decides he's over it, everything is supposed to go back to normal, without the issue being discussed or an apology given for the rage episode. I literally thought I was losing my mind the first few times this happened. I had never experienced a situation where everyone just acted like noting had happened and not a word was said about it again. I quickly realized that it is how he interacts with his mom and siblings. They a real and yell and call each other hateful names and then within days they are hanging out again like nothing happened, and no one talks about it at all. It is still one of the most bizarre aspects of this disorder. So now I know why he does this to me. I think it's a way for him to manipulate me into being the one who is really at fault when he actually knows I'm not. Like it can give him a legitimate reason to be upset with me. Because if I don't go along with just forgetting about the incident, I can be painted black again and his original irrational anger can now be justified in his mind.

So I just said my day was fine and now I'm in the bedroom watching the news. Haven't said anything else to him.

Tell me what you all think - have you found it better to go along with this behavior to keep the peace? Should I see the house cleaning and pleasant attitude as an apology? I feel like not ever talking about it is giving him a pass on his inappropriate behavior. I don't have the energy tonight to confront him about any of it, I do know that. I'm emotionally drained and frankly pretty pissed off so it's definitely not time for that right now. I'm really interested in anyone's insight on how to best deal with cycling.

[formflier]

"Not knowing why" and a desire to "figure it out" have gotten me... .and I suspect many other "nons" in quite a bit of trouble over the years.  It keeps us engaged long past when we should have disengaged. 

It was helpful to me to really think through times when there was "dysregulation" or my wife was "almost there".  I realized that "rarely" did anything I do actually help.

That let me realize that leaving was the best thing.  Let her sort our her... .and go from there.

Let me sort out me.

Life works much better that way.  Although it can get lonely.

FF