I think I'm off to a good start...

[mousemat]

Hello all, thank you (in advance) for your support.  I hope I'll be able to provide some too one day.

Here's my story... .

My relationship of four years has been 30% good times, 50% fair times and 20% really bad.  So probably not too terrible, going by some other stories.  My partner is kind (most of the time) and handsome, and on the good days I feel he's quite a catch.  But there haven't been nearly enough of them.

I suspected BPD as the cause long ago, but after raising the subject once - a couple of years ago - during an awful, combative relationship-counselling session, the counsellor (and of course my partner) reacted very negatively to my raising it, so I've never gone near it again.  But after a particularly bad couple of weeks, in which I was starting to think that leaving was becoming an option, I decided there was nothing to lose by looking into it.  I bought a copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells, read it all (secretly) in two days, and at the end felt like the authors had met my partner, it describes his often crazy & unpredictable behaviour so well.

So, I thought I'd start with one of the simpler suggestions ... .just saying "I can see you're upset".   So last night, after getting home from work and walking into an atmosphere of rapidly alternating anger & sadness, I tried it out.  And it seemed to work - he didn't get any happier, but the focus of his anger/sadness started to be less about me and more about everything else that's wrong (which on some days is pretty much everything).  That was quite a relief.  So I kept saying it, probably six times over the space of an hour, and each time it seemed to be well-received, in the way described.

Here's the most interesting part - the biggest effect was not on him, it was on me!  For the first time in years, I felt like I had some control over my situation.  For the first time ever I was doing something which was having a predictable effect, and that's amazing!

I thought I'd try something else from the book.  When he criticised me for keeping an untidy house (which is a fair criticism, personal organisation is something I've always struggled with, even as a kid), I came back with "yes, it's something I really need to improve on, and I really do want to, although I can see that of the mess in this room, only half of it is mine, so I guess we can both work on improving it".   He looked astounded, which I guess tells me I haven't stood up for myself much.  After a few seconds he said: "Well, yes, but I really don't like hearing you say it".   I wasn't sure how to respond to that without starting an argument, so I let it go.

Then I thought I'd try humour, as the book also suggests.  I don't recall what the subject was or what I said, but I thought it was funny, although he didn't seem to like it.  It did however seem to slightly defuse whatever he was upset about.

By this stage I was starting to feel excited ... .thinking maybe I'm onto something here!   I guess it showed in my reactions, as I started feeling a sense of positivity that I've not had in a long time.   Then, much later in the evening, he suddenly said (in very dramatic fashion) "What is going on with you, why are you being like this?"   "What do you mean, how am I being?"   "You're being really positive about everything, it's making me feel really concerned, something must be wrong!"  I wish I hadn't reacted the way I did - I started giggling like a kid, I felt so happy.  Of course, he got quite angry.  ":)on't laugh, this is serious, I don't know what's going on, what's going on?"   

The book is very clear that any changes by the non-BP will cause upset and a potentially wide range of reactions from the BP, so I wasn't surprised.   I pulled on my most serious face - which in honestly probably wasn't all that serious-looking - and said "Because I love you, I've decided to do things differently, and I'm doing it for both of us."   He started crying.

He's stayed in a really low, upset mood all evening, and he's still that way this morning.  But I feel the opposite - it seems incredible to me that what's in the book really seems to work, and the fact that its predictions about how he'll react are accurate.  That changes everything - instead of life being a random-direction rollercoaster, maybe there's a chance I can have a (somewhat) normal life with him, an idea I had given up on.

I'm not naive enough to think there won't still be bad times, probably lots of them, but maybe I'll be able to handle them without collapsing into despair.   I wouldn't have said that 48 hours ago, so that's a remarkable change in a remarkably short period of time.

I feel good.

Thanks for listening,
Miller

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[mousemat]

Update ... .I came off my giddy high pretty quickly, as it was obviously causing my partner real pain.   A couple of days on and he still seems to be in a very bad place.

I know from the Eggshells book that my (admittedly sudden) change in temperament, where I've gone from mostly moody and quiet/withdrawn, to trying to be open & as 'present' as I can be, would be an earthquake for a BP.

Still, I wouldn't have predicted his reaction, which is to withdraw and shut down himself, which is very unusual for him.   It's like we've reversed roles - definitely not what I was hoping for.  So I asked earlier tonight "I can see you're feeling awful, I want to know what I can do to help.  Can you tell me what you're feeling?"  His response was emphatic: "NO."

