Having a baby with woman with BPD, need advice

[colinwilbs]

Hi, I was seeing a woman for a few months, things were going pretty well, she got pregnant and still for a month or two things were fine, then seemingly overnight she flipped, threw me out and since then more than 4 months of irrational behavior, verbal abuse, threats about being with my child (coming in 3 months) ... acting crazy and mean one day, and next day acting normal like nothing happened. No accountability for behavior.

I spoke to her sister just before she flipped and she warned me that she had some kind of personality disorder and was on meds some years ago, but had been off and managing it ok until the pregnancy... .but that her family was worried for me as she can be the nicest person in the world one day, and the meanest, cruelest the next.

The months of verbal abuse and threats have been very hard on me, I'm not reacting back, just telling her I don't want to deal with that behavior. I just want to get along and get to spend time with my child once born, without her irrational threats of keeping me away from our child.

[Turkish]

The hormone changes due to pregnancy likely exacerbate her BPD-like behaviors.  What kinds of threats is she saying to you?

I wouldn't bet on accountability.  However,  you would benefit from learning the communication tools on the Improving Board: Tools for communication, validation, and reinforcement of good behavior

Together or apart,  you'll be in some type of relationship with her because of your child, but good for you not reacting back.  The tools can help you hone such skills.  

What kind of medical care is she getting at this time? Proper care is crucial for mothers with mental health issues.  I realize that this is out of your control.  I'm wondering if you have a view on what's happening with her,  if she's taking care of herself and the baby.  

Turkish

[colinwilbs]

Thank you so much for responding. Her threats are centered around me being able to see my baby when it's born. She has basic control in the situation & she is abusing it. sigh

Not sure what kind of mental health care she is getting, few months ago she was in therapy. Her medical situation seems fine, she is getting that and seems healthy.

[Radcliff]

Colinwilbs,

You might want to post over on the Family Law board and ask about custody.  You may also want to consult a family law attorney in your area.  I am assuming you are not married, and I'm completely ignorant about the laws around parental rights and custody where you live.  But one thing I know for certain -- don't trust her views or threats on what time with the child you are entitled to.  You must get your own facts.  I would encourage you to figure out what you want, figure out what you're entitled to, and get it formally worked out before the baby is born if possible. 

Wentworth

[formflier]

Have you retained a lawyer?

The basics... .make preparations to "take her at her word" that she will follow through on her threats.

This means

1.  Lawyer
2.  Establish paternity
3.  Have lawyer protect your rights.

As soon as your rights are protected... .her threats loose lots of their power.

Please don't tell her about your preparations, until your lawyer says you have to.

She may be bluffing... .if so... .don't remind her of her threats.

Preparation is key...

FF