Ever have one of those weeks where it seems your world is crumbling around you, only to find out it might be the best thing to ever happen? I honestly don't know if that's how this will turn out, but I'm still excited today and that's a welcome change from how I felt just a few days ago... .
So, early last week I get a pop up in my work inbox at 6pm at night - my manager wants to talk to me at 9am the next morning. This happens, sometimes, rarely, so I felt a little anxious but I dismissed it quickly. What is she going to do, fire me? I'm coming off one of the best sales years I've ever had at the company. I've been with them for 11 years. Less than a year ago I joined the global group with a huge increase in responsibilities. Things are going great! Still, I've heard rumors. There are always rumors. Maybe, probably, it's GOOD news.
I take a deep breath.
I shared all this with my wife. "I knew it, you're getting fired, aren't you?" she says. Ok, she's anxious. I get it. I had the same reaction. I am the sole breadwinner. We've got a 4 year old, mortgage to pay, etc, etc. So I validate her feelings - "I understand, you're anxious, too. We've got so much riding on me having a stable job. The thought of me losing my job must be terrifying." We hug, we hope for the best together, but it's clear that I was going to bed hopeful, and she was going to bed terrified.
I wake up. I meet with my manager. The worst scenario was happening - I was being let go.
Restructuring, they said. Nothing personal. The global team was being split apart. The engineering skill set I have, although valued greatly in the group I was with a year ago, is no longer needed in the current group. More bad news - there's a hiring freeze across the entire company, including the group I used to be a part of. They're offering a severance package, benefits for a few months, I have 30 days to try and find a new position inside the company, but now the clock is ticking.
I text my wife - "I'm being let go" - and immediately she says "What can I do to help you?" Remember how I said I love her? This is the wife I knew. This is the person I married. I said to myself, remember this moment. Remember her initial reaction. This side will disappear and reappear, maybe a dozen times today.
And that's exactly what happened.
I went to her. She accused me of purposely losing my job. She hugged me. She got me a glass of water. She held my hand. Then she told me how angry she was that I didn't pay for her hair styling and the landscaping and all the other things that I should have paid for before this happened. Each and every time it cycled back to "black" I validated her feelings.
I reflected her thoughts and emotions, put myself in her shoes. Even though I wouldn't chose to express myself the way she was expressing herself, I could still truly understand the emotions and thoughts racing through her. Then, of course, I needed to get a hold of my OWN emotions and feelings and thoughts. What a horrible thing to happen. I didn't deserve this. I was such a good and loyal employee. How could they do this? I spent much of the day in my home office, reaching out to co workers, networking, seeing who else might have been affected, searching for any ray of hope.
The cycle with my wife continued, but, as her emotions calmed down, so did the horrible cycles back and forth between black and white. It has also been an advantage to find out that we're limited to a single issue now, for the most part, which is her feelings about not being provided for properly. Other issues like my parenting and my family of origin pop up but we quickly leave those topics in favor of the job situation.
Well, as I said in the beginning of this post, things are working out. I heard from a good friend and former co worker out of the blue, and he has a position that just opened up. I'm interviewing with them on Monday and hoping for the best.
But mostly I just wanted to share this story with everyone and maybe give you some hope. I really do believe in the tools we have here. They don't fix BPD but they make living with someone who suffers from it a lot easier.
~DB77
