I recently separated from my uBPD husband and things have escalated terribly

[Amethyst Rayne]

Hi guys  
This is my 1st post, I've only just discovered this site. I recently separated from my uBPD husband and things have escalated terribly. His behaviour has become so toxic and abusive and nasty towards me. I understand this is due to the whole abandonment issue. It still doesn't stop it hurting. There has been a lot of years of it, but it's at it's very worst now and it just keep going.
We have 3 young kids and I want to protect them from this, however he always includes them when he's raging whether is be screaming at them that Mummy is a f*cking C*nt or simply raging in front of them. It's not fair on them, or me really.
I have been extremely clear with him about what I need to happen to be able to move forward with him. Space - it took him 3 months to finally move out. No sex- as I was so far past being able to pretend I wanted it yet he harassed me every single day for it and blew up at me every time I said no. Then moved to threatening that he would go and sleep with someone else if I didn't sleep with him. And I wanted him to get help and start sorting himself out, on his own. I have spent 6 years fixing his financial messes and cleaning up after him (gambling addict and irresponsible spender) to try and make things easy for him. Clearly, this was not the right thing to have been doing for many reasons, but anyway. I want him to do this for himself. He has said that he will no get help unless I put my feelings aside to get back with him and help him do it. He keeps threatening me that HE will be done if I don't do certain things he decides he wants from me, which differs every day.
I am so beyond drained and exhausted and simply burnt out. I literally cannot keep going like this. I am not the person I used to be and my poor kids get a beaten down and terrible mother. This causes me so much guilt because I'm not the mother I want to be for them.
I have been pushed to a point where I don't even know if I can get past my current feelings to even want to do what's required to work on the relationship. I am definitely not in love with him anymore, and I don't know if I can get that back. There has been so much damage done. And I know how much effort and dedication living with a BPD takes and I just don't know that I have it in me.
Anyway, so sorry for the epic post! That got a bit out of hand haha. I look forward to getting to you everyone on the forums  

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[Turkish]

He threatens you that he will be done,  yet it's clear that you are done,  yes?

I'm sorry that he is engaging in such abuse, especially in front of the kids.  Not good for you are them 

If he's moved out,  what is your contact situation like? Does he still come over,  and how do you handle custody time with the kids? I'm assuming there isn't a custody stipulation yet. 

Turkish

[Indiagirl]

Hi Amethyst,
Well this might be an odd thing to say, but I'm jealous of you. You separated! I wish that I could bring myself to take that step. In my head I know that would be the best thing to do but my heart freezes me in place. I've been 18 years total in this mess. We got together when we were teenagers... .
I'm sorry yours is being so awful right now but I think it's to be expected because his abandonment fears have come true. Isn't that at the core of BPD? He will probably be awful for a while but the good news is that if you are separated you can shut his rages out easier, right? Just be careful if he has ever been abusive because leaving makes that situation more dangerous as they begin to "lose control" of the situation. If you think he may become dangerous I'm here to talk.
Hang in there. Things always get worse before they get better!

[Amethyst Rayne]

Thanks for your replies 

Turkish, yes that is correct. I had said I was open to reconciliation if he was to get help. I'm wondering if in saying that I've not been clear enough? Contact is whenever he feels like it. He's seen his kids for max 3 hours in nearly 4 weeks. There is no custody arrangement yet. I'm about to move 4 hours away, back home so I probably need to work something out. I don't want him taking my kids far away from me. He's too unpredictable and irresponsible.

Wow IndiaGirl, you have done so well to have lasted so long. Separating is such a hard decision though, I can understand putting it off. Especially if there are still good times. We just got to the point where this basically didn't exist. Yes, I was thinking this would trigger the abandonment issue. And in my head I know the reality of it, but it still affects me when he carries on. I know it shouldn't. I do worry slightly that the abuse will escalate. I have no idea what I will do if it does.

[Indiagirl]

Amethyst- I think you probably were clear enough with him. He has to choose to get help and choose to get better, or not. I think a lot of people with BPD do not get help because in their mind, much of the time, they think they are right and logical and that everyone else has a problem. That is much of the problem in my relationship. On a good day, he can be logical and understand what I'm saying. But on many, many bad days, he thinks I'm the problem and that I'm the cause of his unhappiness. Ugh.
If yours starts to behave in a way that is scary to you, send me a private message. I can try to help. I have experience in the field of DV.

[DaddyBear77]

Hello Amethyst! Welcome! I'm really glad you joined us.

In your post, it sounds like you're at a stalemate here. You've outlined specific things you need from him in order to resume the relationship. Those things seem like very reasonable stuff, like being responsible with finances, and respecting your right to decide when and how you will have sex. His response seems to be, I won't get help unless you help me get help. He further demands that you allow him to move back in so that you can be more available to give him the help that he won't get for himself.

Do I have that right?

I think many of us are all too familiar with this cycle. And it seems that many members experience a HUGE push back when they finally stand up and say "You must get help for yourself. I will not do the work for you any more"

I think the most important thing to keep in mind here is that we cannot ever change another person. No matter how much "help" you offer, you can't "fix" them. Think about the financial situation - in all the 6 years you cleaned up his messes, did he learn anything? Did he change in any sort of fundamental way?

Also, something jumped out at me in your second post... .

I do worry slightly that the abuse will escalate. I have no idea what I will do if it does.

Can you elaborate a little more on this? Have you taken any steps to prepare for "what if"? What has the history been?

[Radcliff]

Hello Amethyst, I am so sorry your facing your current situation, but am glad you've found this community!  I've got three things for you (I'm a Seuss fan and tried to have two things, but came up with a third

Thing One -- Your post was actually not that long by our standards!  You should see some of mine   I was impressed by how clearly you were able to articulate what you're facing.  You have a good head on your shoulders.  It may seem overwhelming, but with that head, you'll get through this.

Thing Two -- Stick with us.  This community can be a fantastic support network.  People will rally around you when you need it.  Read the resources to the right, read the posts of others.  Reply when you can.  I know it is hard to find time for yourself, but keep visiting the board regularly and get some strength from this place.  We care about you.  Keep us posted on how you are doing!

Thing Three -- visit thehotline.org, the Web site for the national domestic violence hotline.  You might be surprised to find out that threatening to cheat is actually one of the methods that they mention that an abusive partner uses to control the abused person.  Even if physical abuse has never been a concern for you and even if it never is, reading up on that site about emotional abuse and controlling behavior can help arm you to recognize these things for what they are so you can more effectively deal with them.  I guarantee it will be worth the trip

OK, three things.  I hope they were helpful. Welcome again to our community!

Wentworth

[Turkish]

Thing Three -- visit thehotline.org, the Web site for the national domestic violence hotline.  You might be surprised to find out that threatening to cheat is actually one of the methods that they mention that an abusive partner uses to control the abused person.  

That's a salient observation.  It's about control.

AR,

It could be that you could move away with the kids and he might continue to be detached and absent.  My ex SIL moved halfway across the USA with their son with no custody order in place,  even though I encouraged her to file.  He visits a few times per year.  It's cordial.  However,  they still share legal custody by default.  It could get legally messy of one party decides something the other doesn't agree to. 

Though neither one of us had an intention moving away,  my ex wanted to seperate with no custody order.  I gleaned that she was terrified of going to court.  We didn't have to,  but rather hammered out an agreement and just filed with the court: both custody and child support.  So this is possible.  However,  on your case, he's being weird, and you want to move away.  It might be worth it to consult with an attorney or two or three to get some legal perspective. You can find someone locally on

https://www.avvo.com

You might get some initial good advice by asking a question online there first.