Calm Waters Prevail - Why Do I feel Empty?

[RomanticFool]

My r/s with my ex has become occasional texting about cordial matters. I have read much about BPD on here and also NPD particularly in relation to whether pwBPD are actually capable of being in love. In my case it doesn't really matter anymore, I am simply relieved that the chaos and drama are at nil.

I do feel a little empty without the idealised version of love in my life but it is allowing me to focus on my wife. She is largely absent from our r/s as she pursues her own interests and we continue to sleep in separate rooms. I have suggested that we buy a new bed as this was the reason she gave for taking refuge in the spare room, but it does feel as if our r/s is really just a friendship.

I'm not sure at 54 I have the courage or desire to find another r/s. I am feeling empty and neglected but as somebody who may well be on the NPD spectrum, I am not sure I trust how I feel about anything. Guidance would be appreciated.

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[Skip]

She is largely absent from our r/s as she pursues her own interests and we continue to sleep in separate rooms. I have suggested that we buy a new bed as this was the reason she gave for taking refuge in the spare room, but it does feel as if our r/s is really just a friendship.

RM, you keep thinking its her. Think about how you would be if your were in a relationship where your partner was emotionally unavailable for 14 years. She built a life inside your marriage largely without you because she had no choice. It will take a lot of work on your part to rekindle this fire.

As for the empty feeling, I would expect that. You just reduced your "harem" by one. You have to grieve that and heal from the lost - it s huge loss - you have had her in your life since your early thirties.

Here is a grief map: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=37613.msg347360#msg347360

Where are you?  It seems like you have passed through denial and are at the late stage of bargaining... .you think?

[flourdust]

I do feel a little empty without the idealised version of love in my life but it is allowing me to focus on my wife. She is largely absent from our r/s as she pursues her own interests and we continue to sleep in separate rooms. I have suggested that we buy a new bed as this was the reason she gave for taking refuge in the spare room, but it does feel as if our r/s is really just a friendship.

I admire what you are doing. It's hard to stick to a change like this.

Do you want to repair your relationship with your wife? I'm not being judgmental -- there's no right answer here, but you deserve to give yourself a clear answer. I see that you "suggested we buy a new bed," and that's about it. If you really want to work on this, wouldn't you be more aggressive in taking steps -- get the damned bed, schedule more together time, do some wooing, even go into marriage counseling or read a book together like "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" -- which I highly recommend, by the way.

So ... .from here on the outside, it looks like you made a pretty perfunctory step toward repairing the marriage, then just dropped it. What do you want to do?

[Skip]

I admire what you are doing. It's hard to stick to a change like this.

Me too.

[RomanticFool]

Skip and flourdust,

RM, you keep thinking its her. Think about how you would be if your were in a relationship where your partner was emotionally unavailable for 14 years. She built a life inside your marriage largely without you because she had no choice. It will take a lot of work on your part to rekindle this fire.

I don't think it's her. I think it's both of us. I think the way our marriage has played out suits her own personality. Otherwise she would have complained. She is not a timid woman. However, there is truth in what you are saying on one level which is that my work takes me away for long periods of time. So I think due to physical distance and also so she doesn't feel like she is in my shadow, she developed an interest in quite an extreme pursuit. That is now becoming her life. Also, my wife is wired a little bit differently to me (though I think we both share some form of co-dependency) but she is used to doing things alone and is brave about it. She has become very outgoing and confident, which has developed since we have been together. I honestly don't think she feels there is anything wrong with our marriage. I even said to her the other day I thought it was messed up that we have been sleeping in separate rooms and she flippantly replied: 'Then we are messed up.' I think the real problem is that there wasn't much passion there in the first place and so there isn't anything to rekindle. We haven't slept together for 8 years of a 10 year r/s.

Just to clarify, I have been married to my wife for 6 years. We have been together for 10 years. I have known the affair partner for 14 years.

As for the empty feeling, I would expect that. You just reduced your "harem" by one. You have to grieve that and heal from the lost - it s huge loss - you have had her in your life since your early thirties

Actually, the ex has been in my life since I was 40. I'm 54 now. I miss the passion I felt for her. The sense that I am with somebody beautiful who desires me. Having said that, I don't think she ever desired me. She was using sex to keep the attachment. There has been no sense of passion or empathy coming from the ex, meeting was always about her getting away for a day or weekend and doing the things she wanted. I now really feel that I could have been anybody. She knows very little of me as a person. Though she has always taken an interest in my life, I always feel it is to keep tabs rather than out of love or desire. Now that I understand the need for a pwBPD to want to keep the attachment, I can no longer kid myself that it is about love.

Here is a grief map: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=37613.msg347360#msg347360 Where are you?  It seems like you have passed through denial and are at the late stage of bargaining... .you think?

I've been through all of the stages at different times. I actually think I'm at the acceptance stage. I know this woman can never love me. I am mainly ok with that. At least there haven't been suicide threats for a short while. I am happy about that. I no longer want to prod the hornets nest. I have you to thank for that because before this I would have taken my emptiness out on her. Now I understand her personality and mental health issues, I just want to leave her be.

I admire what you are doing. It's hard to stick to a change like this.

Thank you both. It has not been easy. I was going to characterise my feelings for the ex as sex and love addiction but if she was capable of feeling the same, there may have been the possibility of a real r/s somewhere down the road - though with all the focus on her mental health, I always overlook the fact that she is married with 3 kids. So the reality is a r/s was never really on the table, regardless of her pathology (or mine). Let's just say that my co-dependency over this woman has taken me to rock bottom. I won't be going back there. Therefore, the only choice I have is to move forward.