So I've been shut out.  I guess I just have to wait and see what happens.

[Tattered Heart]

Congratulations! I LOVE to hear such positive stories and changes in behavior on your part so quickly! It's so exciting. I'm sorry that the reaction from your pwBPD wasn't long lived. But, then again, is an emotion from them every longed lived? 

I have not read Walking on Eggshells so I don't know the specifics of the book, but I have heard very positive things about it. Here's my suggestion though, your reaction to your pwBPD caused him to have to take the focus off of you. You wouldn't let yourself be the problem, so that means he has to look at himself. With no one to blame, he may feel quite a bit of shame. He may just be confused and unsure of how to respond to you. After all, you are changing the game up and acting different. Our pwBPD are very in tune with changes.

Overtime I'm sure your new found excitement will temper and your reaction to him will become less noticeable. You'll begin to validate and say things to him and it won't be so shocking. And if you keep practicing, it will begin to become a second nature to you. It takes time so don't be discouraged.

I think it's kind of funny because I've become pretty adjusted to validating my H. There are times that I miss validating correctly and he starts to get irritated with me. He will then accuse me of just trying to "calm him down" and tells me I do that all the time. I just reset myself, laugh in my head because he doesn't see the 1000 times before that I did it correctly that didn't trigger a response in him, and then try to validate the right thing.

One more thought: When I began to work on skills, I saw BPD manifest in new ways with my H. When I realized that since I was acting differently, his old ways of reacting to me weren't working and it was as if he was trying new tactics to get a reaction out of me. It wasn't on purpose, but it's as if BPD said, "Ok. That's not working. Let's try this!" I just keep learning new ways to respond to his new behavior.

[mousemat]

Thanks for the great thoughts, TH.  I'll keep updating this thread with how things progress, as much for my own benefit as much as anyone else's - it'll be a 'journalling' kind of thing, to help keep my thoughts clear & sorted.

The immediate result has not been great, but I am not (too) discouraged.  I think you nailed it with:

... .since I was acting differently, his old ways of reacting to me weren't working and it was as if he was trying new tactics to get a reaction out of me. It wasn't on purpose, but it's as if BPD said, "Ok. That's not working. Let's try this!"

At first he took to bed and stayed there for most of 24 hours, not wanting to speak or receive affection.  I backed off slightly, but kept up the positive messages and tried to stay to my normal weekend routines.  Then, as I was washing the car, he walked up to me, and told me he'd had an affair.

I was literally stunned - it was totally unexpected and took the wind out of me.  His energy levels suddenly surged and he became incredibly empathetic and full of apologies and "I just needed you to know" messages.

A few days on, I'm partly recovered from the blow.  Regarding the affair, I don't really feel like I have any moral high ground, as it's something I did to an ex many years ago.  Admittedly I was still in my brainless 20's at the time, but it was still supposed to be a faithful relationship ... .and I wasn't.  Also, I didn't have BPD and so wasn't dealing with my partner's ongoing emotional problems.  So I will forgive him, though it might take a little time to get there, and there will be much to discuss and deal with.

The manner of him telling me is actually my immediate concern.  I was in absolute turmoil for the next day or so, thinking "Is he trying to hurt me, to get me back for making a change he doesn't like?  Or is this some typically-BPD-crazy way of trying to reach out and connect with me?  Or is this a way of trying to re-establish control over me by throwing me into uncertainty?"  I just didn't know, and I avoided being around him while I calmed myself down (which predictably sent him into a panic).

Eventually (last night) I sat him down and tried using the D.E.A.R.M.A.N. concept, which I got from this board.  Rather than go straight to the issue of the Big Revelation, I asked him why he'd reacted by withdrawing.  I had to keep bringing him back to the subject and getting him to clarify things, but I think he was being honest.  The two things that stayed with me are "The change was so sudden, I really thought you weren't being genuine and you were happy because you were going to leave me", and "I'm really scared of you a lot of the time, I don't understand why you do or say things".

They're not the kind of things one wants to hear from a partner, but it's better that I know he thinks that way.  What I do with the information I'm not yet sure.  Suggestions are welcome.

Oh, by the way, I found this really helpful to hear:

I just reset myself, laugh in my head because he doesn't see the 1000 times before that I did it correctly that didn't trigger a response in him, and then try to validate the right thing.

I like the idea that it can become that easy ... .with time.