Mom's Anxiety With Kids' School

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

S7's 2nd grade teacher got redeployed to another school in the district which had more kids.

I received a text last night,  with an image of the note showing the choices: put back in 1st grade, put into a 2nd grade classroom, and put into a hybrid 1st/2nd grade classroom. S7 was placed into the hybrid class.

Their mom's concern was that he was being demoted (punished).

To boil down the text conversation last night, 

She: "I don't think it's good that S7 is going back with 1st graders. I talked to [our summer babysitter whose daughter was in the same class] and she agrees."

Me: "we should ask why he was chosen. I was in combo classes in 4th (with 3rd), and 5th/6th when I was in a private school.  It worked."

She: "S7 does better with younger kids.  I want to get him tested to see if he can advance to 3rd grade."

She's been on this "the kids are geniuses" deal for a few years now.  She wanted for D5 to skip preschool to go into pre-K at the time.  I pointed out that by state law,  this would leave her in limbo for a whole year since kids can't start kindergarten until they are 5. She's talked about skipping our son every year. 

She also told me last night that our son was nervous about going into 2nd grade because he thought he wasn't smart enough.  Funny.  He's never told me that.   

Me (verbatim and getting pissed off): "He's nervous about going into second grade yet you want him to skip to 3rd, possibly throwing him into an environment in which he'd feel more anxiety and out of place,  also given your concerns about his limitations dealing with older kids.  This doesn't make sense what's best for S7."

She: "that's a good question and I don't think that putting him with 1st graders is best either."

She asked who should email them.  I said I would today, so I did. 

Cue the morning email chain. More of the same,  but including the teacher and principal.

I basically asked what rubric was used to determine the placement. I was kind of BIFf. Get the facts. Then I got a text,  "you didn't ask why?" Yes, I did.  I told her this.  Then went to lunch.  The principal responded.

Basically, they determined it based upon the individual kids and how they would do.  S7 was placed back with his 1st grade teacher, along with whatever cohort from the class. They determined who would do well in a mixed classroom, and S7 was one of those.  The principal said that in her experience,  kids in mixed classes tended to be a little ahead. The older kids tended to take on leadership roles for the younger kids which was good for them.  Etc... .

Not good enough for Mommy.  She responded.  Verbatim: "I want S7 transferred into a 2nd grade class... ."

The principal slapped that down (BIFFly... .I was impressed,  and was munching pop corn).

I'm surprised I didn't get a text or call tonight about it, but it's still early. What the school said is what I thought.  Mommy took it to an extreme.  I suppose S7 won't be a future Intel CEO now.  Yes,  I know that's how she thinks.  This ultimately isn't about the kids,  but her. This skipping grades stuff is nonsense (at least at this point).

S7 scored genius level on one component of his IQ test, but when averaged with the others,  came out in the 92nd percentile. He might not even qualify for GATE. I might point this out to her since I'm sure she only gave his ASD evaluation a glance. It included the IQ test.

So now I'm left with,  "do I engage in triangulation with the school?"

She already profiled herself two years ago approaching a kindergarten mom whose son was bullying ours. My ex was threatening her with legal action.  That mom went to the principal. We got called into a meeting and my ex got smacked down in front of the principal, school nurse, and school counselor. I was Switzerland.

I bring the kids to school Monday.  I'm thinking of talking to the principal. I'm not thinking of triangulating against, my ex per say, but just saying thank you for explaining it (though I did by email until my ex went off), and that I'm on board.  Should I talk to the principal? The school goes to 5th grade so we could be there another 5 years with the same staff. 

I forwarded the email chain to one of my coworkers,  an older lady whose daughter is 26. She said basically,  "what the hell is wrong with your ex?" This lady isn't a pushover either and would have told me of she thought the principal was out of line. 

[Turkish]

S7's 2nd grade teacher got redeployed to another school in the district which had more kids.

I received a text last night,  with an image of the note showing the choices: put back in 1st grade, put into a 2nd grade classroom, and put into a hybrid 1st/2nd grade classroom. S7 was placed into the hybrid class.

Their mom's concern was that he was being demoted (punished).

To boil down the text conversation last night, 

She: "I don't think it's good that S7 is going back with 1st graders. I talked to [our summer babysitter whose daughter was in the same class] and she agrees."

Me: "we should ask why he was chosen. I was in combo classes in 4th (with 3rd), and 5th/6th when I was in a private school.  It worked."

She: "S7 does better with younger kids.  I want to get him tested to see if he can advance to 3rd grade."

She's been on this "the kids are geniuses" deal for a few years now.  She wanted for D5 to skip preschool to go into pre-K at the time.  I pointed out that by state law,  this would leave her in limbo for a whole year since kids can't start kindergarten until they are 5. She's talked about skipping our son every year. 

She also told me last night that our son was nervous about going into 2nd grade because he thought he wasn't smart enough.  Funny.  He's never told me that.   

