Jekyl and Hyde is exhausting and the eggshells are old

[Hemmingway]

That constant feeling of 'uneasy' or 'butterflies', waiting for the other foot to drop... .exhausting. The Jekyl/Hyde phenomena. The lack of empathy. Most days i feel like i'm living with a stranger. There's nothing 'there' to connect with... . 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[WildernessMan]

Been there. Still there. We have 3 kids. Makes it tough.

The best thing I've learned here is when someone told me "take care of yourself and be good to yourself". In other words dont torture yourself because of the other person's messed up thinking.

[wendydarling]

Hi there Hemmingway  

Welcome to bpdfamily I'm glad you've joined us for support.   It is exhausting as you say.    Are you referring to your partner - can you share with us a little more what's happening and how we can support you.

WDx

[Indiagirl]

Been there! Still am there actually. I am so tired of riding the emotional rollercoaster! Unfortunately the BPD in my life blames the roller coaster ride on me... .he's always either super happy or super bummed out about something I've done, haven't done, said, or haven't said.
I'm learning how to attemp to stop walking on eggshells. It doesn't matter anyway. There's always something to be upset about, even if it's completely fictional.

[WildernessMan]

Hi indiagirl - sounds like you're living my life. Nothing you do makes a BPD happy because their brain is stuck in unhappy-mode.

Do you feel numb yet? Every aspect of your home life just a blank slate? I'm there. Been there for years.

[Indiagirl]

Hey Wilderness Man- yes! I know exactly what you're talking about! When my husband is home (he travels a lot for work, thank God) I just feel numb. I think maybe I disassociate slightly? Who knows. I've been like this for so many years... .when he's gone I'm like a different person. I'm happy and active and it's so nice to know that nobody's going to be upset or offended or deeply wounded by me. I get to just be me and be happy! And every one around me is also happy! Or if they are upset about something, it's not me that they are blaming! Such a nice feeling. I can breathe! Then he comes home and I shut back down... .

[WildernessMan]

Well I think you and i are doing all we can to deal with it then. If they refuse to get help we're stuck here. Sad but the way it is.

Keep our cool and stay focused on our personal happiness best as possible.

BPD is an ugly distinction for sure.

[CottonClouds]

Do you hope to fix this person or do you like them the way they are? Looking into your own future, where do you see this person in your life? What will they be contributing?

I hope this helps in some way,   
~CottonClouds

[WildernessMan]

Cottonclouds - no future with this person. Until she gets serious help she will struggle the rest of her life. She refuses help.

I think looking deep inside yourself for what to do is correct. Only you can answer for you.

[Tattered Heart]

Well I think you and i are doing all we can to deal with it then. If they refuse to get help we're stuck here. Sad but the way it is.

Keep our cool and stay focused on our personal happiness best as possible.

BPD is an ugly distinction for sure.

It may seem like we are stuck, but we are not. There are many things we can begin doing for ourselves to get out of the rut. One of the most important things is to see that we (us nons) have also contributed to the problems in our relationship. Yes, they have a mental illness, but we walk on egg shells, we avoid talking about issues, we are co-dependent, we act like victims, and we often try to control others with our own dysfunctional behavior such as manipulating, crying, silent treatment, punishing, etc. We can stop being stuck when we start working on those issues in ourselves. Have you started to work on any of the communication skills or techniques?

Hi Hemmingway,

Welcome ,

I'm sorry that you've been struggling so much in your relationship. How can we try to help you best today? Can you share a little more about what is going on?

[polaris9]

It may seem like we are stuck, but we are not. There are many things we can begin doing for ourselves to get out of the rut. One of the most important things is to see that we (us nons) have also contributed to the problems in our relationship. Yes, they have a mental illness, but we walk on egg shells, we avoid talking about issues, we are co-dependent, we act like victims, and we often try to control others with our own dysfunctional behavior such as manipulating, crying, silent treatment, punishing, etc. We can stop being stuck when we start working on those issues in ourselves. Have you started to work on any of the communication skills or techniques?

I am new here but... .

I don't think it is fair to be placing too much of the burden on the non.  Many of us are making heroic efforts to try to help a pwBPD and I agree that we should work on communication skills, etc, but many of us are making huge sacrifices for loved ones and to keep our families together.  I believe that for the most part we are the victims here (that was a separate thread from a week or so ago) or at least the aggrieved party, so we shouldn't be made to feel that it is in any way our fault.  Just my $0.02!

