person has a manic hyper unpredictable anger problem

[Raymona]

Been with this person for 37 years, anger problem he admits to. Except now has morphed into a reoccurring accusation that  I lie. I apparently lie about buying the wrong bird seed, I lie about opening and not closing a toilet tissue dispenser and apparently I lie about unlocking the front door (the lock is touchy and unlocks itself). Of course I am not lying about these things, but the manic anger becomes "STOP LYING ... .JUST STOP LYING"... .

 when confronted with it, I say... "why would I lie about these things" and then get the response... "you lie about everything", I ask what it is I lie about and I get "I Dont know but you do, and you lie about these things that make no difference"...
this last time, once again, I have moved into the guest room and have had little conversation with him. I am hurt that I am continually hit with this every couple weeks. The last 4 years have been the most trying and I have discussed with him that this is probably over.
We have been trying to hold it together, but with these latest hits on me with the "You Lie" I have decided its probably the end. I cannot continually be bombarded with this.

His anger issues have always been the problem and now its really making me polarized. I cannot help but subconsciously think he is doing this to push me out. He knows how I feel. And this is just one more control. Just when I think we have patched things up, this is what happens.

There of course is a back story but this is the most recent in this episode.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Raymona,

Welcome to the family! I am very sorry to hear you struggling with such issues. False accusations can really sting, especially when repeated over and over. Have you tried any of the communication tools yet on the site?  

I'm still getting a handle on the tools myself, and when to use them... .it takes time, but dig around and watch videos and read up.

Have you read up on the lesson ":)on't be Invalidating"? https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating Or seen this discussion on how to use this tool: https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating ?

This is a discussion of not engaging in arguments: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=106107.0

Also, I think the general advice is to walk away when verbal abuse starts. You just let the person know you will come back later and can talk when they are calm.

I understand you feel frustrated. It is very hurtful. Do you think trying such tools could have an impact?

Take care!

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome ,

I'm sorry that things have been so difficult for you. Outlandish accusations can be so hard to understand. It can make you feel crazy trying to figure out how they came to their conclusions.

Why do you need to get him to believe you? You know your truth. You know that you did not do the things he is accusing you of so do you really need to try to convince him otherwise?

There is something more going on with his anger over these seemingly little issues. It could be he is feeling out of control. He could be worried about something or he could be feeling frustrated that he had to be inconvenienced. One thing that might help is to validate what his feeling, worry, concern, is over even addressing his accusations of lying. The hard part can be figuring out what he is REALLY upset about, not about what he is saying.

For instance about the door being unlocked, completely ignore the accusation and instead of asking him "Why would I do that?" You might say something like, "It's worrisome thinking someone could break into the house easily with the lock being unlatched. Does that worry you too?" Keep asking him and talking to him about what he is feeling because for someone with BPD feelings=facts. And you can't begin to talk about facts until after the feelings are dealt with. It's important that when he makes those accusations, that you Don't JADE . When you JADE it can cause pwBPD to feel like you are just making excuses or telling them that what they are saying doesn't matter. Does that make sense?