My brief story, and soliciting advice for setting boundaries with texts.

[gentle_one]

Hello-
My first post. 

QUICK STORY (trying to sum up two years in a few paragraphs)... .

I suspected years ago that the girl I knew in college (and loved very much), now has BPD.  I think it was brought on in childhood, triggered by her father's death, and then a subsequent home invasion in which she was brutally beaten while defending against a rape. 

I knew her 20 years ago, before she exhibited any strong versions of her current symptoms, and thought that mild outrage outbursts at the beginning of our reconnection were related to PTSD. 

We had a (beautiful, charming) 13 month old together.  During the last year things have become unbearable.  I have been receiving therapy from the woman who started as our couples therapist. (eventually the therapist was removed from our process as she was "an idiot, not helpful, fat ___, etc".

The girl I knew is beautiful, and occasionally I see a window into that person what I knew.

However, life after reconnection (and after she was pregnant) were intolerable.  I put up with a lot, thinking it was pregnancy hormones, coupled with PTSD.  It was my first child, and everyone I talked to laughingly told stories about how their significant other was a "different woman" when they were pregnant. 

Looking back, it was all obvious, but I was in strong denial.  Also a big part of this, I see now, was my ideation that I could "save her", and "give her a new life".  But with every concession I made, I became more isolated, berated, used to enable her behavior. 

She has a VERY GOOD psychiatrist, who has not yet made an official BPD diagnosis.

Things continued to worsen, and she became violent after I stopped wanting to have sex.  I think I was protecting myself, feeling that if I gave in to sex it would be exonerating her behavior.  I kept asking for "one week without a fight, without angry texts).

She began to destroy my (our?) property after I would leave the house, stating a myriad of reasons which had triggered her to do so.  She would also lock herself in a bedroom with our 13 month old playing on the floor, telling me that I had to deal with the baby instead of going to work. 

My work then began to suffer, and I am the sole provider of income in our house. 

After much therapy, today, I have removed her from our house to stay with her mother (also a person who triggers the behavior).  I now worry about my daughter, but trust her mother and family to help more than having her isolated with me (she moved to my home state, saying she needed a new life, and then continually hung me with that rope saying I let her transition down in many ways).

We will see where things go from here.  For my part I used to be quite social and drank with friends.  This would trigger her and make her feel unsafe, especially if I came home drunk.  After this was pointed out to me several times, I quit drinking and have remained without a drink for 5 months now. 

I'm hopeful that I will be able to work in concert with her psychiatrist and my therapist (they recommended each other) to get her a proper diagnosis, and that she will begin treatment. 

I finished the book "stop walking on eggshells" this morning, and it was like they were peering into my soul.  I am looking to go back and cross-reference our texts with many of the behaviors of BPD.

I am also preparing that I will need to be the sole custodian of our daughter, which hurts, because I know that at her core my BPD loves our daughter very very much and would never consciously hurt her.

In the meatime, I never set good limits at the beginning of the relationship, especially with texting.  I would try to DEFEND, CORRECT, DENY, etc, what I saw as untrue attacks.  I would become agitated and fight back with harsh words, escalating the conflict, thinking I could "win" at some point.

On to... .MY QUESTION

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How do I set boundaries/limits about texts?  I have fallen into the pattern of texting with her time and again, trying to win on the conversation or just ignore it, and they continue to enflame the situations.

Because so much of the "stop walking on eggshells" book involves tone/body language/verbal communication, I cannot seem to set any limits on the texts. 

Has anyone had this experience, whereby texts, which should be innocuous, get turned into giant fights or emotional roller coasters?

What advice does any one have for exiting a text conversations.  My BPD is so very smart, she can turn any harmless text into an attack, making me try harder and harder to "show her that I meant nothing by the text".

Thanks,

Great to be here in Oz.  I hope I can work through this for our daughter's sake, and create a healthy relationship.  I hope someday to guide and counsel others.

Best,
Me

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Conversations with someone with BPD through text can be very difficult at times. As you've experienced they have a hard time understaning tones and expressions through text so there is a higher chance that what you say can be misconstrued.

BUT at the same time, text is SO convenient. For myself I've found that sometimes text can be very helpful because it gives my H times to think about his response... .so long as he is not triggered before we start texting.

Can you give an example of a convesation through text that went awry? Or a conversation you anticipate may happen through text?

One thing you might try doing is if a conversation may turn potentially heated through text say something like, "This conversation is really important to me. Can we talk on the phone (or in person) about it because I want to be able to hear (or see) you while we talk about it?"

If you must go through text then lots of validating is important. Use language that is empathetic towards her, that builds her up, that lets her know that you are listening to her, etc. Also don't use Invalidation through JADEing.

[Meili]

I'm very familiar with text (and email) conversations like you described. There are over 70,000 emails between my x and me in the 2 years that we were together. I have no idea how many texts there were.

What you will likely experience when you try to change your behavior is an outburst from you pwBPD. It's natural and because you can expect it, you can prepare for it.

Comments like, "What you are telling me is really important to me, can we talk about it later?" can be useful. Telling her that you're too busy for her might not win you a lot of points, so be careful of that. It can quickly get turned into "xyz mean more to you than I do!"

I would also suggest that you give up on the idea that you're going to "win" by arguing with her. Around here, we refer to what you described as JADE'ing (Justify, Argue, Defend, and Explain). Pushing back in this manner is a very common problem for the non. Rarely does it work, and as you have observed, it tends to make things worse. Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse.