Our daughter has rejected us

[Tugboat]

We spent many years trying to understand what was wrong.
Our daughter was full of anger and misery, and left home at 16. She accuses us of destroying her life, and will not respond to our attempts to contact her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

What events precipitated she moving out? Did she emancipate herself,  or just left?

[Mutt]

Hi Tugboat, 



I'd like to join Turkish and welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can understand how confusing and stressing that would feel when you don't know what's wrong, I can relate with that. was she diagnosed?

[SurvivorMom]

I'm in the thick of this too... .

[SCM]

Sounds familiar.
My BPDD -age 37- has estranged herself from me and her brother for 4.5 years. I'm not allowed to see nor Skype with my grandchildren. She was diagnosed at age 17 and we've been putting up with the ravages of this disease since then.
I'm exhausted!

[Tugboat]

I haven't replied to your post because I had nothing to say about our daughter, and no way of thinking what could be done to approach her. Yesterday I sent her an email in the hope of gaining a response. I have been reading Bon Dobbs book When Hope is not Enough and tried, by using the tools he presents to make a sensitive, caring approach to her. Today I had a very long reply from her (which is something at least). It is full of accusations of how we (her parents) have ruined her life and her hopes that we are seeking forgiveness for all our cruelty and dismissal of her.
Just one paragraph reads:
You left the truth of who you are, who you once were and could've regained through your only child and at that, a daughter, as battered, numb and scarred as the wasteland you left within me. That is your tragedy. That is your responsibility and you will not regain anything through soft words and further manipulation.
Your job is that of a manipulator. The very values you purport to represent turn to ashes and hypocrisy in your mouth. This does not make you any different from the prevailing status quo, locally, nationally or globally. Look to your own soul. If you can feel anything but self pity through your decades of numbing and expediency.
Over the years she has written such hard and vociferous letters to her half sister and her father and written acusatory letters about us to others. She is very articulate, and I have always found her difficult to communicate with because words do not come easily to me.
I want to turn away from her, and hope that in the fullness of time she will soften and realise that we are just faulty human beings who tried our best and failed to help her to grow into the happy and fulfilled person she wants to be. But her father is old and ill. He doesn't have long to life and is desperate to have just a few kind words from her - a single loving meeting - in the time he has before he dies.
I don't know what to do.

[Turkish]

That's a lot of pain.  Basically persecuted by or cut off from the whole world. 

[Feeling Better]

Wow, my heart goes out to you. As an ostracised mother of uBPD son I understand what you are going through. My son also is very articulate and I used to get similar emails from him a few years ago but since a year ago he has gone n/c.

I wish with all my heart that I could give you answers, but I can't. I am myself trying to work out how and if I can reconnect with my son, but like you, I struggle to find the right words and I am so scared of using the wrong ones.
I can offer you support though, you are not alone.

Does she know how ill her father is?

My thoughts are with you at this very difficult time x