Sister-in-Law questions

[spine]

Hi there, brand new to this forum!

I've just finished reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and feel rather certain that my sister-in-law shows many characteristics of BPD and/or even if she is not clinically that diagnosis that it may not hurt to apply some of the techniques the book suggests anyways.

Some of the background/story:

For years my family has been tip-toeing around significant holidays (esp. thanksgiving & christmas), her birthday, and mother's day as all being prone times for a misunderstanding that gets blown out of proportion or turns into a specific attack on other family members or my brother (the one married to her) himself.

We have gotten accustomed to hosting an event and my brother driving the 2 hours to come on his own without her and then merrily going on without ever devoting much time or attention to where she is. A familial trait to let sleeping dogs lie so to speak.

At least three different family members including our dad, me and my oldest brother (beyond the one married to her) have been told that we would be the cause of their divorcing or if she killed herself it would be our fault. But others have definitely been on the receiving end of her rage in other ways.

I am the youngest sibling and 8 years younger than my brother and sister-in-law. And have not had a very close relationship with him outside of jokes and having fun. I don't feel comfortable asking him if he's ever considered that she might have BPD, in part because I'm fairly certain she logs into his email and calling him is a crapshoot if she is around, on top of the fact that it's uncomfortable to pick at something that is so delicate.

I find myself doing whatever I can to avoid situations that put me and sis-in-law in the same place and avoiding reaching out to them to coordinate plans for holidays - which I've been accused of doing purposefully with the intent of hurting her or excluding her (lose/lose).

My question to the group is to ask if there are any other in-law/siblings that have dealt with this, when you're not sure how to approach either the person in the relationship with or the BPD themselves?  Are there suggestions on what you have found works to manage get togethers?

[Turkish]

Hello spine,

It's seriously not cool for family members to place a burden upon you about SIL's behaviors. You're responsible for her not killing herself,  seriously?  

These are dysfunctional coping mechanisms,  of course.  SIL gets something out of it,  as do they.  This discussion on the drama triangle might help lend perspective:

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

Another new member,  Octopuds, is struggling similarly.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=315460.0

And sarahhealing: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=315355.0

It would be good to connect on-board. We always have lurkers who may de-cloak to join you  

Turkish

[sarahhealing]

Hi Spine,

I'm working on this issue as well! I actually got married within the past year, and I had met my sister-in-law before getting married. After learning more about the family and their relationships, I'm going through the same thing. My sister-in-law seems to get more triggered surrounding events for her mom, such as her mom's birthday. This past birthday for instance, a different family member was going to host a party at their house for my mother-in-law and another family member. Everybody in the family recognized that the sister-in-law felt jealous. My mother-in-law, husband, and that part of the family ended up not going to the party at all. I suggested going out to dinner instead, but my sister-in-law told me about why it wasn't a good idea.

The next day after returning home, I had written a 'Happy Birthday' message to the other family member, and she started texting me about how her mom was working on her birthday and pointed out that my husband and I had gone home and hadn't done anything to celebrate her birthday.

I'm also really interested in avoiding my sister-in-law, but in my case, she's my husband's sister, and she lives with her parents. It seems unlikely that we'll be able to avoid her forever, or even that often, since she's there even if we visit the parents. I'm working on trying to figure out how I can set boundaries with her and respond to her differently. I'm definitely interested in following this thread though and seeing if anyone else has experiences that could help me with my in-law too.

[spine]

Thank you Turkish, I should probably clarify that it was my sil that threatened divorcing or killing herself in all of these situations and not my brother.  The time it happened to me, I was so stunned that I continued to let her berate me just to keep her on the phone until she calmed down.  When my brother did call me to check in having seen that she had called me, I couldn't even mention any details and just said I hoped she was ok.

And sarahhealing, I'm curious if your husband and his immediate family have been dealing with his sister's BPD openly or if it is undiagnosed or not spoken of?  How do her parents manage her BPD, especially as she is living with them?

The not speaking about it, just coping as best we can method really feels like it just makes things worse or more isolating, and if your brother is at least aware and willing to face BPD then you may have a chance to seek out therapy of your own and work on setting limits that will most likely piss the sister off and disrupt things before it gets better (at least that's what I suspect would happen).  It's that lose/lose scenario that stops me and my brothers (I have 3 brothers, the one married to this sil is the middle one) from wanting to poke the hornets nest, no matter if it's just calling to say hello. The youngest brother and his wife refuse to even consider having the sil around, don't want her around their children (7 and 4 yo) and pretty much just pissed off at how she has treated everyone in the family as well as how she treats our brother.  The oldest brother was the target of her wrath for at least a 10 year period of time before that.

I've often felt like my brother chose this woman as his wife, it's his choice to remain with her, and that it's best if I just back away and try not to create any more friction for him.  At the end of the day, if they are to remain together he has to back her up and not choose our family (at least not every time) over the one he has with her.

I thank god they don't have children and know that my parents have spent so much time counseling my brother at both his and his wife's request over the years.  But as my parent's age and I think about my dad passing as my mom has already, I wonder about how our family will remain in touch/what type of relationships we'll have, since my dad is the real glue that keeps us getting together.

Hoping more people do chime in on their experiences and how they have dealt with things.