How to handle BPD episodes from a parent

[rainedbows]

My mom has BPD. I am a grown adult and have experienced her “episodes” for the last 15+ years. I have a slightly younger sibling who hasn’t dealt with nearly as much as I have.

We get together often because times are more often good than bad. Regardless of all the hurtful and downright cruel things my mom has said and done, there are many more good things - and I feel like it’s why it hurts so bad because when she emotionally kicks me down, I end up questioning everything she has ever felt for or thought of me.

Recently, we made plans and I said we could get together a little earlier if everyone was free after I got back from seeing a friend. She quickly said she was not going anymore. I was crushed, and figure she was mad because I was with a friend (she doesn’t like this as she says I’m choosing someone over her…).

Later my sibling asks her to lunch and she says yes. I am hurt because she will spend time with them even though they have a social life. I also feel hurt because while I don’t expect them to stand up for me (there’s no point, she’s always “right” - I get it), it sure would be nice if something like, “Do you think it could have been better handled? I think it maybe hurt her feelings” could have been said on my behalf. I get they don’t want to rock the boat, but it sucks when one of her fits are so blatantly geared towards me and it’s just dismissed while I’m excluded from the group.

This is one of many issues I just don’t know how to handle. She will not take responsibility for her actions and believes they are always justified and warranted. While I understand and completely empathize that she is sick and can’t help this, it still SUCKS. It sucks really hard. I spent my time since the incident just crushed and filled with anxiety, just like every episode. It’s gotten better after years of therapy - but it still hurts when your mom does this.

What do I do when these things happen? Do I just take it? I hate this because I feel like I validate her behavior. Do I try to say something? I hate this because it often makes this worse, or she ignores my feelings which hurts more.

Thanks for any advice. This group is very helpful.

[Insom]

Hi, rainedbows.  I'm sorry I don't have advice for you but wanted to thank you for sharing your story because some of what you write rings familiar to me (I'm here in part because I wonder if my mom has BPD).

It sounds like you feel depended upon/leaned on and outcast at the same time? 

[Notwendy]

Hi and welcome-

I think a good place to start is the anxiety and feeling crushed by her episodes. This is very familiar to me. I think there is  apart of us who longs for closeness with our mothers- and this was the case when we were children- we needed our mothers. This kind of feeling of rejection feels scary and devastating to a child. We felt this way and these feelings can be triggered easily by our mothers.

What is different now is that we can survive without our mothers. We may still want a relationship with them, but we can recognize that they are not the kind of emotional threat we felt when were when we were children. Our emotional reactions are habits.

When we feel this way we can recognize our feelings and work on ourselves. Self care helps- go read a good book, take a walk, get a massage- something that takes care of your hurt "inner child". Not taking your mother's behavior personally helps. It is more about her than it is about you.

[Panda39]

HI rainedbows,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I'm sorry to hear how confusing and hurtful your mom's behaviors are for you   It sounds like there is a lot of pushing and pulling, and triangulation with your sister going on.

Have you done much research on BPD?  When I first found out about BPD I hit my local library and read everything they had, I found it really helpful to get a good baseline understanding of what I would call the mechanics of BPD... .what BPD is.  As much chaos as it creates there actually are patterns to the behaviors.  You'll see it here when you read the stories of other people and they sound so similar to our own.

Below are a few titles that I liked that you might want to checkout if you haven't already... .

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr

Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteemby Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile
Relationshipby Christine Ann Lawson

I also wanted to share some information with you regarding the Karpman Drama Triangle because it sounds like from your story that you, your sister, and your mom may be experiencing this, below is a link to more... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

Again Welcome, I'm glad you decided to jump in and post.  I know other members will be along with more feedback and ideas for you.

Take Care 
Panda39