Looking for advice for Children and SO

[StanD]

Hello,

This is my first post so here goes. I really appreciate this resource.

I have three grown children, two of which I suspect have BPD and their mother also very much NPD/BPD. I am in therapy for myself, my SO would not so I am going but recently I discovered my Caretaker personality is contributing/prolonging some of the issues. I have been reading some materials on my Kindle because I understand that revealing my suspicions to my SO could be problematic and/or detrimental just adding to the on-going chaos. My SO and I are married and co-parenting our grown children, one of whom is in third round of treatment for Alcohol addiction, depression and other co-morbid issues (ADD, Asperger Syndrome, Anxiety)?

My primary question is how do I work together (hints, tips, resources, etc) with my SO without sharing too much and causing upheaval between us while at the same time trying to work with therapists and help my grown children with learn how to cope themselves with these BPD issues? FYI, we already had a huge issue recently when my SO demanded to know more about a caretaker book I was reading and I had to set a strong boundary I didn't want to share before speaking with my therapist. I struggle about how much sharing and being honest with my SO and also trying to avoid related drama which never goes anywhere. I'm also trying to make sense of my own Caretaker tendencies, lack of boundaries and working on myself as well.

Secondarily, I haven't seen any information about heredity and BPD, but it appears to be running in my SO's family with her Mother and Grandmother but is this established and how do I discuss with my children about passing this on to their own families since my daughter is engaged to be married now?

Warm Regards,
StanD

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Gorges]

That is a great question.  I believe it is hereditary, either through genes or learned behavior.  I don't know how to discuss this but I believe the diagnosis can help with discussing it... .hard to know because the diagnosis is a harsh one.