Do you want to repair your relationship with your wife? I'm not being judgmental -- there's no right answer here, but you deserve to give yourself a clear answer.

That is the fifty thousand dollar question. The honest answer is yes and no. I don't think we can salvage any kind of sex life but I'm hoping I'm wrong. As a person whom I love, I couldn't imagine being without her. We have shared so much together. We are playful with each other and she is a person of great integrity, unlike me. I aspire to be like her. That doesn't mean we should be together though - does it?

If you really want to work on this, wouldn't you be more aggressive in taking steps -- get the damned bed, schedule more together time, do some wooing, even go into marriage counseling or read a book together like "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" -- which I highly recommend, by the way. So ... .from here on the outside, it looks like you made a pretty perfunctory step toward repairing the marriage, then just dropped it. What do you want to do?

I thought exactly this today. However, it isn't as simple as getting the bed. Taking the old one apart (wrought iron) is going to be a major deal as I don't have the correct tools. We live on the third floor of an apartment block and we need to find time in our busy schedules to de-clutter the bedroom and go shopping for a bed. A number of those things are stopping us putting it all together.  I have discussed the bed situation endlessly with her. I cannot do it all alone. If she isn't interested enough to go with me then I kind of think 'what's the point?' It isn't just my issue. It takes two to tango as they say. So it isn't just me dragging my feet. I kind of feel if it doesn't happen naturally then maybe it shouldn't happen at all.

I will read that book. It sounds very interesting.

[flourdust]

Yes, definitely read the Gottman book. The author is a psychologist who runs a marriage research lab. Based studying thousands of couples who came into his lab over many years, he's constructed scientific principles for what makes an effective marriage. Even if it doesn't help you, it's a fascinating read!

On the matter of the bed... .just to illustrate a point, and then I'll drop it. If I was in your shoes, and I thought getting that bed was the key to rekindling the marriage, none of those obstacles would get in the way. I'd clean out the room myself, pick a bed, run it by my wife to make sure she doesn't hate it, then buy it and hire installers to assemble it, and disassemble and remove the old one. Not hard at all.

But ... .put a pin in that, because I think you've highlighted the key issue. Your relationship has been sexless for 8 years, and you've only been married for six! Why is that? Why did the sex stop, and why did you get married after two years of a sexless relationship? If you want to resume that relationship, you need to figure out why it ended.

[RomanticFool]

Yes, definitely read the Gottman book. The author is a psychologist who runs a marriage research lab. Based studying thousands of couples who came into his lab over many years, he's constructed scientific principles for what makes an effective marriage. Even if it doesn't help you, it's a fascinating read!

I'll take a look.

On the matter of the bed... .just to illustrate a point, and then I'll drop it. If I was in your shoes, and I thought getting that bed was the key to rekindling the marriage, none of those obstacles would get in the way. I'd clean out the room myself, pick a bed, run it by my wife to make sure she doesn't hate it, then buy it and hire installers to assemble it, and disassemble and remove the old one. Not hard at all.

I'm not sure it is the key to saving the marriage. I feel resentful that I have to do all the work by myself and she seems unbothered by it. I need to spend an entire weekend de-cluttering before I even think about trying to get the bed out. It's not as easy as you have painted it. However, if we both worked on doing it we could sort it out but my wife seems indifferent and has many weekends booked up to do her extreme activities.

But ... .put a pin in that, because I think you've highlighted the key issue. Your relationship has been sexless for 8 years, and you've only been married for six! Why is that? Why did the sex stop, and why did you get married after two years of a sexless relationship? If you want to resume that relationship, you need to figure out why it ended.

I have always known that not having sex is the issue. When we discussed getting married I told her that we already hadn't slept together for 2 years and we shouldn't get married before we sorted that out. She then pressed hard to get married and said we could sort our sex life out as the r/s progressed. Of course we never did. I felt uneasy about getting married with this backdrop and I should have vetoed the wedding. However, the marriage arrangements took on a life of their own and before we knew it we were walking down the aisle.

I met my ex in the knowledge that sex with my wife was not going to be rekindled. At no point during our marriage has the issue even been discussed other than to get a new bed, which is a euphemism for it. I am not condoning or excusing having an affair, but you need two willing people to make a sex life work and neither of us really seemed willing. My wife and I clearly got married for companionship. Then I met somebody I had a strong attraction to and here I am.

[flourdust]

Question ... .are you being evasive here? You just described your relationship history (again) but sidestepped all my questions. I didn't ask "what." I asked "why."

Why did the sex stop, and why did you get married after two years of a sexless relationship? If you want to resume that relationship, you need to figure out why it ended.

[RomanticFool]

Question ... .are you being evasive here? You just described your relationship history (again) but sidestepped all my questions. I didn't ask "what." I asked "why."

I don't really want to go into that in a public forum. Let's just say that we got out of the habit.

[Skip]

This is not a public forum, it's anonymous. We do that so that everyone can speak freely without worry for their ego, or reputation, or privacy.

If you can't say it here, what does that say? 

Its a fair question. Most everything hinges on the fact that you and your wife do not have sex. You hinted at some issues earlier.

If you truly want to rekindle you marriage, I would think you could be as open about that relationship as you are about your affair, where you laid it all out to be worked with.

[RomanticFool]

It says there are certain things I don't really want to go into, but if you push then I will say erectile dysfunction. I'm not going into laborious detail around it as I find it upsetting...