Is it natural to feel guilt?

[confusedbloke]

As much as I still love my ex, I must admit there is a life out there.
I was speaking to an old friend on facebook about catching up.
And I said "yeah that would be great, Im a free agent now, so whenever is good".
That night 3 women on FB started messaging me.  It was quite exciting.  Of course at this moment none of them match up to my ex, but at least im getting out there.

So I have a date on Monday and another next weekend... .Bizarre.

Its weird because I feel kind of guilty for doing this toward my ex... .I really shouldn't. 

Is it natural to feel this way?

[Skip]

As the myth goes, the best way to get over a bad breakup is to get under someone. Meaning if you want to move on, the best way to do so is by having rebound sex. It comes from the notion that having sex without feelings is the most cathartic way to forget about the person whom you felt everything for. It's about using sex as medicine for the broken heart.

Maybe that helps for a little bit — it distracts you, makes you feel good, gives you comfort — but for the most part, it doesn't really allow you to grieve the relationship.

10 days ago, you were so raw you really struggled with your ex who was trying to reconnect at some level... .

Take the time to put this behind you. Use your time to play some golf, paint your house, et.

[confusedbloke]

I know... .10 days when your head is a little all over the place is a long time... .  Guess I'm just trying to fully accept that there is no going back by dating other people.  And I don't want to be with that woman deep down.

I want to see what other women are like... .  I'm not bothered about sex TBH... .I guess I just want some validation that I am a good person, and I am worthy of other women, and I am actually a catch.  Whether that is right or wrong I don't know, but it feels this is what I need to do to properly detach. 

But there is a feeling of guilt that I'm doing this so soon after the break up.  I don't want her to find out and feel bad.  Then again, Ive no idea if she is seeing anyone... .Ive not stalked her anywhere so I don't know.  I don't want to know.  I just want myself to get better.

[Skip]

I guess I just want some validation that I am a good person, and I am worthy of other women, and I am actually a catch. 

That's how a lot of members here got into their "BPD" relationship. 

Shed those co-dependent thoughts. Stand on your own feet. You know who your are.

[confusedbloke]

Ha - that's a really good point Skip     


Cheers !

[once removed]

I want to see what other women are like... .  I'm not bothered about sex TBH... .I guess I just want some validation that I am a good person, and I am worthy of other women, and I am actually a catch.  Whether that is right or wrong I don't know, but it feels this is what I need to do to properly detach. 

i think theres something to be said for this when ones confidence is in tatters, and theres a lot of ways to go about rebuilding it without looking to someone else to do it for us.

very shortly after my relationship ended i had a nice, short, flirty exchange with a gal. felt good. however, i proceeded to fixate and ruminate on it the rest of the day, and want more. not so good

[confusedbloke]

Thanks for the insight Once and Skip.

You're completely right.  I'm relying on a "new" woman to soothe the pain of what I'm going through.  And as Skip said, this is why I'm in this position now because I needed validation when my marriage broke up.  So getting the attention from a pretty woman was like a drug... .and I would put up with anything for that drug... .and I did.

I do want to see what other women are like but I don't want to rush into anything.  And yes I'm showing signs of co-dependency there absolutely... .thank you very much for pointing that out.  I didn't realise.

Youre right.  I don't need validation that I'm a catch or worthy... .I guess when youre in this position it feels like I need it... but no, I will be mindful of that and do things for me and not rely on a new woman to soothe me.  I guess its like that old saying of "you only get over your ex when you meet someone new"... .  And I now know that's wrong...

[Skip]

Plus, your "picker" is all messed up by the breakup... .a good place to get safe validation is to volunteer... .and the payback is significant to all sides.

[confusedbloke]

Sorry Skip, I don't understand... ."picker"?

[Skip]

Our ability to pick suitable partners... .in the aftermath of a relationship, it is often distorted by the shock waves of the breakup.

[confusedbloke]

I really could not agree more... .  All makes sense now.  I'm in no state of mind to find a suitable partner.  I wouldn't know what I wanted in a woman.

I'm happy to make new friends... .I'm good at that!  I love being sociable and getting out there.  With regards to a partner, it will happen when I least expect it, but this time I want to be in a place where I'm happy being on my own and Ive worked through my own co-dependency issues... .  Which I suppose go hand in hand?