Feeling alone and sad

[Cereal mom]

BPD partner's ups and downs really taking a toll on me.
Trying to predict what will set him off but then he changes the rules and it seems there is nothing I can do to avoid him blame storming me or raging on me. I have kids and am realizing they watch me dodging bullets all day. No joy. No laughter.
I don't see us co-parenting so I'm trying to make things work. I'm tired and sad.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Hello Cereal mom, I'm so sorry you're feeling alone and sad.  It is no fun to be dodging those bullets with kids around.  This is a good place.  I'm glad you've found us.

Tell us a little bit about your relationship.  How long have you been together?  How long have you been aware of what BPD was?  How did you find out about it?

Wentworth

[Tattered Heart]

Hi cereal,

I'm sorry that you're hurting so much right now. The ups and downs are very difficult with someone with BPD, especially when you don't know where they are coming from. One thing though is that the hoops for you to jump through will always change. So stop jumping through hoops. Are you ready to do that?

[Frankee]

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling.  You've come to the right place.  I haven't been on here long and I already feel that I have learned a lot.  I didn't see us co-parenting either, so I made a choice to stay and learn more on coping and the disorder. 

How old are the children?  Are they to an age where they realize what's really going on with your partner or do they just know that he's angry and you are dodging the rages? 

If you find yourself in a place of feeling alone or like you have nobody to talk to, posting on here can help get out all those negative feelings and thoughts.  I find it therapeutic to post my thoughts and feelings.  It gives me a chance to get everything out that I'm feeling at that time, not keep it bottled up.  I also get positive feedback and helpful tips from other people going through the same thing.  It also gives me a chance to read back on my previous feelings and thoughts so I can reevaluate what was going on at that time.

If there's something that makes you laugh, whether it be watching silly cat videos,"fails" from people on youtube, or a good comedy... just spending a little time doing things that make you laugh can also give a little boost.  It doesn't have to be revolving around your partner and putting aside all the worries, even for a brief time can make a big difference. 

I know your topic is improving on ongoing relationship, but sometimes the improvement starts with self compassion and taking care of yourself.  I found that working on myself and taking care of myself have given me the strength I need to cope and learn the tools that have helped me.

[isilme]

Yes to all everyone else has said - post on here, it really does help.

You're not alone.  I know we are all just words on a screen, but there are people behind these words who have more than an inkling of what you may face.

You are allowed to give yourself permission to do things you enjoy, even if your H is in the pit of despair.  You are allowed to feel what you feel, even if his feelings don't match.  This is a BOG hurdle for a lot of us, as many of us are co-dependent, and feel a need for others around us to be happy before we can be happy.  But our loved ones have an emotional disability, which interferes with their abilities to be happy, or even rational.  So we can't hinge our own well being to their emotions. 

I hope you find a place where things can get better for you.  The tools and lessons really can help - start small, baby steps until new reactions feel natural.

[Frankee]

You are allowed to feel what you feel, even if his feelings don't match.  This is a BIG hurdle for a lot of us, as many of us are co-dependent, and feel a need for others around us to be happy before we can be happy.  But our loved ones have an emotional disability, which interferes with their abilities to be happy, or even rational.  So we can't hinge our own well being to their emotions. 

So true.  I have been that way most of my life.  Caregiver, always wanting to ensure others are happy.  Isilme is right though.  Trying so hard to please and make my pwBPD happy all the time was like a dog chasing its tail.  I thought if I could do better, if I could be better, more this or that... it would make everything better.  I can't though.  There are times where his moods are so unregulated, no matter if I gave him the moon, he would break it on my face and say it's my fault it's broken.  That is a very exaggerated statement, but that's how I felt.  I still try to make him happy, but I also accept the times that I just can't please him.

Even with that being said, still working on learning the tools, trying to communicate better, not JADE, and everything else are still very important.  It's just essential to remember as mentioned that we can't completely depend our emotional well being on a partner with emotional disability.