[Trixie Norton]

As I said in my first post - I googled "Jekyl and Hyde" - then I saw this BPD dx - the answer I've been searching for! (See first post for details.)
So now that he (my 80 yr old brother) is back in my (our) lives and we were able to persuade him to move out of his vile hole of an apartment to a nice up scale senior residence - is he happy?  Nope
We got him to throw out some of his filthier possessions and pop for some new ones (kitchen stuff, new tv, etc) and he is getting two of his meals daily in the dining room - would he stop complaining so much?  NOPE!
His worst current problem is he is addicted to pain killers - has had spinal stenosis - had surgery 2 months ago - still needs all the pain meds (!) and tells anyone and everyone - even strangers - the surgery was a failure. 
Of course the fact that he is walking straight up and often forgets to walk with his rollator - an item he was all hunched over on a few months ago as he - really- did have a lot of pain but now he says the pain is "different and much much worse". (afraid the docs will cut off  his pain meds?)
We went with him to his MD yesterday, who wants to cut him off his beloved 3 daily Tramadols, and so much DRAMA about the incredible pain he has - all to guilt trip the doc into filling the RX - which he did - against his better wishes  Now Jay is getting them from two doctors!  He's always terrified of running out.
Anyway he was in his worst Mr Hyde mood during the whole trip to the doctor - didn't even say thanks that we once again - interrupted our lives for half a day to pick him up, take him there, go in with him, drive him home, etc.
But what drives me nuts is that you talk to him at 10 AM and he is so nice and sweet and 10 minutes later he is so critical and negative and wants to start a fight over anything - totally "egg shells" as you say.  Makes me so anxious.
Thank God in heaven I don't have to see or talk to him very often. 
I'm a wreck for just being around him for a few hours.  He was so nasty and sarcastic while in with the doctor.  I tried to get a word in edgewise that he needed a new mattress to replace his 40 year old one with the wiggly box spring (!) and he cut me off saying that he was there to hear the doctor - not me!  So humiliating. 
We couldn't wait to drop him off back home - fighting all the way.
Sigh... .so I learned my lesson.  I can see now  - he is never going to change, I'm wasting my time trying to encourage him to be nice to people, not be so critical, try to make friends, etc. 
He just throws it all back in my face - says I'm criticizing HIM!. 
From now on I'm not going to argue with anything he says.  I've read that is the best thing to do - just go along and ignore his inflammatory comments.

[Frankee]

I find it helpful to see the different perspectives people have on relationships.  I was wondering the background on the non partner's with BPD.  Just a general question.  What made them this way?  Was it abuse as a child, partners with disorders rubbing off on their children, was it just emotional neglect?  I sometimes find that the backstory of the pwBPD helps gets a better understanding of why they are the way they are.  I'm considered mentally healthy.  I had a good childhood, pretty normal.  I did however get involved with an ex that was a horrible human being.  Now serving jail time for a perverse crime.  He didn't have BPD though.  He was a narcissistic sociopath.  Not diagnosed, but he has all the extreme traits.  I know some people would say that I'm angry or bitter and just saying that because he's an ex.  I won't go into the details here on that relationship.  I only say that with a clear mind and hardly even think of the person anymore.

Imagine my self hate when I found out I got baited into another relationship that turned out to be something it wasn't.  I felt that way when my BPH was at him extreme low a couple years back.  I've been battling with everything associated with BPD like all of us on here.  There are days where I wish he would just leave like he keeps threatening to or daydream about my life without him and how wonderful it could possibly be.  Then there are days where I look at him and feel things that I've never felt with anybody else.  He could just be sitting there watching TV and I think how much I love this person. 

The last couple times he did slip off the edge and said some pretty mean things, the comeback time where he apologized and said he's trying to do better has gotten shorter.  He use to NEVER apologize or if he did, it was once in a blue moon.  I know some will same that the apology is hollow or only how they are feeling at that particular time and it could change.  Isn't that like a lot of us though?  How often do we apologize or try to make amends, even when it's not genuine and doing it just because we know that we hurt the other person?  Thinking that we are right, they are wrong, but trying to be the "bigger" person and be the first to reach out.  When we blow up about something that is because of built up stress and not what actually happened?  Our pwBPD only lack the ability to process these emotions in a healthy way. 

I don't want others thinking I'm making excuses or saying what they do is acceptable, but aren't we all here to find a ways to better deal with the BPD's in our lives or ones that have exited and keep coming back.

[Trixie Norton]

It hurts to say it but our parents never should have gotten married. 
Very unhappy, dad was a drinker, mom (and all of us) prayed all the time that he would stop.  During the few dinners we all sat down all together we would cry and beg him to stop drinking and take "the pledge" (Catholic vow to quit drinking) and he would promise he would but he just couldn't do it. 
Jay, in many ways had the worst of it as he was always so sensitive and small in appearance while the older boys were more athletic - and used to "torture" him as the boys carried on in our neighborhood would do to their younger siblings.  It was considered very normal in the '50's to carry on like this.
He and my mom were very close - she used him (didn't know any better) as her little sounding board.  One time dad said he was going to kill himself and she sent Jay to run after him and beg him not to.  Imagine that conversation - he was only six!
Our parents were immigrants and didn't graduate from even grammar school.  Both were, individually, good people - just shouldn't have gotten married.