Mom is moving out

[Our abuse recovery guide]

It's been a bit traumatic and clumsy, but she's moving out. She's leaving! Too tired to write details but I feel so relieved and shocked I actually did it.

[LittleBlueTruck]

It's been a bit traumatic and clumsy, but she's moving out. She's leaving! Too tired to write details but I feel so relieved and shocked I actually did it.

[Woolspinner2000]

Keep us informed as you can, LittleBlueTruck.

Extra hugs for you.   
Take some time to care for you as you adjust. What will you do to be kind to yourself today?

Wools

[LittleBlueTruck]

Thanks, Wools.

We told her we would no longer be using her for childcare. And my brother then suggested it was time to move out. She then went on an apparently epic rant about me. The brother she ranted to has strong narcissistic traits and is usually pretty unruffled but said he was extremely disturbed by what she said about me.

I think everyone thought I was being dramatic when I said my mom doesn't love me. But my husband said after all of this that he does see it and sadly has to agree with that.

I think there is stronger narcissism traits in her than BPD, thought BPD is absolutely present. The extent to which she is willing to just lie and make up entire events that happened is just beyond disappointing and shocking. I always thought her perceptions were off because I couldn't accept my mom was just lying. But she seems to feel zero remorse making something up if it helps her audience turn against her target.

She is packing and will be moving to another brother's city. This other brother says he will put her in her own place and me and my siblings will all split the cost of supporting her.

I feel full of adrenaline saying this "out loud" even if on an anonymous message board but she is a dreadful person and I don't want to know her anymore. I'll help financially and send a card here and there but I just don't like her. I'm actually really, really, really angry. She made our lives hell here for two years and I didn't deserve to be painted into some villain from a movie.

[Turkish]

With my mother,  it's more complicated.  With the mother of my children? I flat-out don't like her,  even if our kids think I do. I offer the emotional minimum in order to keep the peace, and sometimes it drives me crazy feeling a bit fake.  It's hard to balance our completely valid feelings with the feelings others might expect from us. 

[LittleBlueTruck]

Turkish, I hope I can find empathy for my mom again once we have a little space. She's been so damaging to my marriage, me, my children, and even my DOG that it might take some time.

[Woolspinner2000]

Littlebluetruck,

It's perfectly fine that you are feeling angry and whatever else you may be feeling. That's part of the healing process for you. I am glad you were able to share your feelings with us.  Take a look at the right hand side of our board, particularly at #5, 6, & 7. If you click on them you'll find more to read.

You don't have to step back in to a relationship and contact with her. It is your choice. We adult children have so many FOG that we struggle to allow ourselves to not go there. It's an individual choice and you can make it with the help of your DH and perhaps with a T as well if you have one. I'm like you and would be struggling as well.

You are brave and resilient. I see it in what you write. 

 
Wools

[Harri]

Hi Little Blue.  This is wonderful news! 

It is also okay to not like your mother.  She has taken a lot from you and you are simply putting a stop to that plus protecting your own family.  Empathy is good but it may take a while.  My empathy for my mother waxes and wanes.  It is a process and I am okay with that.  Feelings just are.

Take good care