Hi to the Community - grown daughter with BPD

[Sunset0000]

Hi everyone.  I am a woman with a daughter who is 31.  She was referred to as BPD when she was 11 or 12.  She and all of us had a very difficult time for several years.  She then, as a sophomore in high school appeared to be coping much better.  The traits were there, but she was functioning well.  She went to college, graduated and became an elementary school teacher.  She thrived.  Always had unconventional friendships, sexual promiscuity, black and white thinking and the ability to manipulate those around her to do her bidding.  But she was better. She was adored by the children, their parents, the other teachers, and the administration. She was a superstar. She ended up changing her job to become a teacher's instructional coach.  Over the past year she, who has lived with me for the past 2 and a half years, has seemed to regress into BPD behaviors.  This summer she was told she has a genetic disease called Ehlers Danlos which causes her pain in various parts of her body... .all the time. She has to be tested to see which kind she has and that happens S at the end of the month. She is on leave from her job planning not to go back, thinking her life will be shortened and she will never have children.  I don't know yet if she has the kind that will cause these things and neither does she.  But, she demands my complete attention and is acting like she did at 13.she now expects me to mother her at 31 in the same manner as when she was 10.  The memories are back, the sadness is back, the feelings of helplessness are back. Her telling me at once I am awesome and then the same day that I am selfish and only care about my dying patients.  (I am a hospice nurse now)   I love her so much. I hope to find some arms to lift me up and offer my arms to others.
 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Oh Sunset so much sadness and worry, please find a warm welcome here.  We are all on a journey and I hope your daughter finds a way to handle hers more gracefully.  Do you have support from friends?  Please take care of yourself, take breaks and find strength to be able to continue on.

In the last 20 years maybe some new techniques have been developed, I think that some of the DBT techniques are a little bit new.  Maybe learning from the links here, and from books and videos like Marsha Lineham's will give you some hope, that things can change.

You sound like you are putting everything you have into handling things the best way you can.  Hope we can all support each other here and keep moving forward.  Sometimes it helps me even though I'm not an expert to read and answer others' stories, as it helps me have perspective and know I'm not alone.  It helps a lot to be part of a community, I think.

 

[livednlearned]

Hi Sunset,

Welcome and hello  I'm glad you found the site, and sorry for the sadness and pain that brings you here.

I imagine your D31 is grieving her new condition and the uncertainty about the tests is intensifying any anxiety she may feel. Not to mention that moving back home with a parent can cause a child to regress, just that adjustment alone. We have an independent, lovely SD23 living with us while she goes to graduate school (her mom is BPD), and it was quite a tailspin to watch her regress to middle school behaviors. And she's not even BPD.

When your daughter feels despair, how do you respond?

Maybe we can share with you some of the (non intuitive) communication skills that can help prevent things from getting worse.

You're not alone, Sunset. And I agree with incadove that there are new evidence-based skills that can be applied to our loved ones and their distress.

First we have to make sure we take care of ourselves so we have the emotional strength to support our loved ones. 

LnL