She's convinced I've cheated and plans to move out and divorce

[AllIn]

I'm presently working on ways to love my wife w/BPD unconditionally. It's been extremely difficult. In the nearly 7 years that we've been together, she's instigated hundreds of fights with me. Three times she's attacked me during our verbal arguments the last of which I decided that I had enough. I totally hated her and wanted her out of our home. This was a dark period for me and I hated the thought of her and I in the same place.

For about 2 weeks I needed and wanted to be totally disconnected from her. I even downloaded Tinder and was looking to hookup with someone. When after about a week someone contacted me I had a short dialog with this woman but when it came time to agree on a hookup I bailed. I realized I didn't want to do this. I wanted my wife. Several days passed and I was depressed and needed my wife whom I actually love very deeply. I texted her as she was leaving work that I needed a hug. When she arrived home we talked and I had a dying meltdown and said that I don't want to. E without her but that she needs help. She apologized to me and things looked promising especially since we made love to each other.

When she was distracted I deleted Tinder from my phone. A week or two later she saw on my iPad screen that the app had been updated. When she confronted me I made an error in judgement by telling her that it was just a curiosity. Well she was totally unforgiving and became adamant about moving out and getting a divorce. She's already told her family and friends about the move out and divorce.

Then we texted while she was away on a trip. She was convinced that there was more to my curiosity of Tinder so I confessed to her what occurred. Not only was she upset, she's totally convinced that I've had sex with a parade of women. She says that she isn't stupid and can see it in my eyes and the way I carry myself.

I believe that I can still have a productive future with her. She has made some changes especially since she was diagnosed and treated for breast cancer last year. She's still under hormone therapy and she's been under major stress for the past 2 years. She had an on the job injury that put her on workers comp and not working for about 21 months. About 2 months after the fall her father passed away in France and she couldn't go to him. When she begins her tirades there seemed to be no way to approach her. We spent many months, on and off, not speaking.

Anyway, I don't know what to do other than try to not pressure her. I know that whatever she does it's her choice and that I cannot control her. I can only control what I do and I'm taking my pride out of the equation and trying to be anger free. I've also wrote an apology letter to her about a month ago and I've totally forgiven her.

She has agreed in the recent past that she will seek therapy. I long for that. I'll even go with her if need be. I just want us to be happy.

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[Meili]

Let me welcome you here to the  bpdfamily, and wish for you as much help and support as I have received.  It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here, and this is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful.

What is the current status of your relationship? Has she actually taken any action toward filing for divorce, or just threatened it?

In addition to being patient, not trying to control, and keeping your anger in check, there are some other things that you can do that might help your situation. I'm sure that if you read the lessons and basic tools in the sidebar to the right of the page you'll gain some insight.

Please feel free to ask any questions that you may have and tell us how we can best support you.

[SandyBeach]

3 weeks ago, I was in the exact same place. 1 week later, she moved out and filed for divorce. I think it's finally over. My therapist thinks she's still in her rage phase and may swing back the other way. He said I need to figure out what I can and can't live with.

I'm presently working on ways to love my wife w/BPD unconditionally. It's been extremely difficult. In the nearly 7 years that we've been together, she's instigated hundreds of fights with me. Three times she's attacked me during our verbal arguments the last of which I decided that I had enough. I totally hated her and wanted her out of our home. This was a dark period for me and I hated the thought of her and I in the same place.

For about 2 weeks I needed and wanted to be totally disconnected from her. I even downloaded Tinder and was looking to hookup with someone. When after about a week someone contacted me I had a short dialog with this woman but when it came time to agree on a hookup I bailed. I realized I didn't want to do this. I wanted my wife. Several days passed and I was depressed and needed my wife whom I actually love very deeply. I texted her as she was leaving work that I needed a hug. When she arrived home we talked and I had a dying meltdown and said that I don't want to. E without her but that she needs help. She apologized to me and things looked promising especially since we made love to each other.

When she was distracted I deleted Tinder from my phone. A week or two later she saw on my iPad screen that the app had been updated. When she confronted me I made an error in judgement by telling her that it was just a curiosity. Well she was totally unforgiving and became adamant about moving out and getting a divorce. She's already told her family and friends about the move out and divorce.

Then we texted while she was away on a trip. She was convinced that there was more to my curiosity of Tinder so I confessed to her what occurred. Not only was she upset, she's totally convinced that I've had sex with a parade of women. She says that she isn't stupid and can see it in my eyes and the way I carry myself.

I believe that I can still have a productive future with her. She has made some changes especially since she was diagnosed and treated for breast cancer last year. She's still under hormone therapy and she's been under major stress for the past 2 years. She had an on the job injury that put her on workers comp and not working for about 21 months. About 2 months after the fall her father passed away in France and she couldn't go to him. When she begins her tirades there seemed to be no way to approach her. We spent many months, on and off, not speaking.

Anyway, I don't know what to do other than try to not pressure her. I know that whatever she does it's her choice and that I cannot control her. I can only control what I do and I'm taking my pride out of the equation and trying to be anger free. I've also wrote an apology letter to her about a month ago and I've totally forgiven her.

She has agreed in the recent past that she will seek therapy. I long for that. I'll even go with her if need be. I just want us to be happy.

[Hisaccount]

I went through this, kind of.

I would say the first thing is find a joint marriage counselor. Go. Get that process started.

You changed your story and that is not good for you but you can overcome it if she is willing.

My ex accused me of these things all the time and I never did any of them. During the worst arguments I would tell her I wish I had been with all of those women she accused me of being with.
Her response was something about don't ever say that unless you want me to kill myself. But she admitted that she didn't believe I did those things.
Then goes right back to accusing me tomorrow.

It was always all about her being the victim. Our entire relationship she accused me of being the bad guy and I wasn't. We went to counseling together. Even the therapist is why can't you trust him? She didn't know.
I still went through the steps recommended by the counselor. To try and build a relationship, fix the trust, but she never got on board.
It was stuck in her head I did something wrong.
The verbal abuse got so bad about that one topic I told her I was going to divorce her. That ended the abuse on that front, but it just shifted to something else she thought I was doing wrong.


Counseling will keep it in perspective. It is a 3rd party to show her that you are trying and to be able to tell her that hey, he is trying and she needs to do her part.
Without that you two are just accusing the other of not trying.