New member - would like advice from others

[momdadsad]

Hi , I am new to this blog- have never posted on a blog before. My daughter in law has BPD traits as her mother does too. Her mother moved in with them last year to help care for their infant while they are at work. Since then my son has not had much to do with us- his family. We do not get to see our granddaughter, even though we live very close by. My DIL is very threatened by our relationship with our son, does not want us to establish a relationship with our granddaughter. He has been isolated from his friends and family. When we do see him, he is very tense and stressed and he does not visit without her. He is not allowed to be with his daughter alone- her mother is always there and he has no privacy. I have read a few other blogs and realize that we cannot change this situation, and we must move forward with our lives and just hope for the best. We want our son to know that we love him and will always be here for him. Any support, words of advice are welcomed from others whose lives has been turned upside down by a family member with BPD.

[P.F.Change]

Welcome, momdadsad!

I'm sorry to hear you are not able to see your granddaughter and that your son seems stressed and isolated. That sounds like a difficult situation for all of you. How long has your son been married? Does he talk with you at all about his home life?

We have a number of tools here that may be able to help you take care of yourself and have more information on how to support your son and granddaughter. BPD is stressful for everyone, and the behaviors can feel very confusing for family members. It sounds like you may already be familiar, but here is some good basic info on BPD: BPD:What is it? How can I tell? And this workshop changed my thinking: Radical acceptance for family members

Are you able to tell your son that you miss him and would like to see him and your granddaughter more, and will always be there for him? We'll be happy to help as much as we can with any other questions or concerns you may have. I hope to hear more from you!

P.F.

[Panda39]

Hi momdadsad,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

This is such a hard place to be in as a parent, loving your son and wanting to help but recognizing he will need to help himself.  That said you can be there for him when he needs you.  I agree with P.F.Change keep that door open for your son and let him know you are there for him and your granddaughter if he needs you.  Is he able to talk with you at all away from his wife?  Maybe when he's at work?

How much do you know about BPD?  When I first found out about it I hit the library and read everything they had on the subject, that gave me a good general understanding of what it is and helped sort out the chaos I was seeing with my Significant Other's (SO's) undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw).

I also wanted to point out the box to the right -> each item is a link to more information you might want to check out Lessons section "Understanding BPD Behaviors" when you have time.

You're not alone everyone on this site has someone in there lives with BPD or BPD Traits we all get it.

Hang in there and let us know how we can help or support you further. 

Panda39

[Turkish]

Do you have any info on when the mother moves out?

My ex comes from a culture where women are caretakers and men are providers.  Females take care of the babies.  Period.  It drove me nuts on what I wasn't allowed to do with the kids,  like not bathing them for at least the first six months.  My mother is an RN, who worked neo-natal in nursing school.  She was similarly shut out.

Mom-grandma-baby was their world.  Luckily,  grandma didn't live with us. 

I'm not excusing your son, but rather offering a perspective on what he might be going through: trying to keep the peace while dealing with the change of having a new baby. 

Your son is the gateway to your grand baby. That he's stressed is understandable. 

He's not BPD, but may be lost and demonstrating the dysfunctional coping mechanisms of a pwBPD  (person with BPD). You may get better traction trying the validating communication tools with him.  Take a look at the lessons at the top of the board to start.  It's a lot to take in,  but please ask any and all questions. 

Turkish