She hit bottom - I'm trying to be the lighthouse without getting into the water

[Machidiel]

Quick background

My wife of 7 years is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder a little over a year ago. I have a 17 year old from a previous marriage and a 2 year old with her. We have been getting counseling and help for over a year. Things were going great. In May we had a miscarriage, she was 12 weeks pregnant. She stopped going to counseling and started drinking heavily. I tried everything, I was helpless watching the chaotic scene that was about to happen. Within a month she had a one night stand while drunk. I tried talking to her getting her to counseling, and got nothing. By July she had an affair and they began talking and she claims to have fallen in love. She's been gone for 2 months. She hit rock-bottom last weekend at a wedding. She called me the following day asking for help saying she will do anything I wanted.

Its only been a few days, but she started to see a counselor again, gone to 2 AA groups and is scheduled to attend local BPD groups. She's promising to go through these steps every week. This is all great and I'm assisting and guiding. I'm trying to be the lighthouse without getting into the water. We don't talk much. We spend time with our daughters. and we even eat dinner together. I have been there when she wants to talk, about things like the miscarriage, and how she felt and why. I have been keeping personal feeling out of the conversations. I don't want to get lead in to have the rug swept out from under me again.

So what's the problem? Her partner is hours away, and after the wedding no one has open the door for her. So she's staying with me. She told her partner what happened at the wedding and he still wants to work it out, as does she, but she is giving me mixed signals about the divorce. Comments like "did you know, you have to wait 6 months after the divorce to get married again, unless its back to each other." I know it's the "stick" I'm suppose to take away, and I didn't pay any attention to it, but it still kicked me in the gut, and got my mind wondering what she's thinking. She's made other remarks, but I'm not even sure she realizes she's doing it. I have made my boundaries clear. She can stay with me as long as she continues to get help. The conversations of our relationship are off limits past present and future. No we have not been romantic since June.

If she continues on this path I would be interested in reconciling, if that is what she wants. How can I still help, and not have her stay with me? I feel if I send her away she will feel rejected, and loose this motivation she has to get help. I need my time to process and heal, but I'm putting that aside for her needs. If there is a chance to to reconcile I want the opportunity. I have started working on myself and living life without her since June, and I'm still planning that direction. Having her living with me getting help is creating too much hope for me. Like a carrot to keep the donkey walking.

Has anyone been in this type of situation? what was the outcome? Anyone with advise?

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[DaddyBear77]

Hello Machidiel, and welcome to bpdfamily 

I am so sorry to hear that you're going through this. When things seem to be going so well and then suddenly collapse like they did, the pain and confusion can be immense.

I had a very similar situation happen when my undiagnosed BPD wife experienced a miscarriage. We had struggled for many years to get our relationship "back on track" and the reason she was pregnant in the first place was that we finally decided to start trying for a family. After the miscarriage, the BPD symptoms came back with a vengeance. It wasn't until she finally sought treatment for the symptoms (anorexia, eating disorder, suicidal ideation) that things started to improve again. They cycled back to a very low point again after the birth of our 4 year old.

I relate this story because it's important to recognize that cycles like this are very common, and it's often hard to definitively say "things are all better now." We have to recognize that each step is just that, a step. Keeping our boundaries (core values) in mind, enforcing them when needed, and generally focusing on maintaining a Wisemind is essential. It seems like you are doing this - great job 

Here's something you said in your post:

I need my time to process and heal, but I'm putting that aside for her needs.

Before you put aside your focus on yourself to attend to her needs, can you tell me more about how you were feeling? Were you learning some things about yourself? Did you discover needs and desires that were being shoved to the side while you were involved the first time?

[Machidiel]

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply I appreciate it. I'm sorry to hear about the pain you have been through.

I feel I was getting my needs met, however she was a little "needy" at times. I would do sports one night a week almost every season, and she would want me home cause her mind would wonder to bad places at times. I would stay home and watch our 2 year old so she could go out with friends on the weekends. She cant sit still for very long so she kept busy on the weekend visiting friends, and family. This seemed exhausting to me, and I would stay home and concentrate on the house. I wish i had more help around the house. I think that would of been my only need not being met. She was always honest with me and never lied or hid things until the miscarriage. We would try and talk to discuss our issues which helped. After the miscarriage was another story. We couldn't agree on anything, and she was very irritable at anything I said or did.

Right now I'm confused. I'm reading these books and posts about being devalued and idolization. I feel that's what has happened, but as of the incident at the wedding she has been extremely nice and understanding. I advised her to be alone for a little while, and figure herself out, before making life changing decisions. She has agreed. She wanted to know for how long. I obviously couldn't say. She's obviously still idolizing the other man, is she keeping me on a hook in case things go sour? She seems very cognitive right now. Does she understand and know what she is doing? Is the episode over and she is in love? The other man is nothing she ever wanted before. I'm not putting him down. He's a cattle farmer, and she never want to live in the country and never wanted a farmer cause they work a lot of hours. She says she's like the time she has to herself. Which was odd cause I couldn't leave her alone very often. these are all rhetorical questions, I don't expect answers. I wanted to give reasons for my confusion. 

I'm finding conflicting information on these cycles, could you explain more? My understanding is these cycles generally last for hours or days, not months at a time.   

Again Thank you   

[Machidiel]

I wanted to update everyone on what's happened so far.

My wife was doing great, she has been going to AA, and seeing her therapist. She was doing so good I thought I'd give the weekend to herself with our daughter. I stayed at a friends home close by, cause I needed to watch our daughter early morning so she could go to another meeting. She ended up inviting her affair to my home. obviously we had a huge blow out.

She claimed she couldn't be alone. I told her I was not doing this anymore and would not be helping her anymore and wanted her out that night. She became irrational, and said she needs me that she can't do this with out me. I stood my ground.

She is no longer staying with me, I am no longer putting myself in the line of fire, and trying to help. We are no longer on speaking terms and have officially filed for divorce.