Me (verbatim and getting pissed off): "He's nervous about going into second grade yet you want him to skip to 3rd, possibly throwing him into an environment in which he'd feel more anxiety and out of place,  also given your concerns about his limitations dealing with older kids.  This doesn't make sense what's best for S7."

She: "that's a good question and I don't think that putting him with 1st graders is best either."

She asked who should email them.  I said I would today, so I did. 

Cue the morning email chain. More of the same,  but including the teacher and principal.

I basically asked what rubric was used to determine the placement. I was kind of BIFf. Get the facts. Then I got a text,  "you didn't ask why?" Yes, I did.  I told her this.  Then went to lunch.  The principal responded.

Basically, they determined it based upon the individual kids and how they would do.  S7 was placed back with his 1st grade teacher, along with whatever cohort from the class. They determined who would do well in a mixed classroom, and S7 was one of those.  The principal said that in her experience,  kids in mixed classes tended to be a little ahead. The older kids tended to take on leadership roles for the younger kids which was good for them.  Etc... .

Not good enough for Mommy.  She responded.  Verbatim: "I want S7 transferred into a 2nd grade class... ."

The principal slapped that down (BIFFly... .I was impressed,  and was munching pop corn).

I'm surprised I didn't get a text or call tonight about it, but it's still early. What the school said is what I thought.  Mommy took it to an extreme.  I suppose S7 won't be a future Intel CEO now.  Yes,  I know that's how she thinks.  This ultimately isn't about the kids,  but her. This skipping grades stuff is nonsense (at least at this point).

S7 scored genius level on one component of his IQ test, but when averaged with the others,  came out in the 92nd percentile. He might not even qualify for GATE. I might point this out to her since I'm sure she only gave his ASD evaluation a glance. It included the IQ test.

So now I'm left with,  "do I engage in triangulation with the school?"

She already profiled herself two years ago approaching a kindergarten mom whose son was bullying ours. My ex was threatening her with legal action.  That mom went to the principal. We got called into a meeting and my ex got smacked down in front of the principal, school nurse, and school counselor. I was Switzerland.

I bring the kids to school Monday.  I'm thinking of talking to the principal. I'm not thinking of triangulating against, my ex per say, but just saying thank you for explaining it (though I did by email until my ex went off), and that I'm on board.  Should I talk to the principal? The school goes to 5th grade so we could be there another 5 years with the same staff. 

I forwarded the email chain to one of my coworkers,  an older lady whose daughter is 26. She said basically,  "what the hell is wrong with your ex?" This lady isn't a pushover either and would have told me of she thought the principal was out of line. 

[flourdust]

Yikes! Isn't it fun when they go to war with someone else?  

A couple of scattershot thoughts ... .

Legally (from your divorce decree), what's the decision-making process for the kids' education between you and your ex?

At the elementary school level, grade levels are more about socialization and the kids' maturity than content. I think the preference is to keep kids with peers of the same maturity and address any issues of content with enrichment/gifted programs... .assuming the school district has them at that grade level. (Unfortunately, this depends more on the funding of the school than the kids' needs.)

You may want to talk to the principal to learn about the school's relevant policies and also to communicate the relevant legal custody issues in your decree.

[Turkish]

We have joint decision per the custody stipulation. I sent a copy two years ago to be filed at the school per their policies. 

There is nothing specific in the verbiage like "both parents must agree to school transfers." I actually filled out the paperwork and signed the forms for both kids.  I jumped on D5's early in case their mom got it into her mind to sign her up somewhere else.  It would make zero sense to have the kids at seperate schools. 

Luckily, we are kind of stuck here because both kids are in the after school program.  It's structured, so it's neither just study hall nor recess (nor Lord of the Flies).

I just saw an email from the new/old teacher and she reiterated what she told us last year "S7 is one of my brightest students... .this doesn't mean he's performing below grade level... .help him build his leadership skills... .He helped her with some things during the after school program... .I talked to him and he's happy that some of his friends are still with him... ."

In other words, very positive.  Not the worst parts of The Bible,  The Spanish Inquisition, nor cats and dogs living together.  Leave it to a pwBPD to make a mountain of a molehill. 

When I was still with her, I used to tire of the things she said about negativity: in other people,  negative energy,  etc.  After a while I realized that the most negative thing in our lives was her.  I used to think of it like this:  10 people standing in a room having a good time.  Then in she walks like a storm cloud, casting a pall upon the room. 

Occasionally I miss her, but not really.  I agreed to let her ride with us out of town tomorrow to go visit my exBIL (housewarming party I think). Hopefully it will be a chance to have a constructive discussion.

