Hello laststraw5!
After continued yelling I ended up taking my children home and left him there. I was so upset.
Well done! I know this might have felt more like a hasty retreat than a victory, but what you did was to enforce a boundary you set based on the value of treating each other with respect. Your boundary was connected to one of your core values (I assume and the consequence was directly relevant to minimizing the damage of the boundary violation (removing yourself and the kids from the offensive behavior). Notice that after a failed attempt, you realized that you could not control the actions of the bad actors. Boundaries are about what *we* do if a value is violated, not what we expect the other person to do. That sets us up for success, rather than us counting on the other person to change. Boundaries are a great skill, and it sounds like you have some experience with them. Boundaries work best when you've thought about what might happen and have planned out the consequences beforehand. Take a look and see if these resources are any help to you in raising your game even further:
setting boundariesscript for setting boundariesboundary examplesHe saw a psychologist who also told him he is fine and that we need couples counselling. I'm afraid to do couples counselling because I always seem to say things wrong or upset him when I express my feelings. We usually end up have a discussion that pins all of our problems on me.
The hairs on the back of your neck are up on this. Trust your instinct. As you found with the psychologist who evaluated him, many professionals are not up to speed on personality disorders. It's a very difficult topic. Those with BPD have a heightened sense of shame, and don't want to be found out. Highly functioning pwBPD can be super hard to detect, which can leave their partner feeling exceptionally isolated and confused about what is real. If a professional reinforces that the pwBPD is normal, it can be even more difficult. Congratulations for being able to keep your bearings with these confusing signals. There is a type of therapy called Dielectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT) that has been found to sometimes be effective with BPD. Finding a therapist who is DBT trained can be a good test for whether they are ready to handle personality disorders. You can learn more about DBT at the
Behavioral Tech Web site. Even with a well prepared therapist, there is some risk. If you find a DBT trained therapist near you and want to give it a try, I'd suggest starting a thread on marriage counseling to gather experiences from others.
He brings up all of the things I have done that he is still upset about, years after they have happened and I have apologized soo many times but there is never any forgiveness.
I am sad to say this is quite familiar to me. Have you considered not offering any more apologies for things that should be completely dead? Don't give him any reward for bringing it up. Do not discuss it. Learning how to avoid
JADE may or may not be helpful here, but it's one of the
most useful tools you can learn right now.
I found the book walking on eggshells a week ago and have been secretly reading it. I saw the mention of this forum in the book and hoped I could find some support.
Excellent! That's what brought me here as well. One of the key, relatively easy-to-apply skills I picked up from that book was
validation. This made a big difference in my relationship. There are a bunch of good resources on this site as well (just Google, "BPD Family validation".
The last "discussion " we had was awful. He threatened to fight me tooth and nail over custody of our kids if I ever leave him. I feel so trapped.
Staying is a choice, but given the threats that pwBPD make, it is completely understandable and common to feel trapped. These threats are a coping mechanism -- the pwBPD using any tool they can to fight their fears of abandonment. This control benefits them but costs you and the relationship dearly. The threats appear credible, but in many, many cases, they are bluffing. Does your husband make many threats that he does not follow up on? You can gain some ground by recognizing that these threats are probably just threats -- that is good, though I understand that just having to listen to and then assess the threats is exhausting. Another way to defend yourself is to learn the facts rather than trust what the BPD tells you (e.g., about custody rights). I think your best bet for now is to make a mental note about how many threats he makes and whether he follows through, and see them for what they probably are -- scare tactics.
OK, I hope I didn't throw too much at you in one post. You are doing well to have gotten here, and to have made it as far as you have!
Can you tell us a couple more things to help us understand your situation? How often does your husband "lose it?" Does it happen at predictable intervals? Once he "loses it," how long does it take to get back to normal? Finally, are you enjoying any good times? Does your husband have positive traits as a husband and father that are a significant part of your family life? (There's no right answer to that last one -- other members would answer along a wide spectrum -- it's just a good gauge of how you feel things are in your life).
Wentworth
