I communicated my values and boundaries

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was contacted by my ex tonight out of the blue. The last time we spoke was last 10 days ago where I told her that I can no longer be friends with her and said "goodbye". Below is the conversation we had via email:

HER: Can we try and work things out? Please call me when you get the chance

ME: What do you mean "work things out?"

HER: The same thing that you asked me last month if we can try this again if you still want to?

ME: All of a sudden? After falling out of love with me? Cheating on me with R?

Look, this is the best thing I could possibly say to you. I do NOT hate you, and in fact I still do have love for you as a person, but its safe to say that we as a couple are incompatible. We started too fast, we moved in too fast and we Married too fast without getting to know one another. Our relationship was extremely volatile, and without pointing fingers or placing blame, we just didn't work.  Right now, I am in the process of fixing myself, and I doing it for me. I have been thinking, writing, and researching, and reflecting about you, our life, and most importantly MY life.

And in my life right now I need not only no more drama, no more fighting, but I need no more relationships until I fix ME. My self esteem needs a boost and I need to love who I am again before I ever love someone else. I haven't loved myself for a long time, and I owe it to myself to improve. Regardless of what I said before, I really do think I need to work on myself now, and not worry about getting back together with you or anyone. I have to learn how to live alone, and love who i am again. I can leave the door open for a possible friendship in the near future but I need time away from you to make myself whole again.

I hope as a human being you understand this, and can respect my wishes

HER: I understand


I never stood up for myself like that before, and although I broke contact im proud that I told her not only "no", but in a very respectful way. I know she did this because she is doubting her and her new boyfriend are going to work out. I see that clearly, and proves to myself im on the right path to recovery

[Making sense]

I was contacted by my ex tonight out of the blue. The last time we spoke was last 10 days ago where I told her that I can no longer be friends with her and said "goodbye". Below is the conversation we had via email:

HER: Can we try and work things out? Please call me when you get the chance

ME: What do you mean "work things out?"

HER: The same thing that you asked me last month if we can try this again if you still want to?

ME: All of a sudden? After falling out of love with me? Cheating on me with R?

Look, this is the best thing I could possibly say to you. I do NOT hate you, and in fact I still do have love for you as a person, but its safe to say that we as a couple are incompatible. We started too fast, we moved in too fast and we Married too fast without getting to know one another. Our relationship was extremely volatile, and without pointing fingers or placing blame, we just didn't work.  Right now, I am in the process of fixing myself, and I doing it for me. I have been thinking, writing, and researching, and reflecting about you, our life, and most importantly MY life.

And in my life right now I need not only no more drama, no more fighting, but I need no more relationships until I fix ME. My self esteem needs a boost and I need to love who I am again before I ever love someone else. I haven't loved myself for a long time, and I owe it to myself to improve. Regardless of what I said before, I really do think I need to work on myself now, and not worry about getting back together with you or anyone. I have to learn how to live alone, and love who i am again. I can leave the door open for a possible friendship in the near future but I need time away from you to make myself whole again.

I hope as a human being you understand this, and can respect my wishes

HER: I understand


I never stood up for myself like that before, and although I broke contact im proud that I told her not only "no", but in a very respectful way. I know she did this because she is doubting her and her new boyfriend are going to work out. I see that clearly, and proves to myself im on the right path to recovery

[Lucky Jim]

Looks good, Making Sense.  I view your response as a healthy expression of your boundaries, without blaming anyone for your b/u.  You seem to be finding your path!

LuckyJim

[Skip]

It was very respectful and a clear value/boundary statement.

Good step. Much better to be honest and clear than to be passive aggressive (NC).

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I agree with LJ and Skip. I think you handled it wonderfully! Way to go!

[Harley Quinn]

Be proud of yourself for this    You've been very open and honest whilst remaining clear and respectful, which is a credit to you.  Just the response alone shows how effective this was too.  I think we all know how differently that conversation could have gone. 

Love and light x

[gotbushels]

[... .]
I hope as a human being you understand this, and can respect my wishes
[... .]
I never stood up for myself like that before, and although I broke contact im proud that I told her not only "no", but in a very respectful way.

I like that you're moving in a direction with you representing what you want.

Separate from you setting out what you want, I do think it's a good idea regardless of what's going on between her and her partner. You're looking at the broad view, you've come to an understanding of what works and what doesn't. It's primarily from that basis that you're taking the path that you're on. It doesn't seem like it's because of what's going on in her relationship life. I think that's a very good thing.

I know she did this because she is doubting her and her new boyfriend are going to work out. I see that clearly, and proves to myself im on the right path to recovery

I think this could develop into something stronger for you when you can see that you may not actually "know" what someone else is thinking. But regardless of that lack of "knowing"--in a situation with some doubt--you've gone ahead and done something good for yourself on this path. That's not merging, that's not excess dependence, that's a bit of risk taking--I think. I think these are great.

[heartandwhole]

Way to go, Making sense    You communicated your feelings and thoughts without blame or defense. That isn't easy.

Investing time and energy into your wellbeing benefits all your relationships and the people around you, too.

heartandwhole

[CloseToFreedom]

I just want to chime in and say that Im proud of you, well done!

However, and I mean this in the nicest way as in looking out for you, Ive been there before too. We get a sort of satisfaction by setting our boundaries which takes the pressure of the situation off a bit for us, and then we are more easily able to fall for the sweet words of the ex again.

Ive been recycled literally 18 or so times. Look out. Best way to do this is No Contact, at all. While I understand your need to tell her this and to answer her, it makes you more open for a possible recycle. So watch out for yourself! You dont want to go through the hurt again.