[david]

I have two boys with my ex. The first one was a genius until he started questioning his mom. She then painted him black.
Ex was convinced our second boy had downs syndrome the day he was born. It took the doc two days to convince her he did not. We separated when he was 5.5 years old. Ex put him in kindergarten against my opinion. He struggled and repeated. Ex insisted he be tested. The school tested him , the results were inconclusive, yet ex insisted he be given an IEP and they gave him one. In second grade his teacher set up a meeting with just me. She didn't understand why he had an IEP. I asked the school to retest him. He was placed in their accelerated program after that and is doing well. He is in 8th grade now.
I picked him up at school his first day in first grade. He walked out of the building with a smile. Apparently one of his friends from the first year of kindergarten was left back in first grade and was in his class that year. He expressed relief because he thought he was stupid since he didn't know anyone else that ever repeated a class.
My ex's emotions drive her to places that honestly make no sense and she can't be talked out of it. She still thinks our youngest has a learning disability. He builds electrical circuits and solders all the pieces together himself. He has actually built a few pretty cool things. He is currently building a tiny oscilloscope so he can test the circuits he wants to build.

[david]

I tried to co parent with ex when she enrolled our youngest in kindergarten. I thought, with all the chaos going on, that he was not ready for kindergarten and should go to a pre k program first. I didn't know how to "co parent" with ex back then because I believed we were both looking out for our sons best interest. If I had to do it over with a better understanding of my ex I would have tried to make it her idea. Instead I tried to discuss things and she simply did whatever was opposite to my ideas. Most of the difficulty he had that first year in kindergarten had to do with socialization. His teacher also indicated he seemed to tune out a lot. His second year in kindergarten showed a major improvement. He had the same teacher so she had something to compare.

[Turkish]

I let her drive with us today to her eldest brother's new home,  kind of a housewarming.  So we had time to talk. 

Two years after she left,  she was kicked out of a subsidized apartment (2 bedroom).  When she got married and moved her H in,  his income,  even as small as it was,  put them at the limit. 

They moved into a large 1 bedroom, the rent increasing by over $500/ month.  She carried most of it,  and this was a huge source of conflict on their marriage.  This January,  she moved into a smaller 1 bedroom in the same complex.  He moved elsewhere.  She sea trying to come back into my home,  but being subtle until she flat out asked me on Memorial day. I said no.  She decided to work out her marriage. She's been wanting to divorce him for over two years.  She had to seperate. Mutual DV, mostly her.  I haven't asked how the reconciliation is going. 

She told me today that she got a call last week about subsidized housing from an application she filled out in 2013. She said it looks good.  $500/month less than she's paying now,  and the new place would be a 3 bedroom town home.  So she's now moved four times in four years,  each move due to her impulsivity. 

Now she's looking into the schools in what will likely be a new district.  Won't go into our discussion about education, environment,  and the kids (opinions will vary,  and some of her concerns are valid), so I asked how she was going to deal with after school care. 

I stood in line a few weeks ago at 6 am to get them into a free after school program.  It saves us combined about $1200/month.  The kids also stay with their peers.  If she will have income freed up,  it may be harder to argue this point. 

If this were to go to court (unlikely,  but I'm thinking worst case), would I be questioned, "why wouldn't you want to support your children going into a better school?"

My main concern is what's best for the kids emotionally.  I tried to validate without JADEing, "the kids already have it better than both of us did at their ages." Acknowledged,  but not good enough. 

I'm going to talk to the principal and the teacher to tell them what's going on,  without going into the dirt details.  To be cynical, the principal at least won't want to lose two students.  I think I can work this until the end of the year. 

[Turkish]

I volunteered in S7's class the other week.  I told the teacher at recess about mom's desire to transfer the kids.  I gave both 1st and 2nd grades reading placement tests.  Our son scored on top.  I was kind of easy on the other kids,  but I gave our son no quarter. Didn't have to worry.  

There was another school function tonight.  I caught the principal on the quad.  I was watching the kids,  as were the ABA therapists. The kids' mom was on the other side of the quad. I caught the principal and gave her the "elevator speech" about what was going on.  I said that I've gone through this every year,  including when their mom wanted then 3 daughter to skip into Pre-K. The principal said, "really? Kids should be kids." Exactly.  

I told her that I didn't want to triangulate the school into this and that I didn't expect them to manage such things,  but that mom,  after the email exchange,  told me she was moving,  and that she was already looking into transferring schools. The principal told me,  "no,  thank you.  The more I know,  the more I can do to help." I didn't feel badly. Mom already profiled herself two years ago when S7 was in kindergarten. Mom confronted the mother of a child who may have bullied our son.  My ex threatened the mother with legal action. The other mother complained to the principal.  We literally got called into the principals office and told that we (she) couldn't threaten parents on campus.  My ex profiled herself there two years ago.  At another school, I have no doubt that she'd profile herself for something.

All in all,  it went well,  except I was triggered by mom's anxiety and minor criticism.  Mostly her anxiety about feeding the kids.  The PTA was putting on a bbq concurrent with the school event.  I knew that.  :)idn't stop her from bringing food and criticizing me for not picking up the kids and hour earlier to feed them.  

[flourdust]

Well done, Turkish! You showed who was the adult in the room -- and more importantly, you took care of your kids' needs.