At wits end

[Intrigue55]

My first post. I've been with my BPD partner for a year and a half. Left a 33 year marriage to be with her. Things were perfect! Then I moved in, blending the family became difficult and the disorder symptoms began to appear. At first, completely puzzling behaviour that had me questioning my own sanity. She is very high functioning but argument is based on things I can't see. Long story short, middle daughter moves out to live with dad (ex) and things spiral. She is now heavily depressed, angry, deluded and I am the target. I try to not engage but she is like a pit bull, egging me on until eventually, unfortunately, I lose control of my anger and it really goes out of control. Constant fighting, no matter how careful I am with what I say. That's what really bugs me now. The other night she was ranting about her daughter that moved out and she just stays there in it, getting angrier. My mistake was to offer that she can't predict the future and that she should try and let it go, take your power back. Later on, now blind with rage, she suggests that when I notice her "ramping up" I should just shut up and keep my opinions to myself. Should I accept that. My gut said, who the f&&ok do you think you are to tell me that. I want to be anywhere else other than with her but I still love her and hope that we can somehow recapture the magic of when we started. Thanks of letting me share

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, Intrigue55.

Thanks for sharing a little bit about your situation. I'm glad you are here.

I hear how angry and irritated you are about your partner egging you on and telling you to shut up. That reminds me a lot of my BPD mother's behavior. She would pick little fights about things she knew would bother me, I would be polite as long as I could, and then when I exploded she'd tell me what a cruel, terrible, daughter I am and go crying to her room. I don't think she had conscious awareness of this, but when I realized the pattern as an adult, I was able to step back and stop engaging when she tried pushing my buttons. I decided that if she needs to feel ashamed and abused, she can do that without my participation as the "bad guy."

I hear you say you love your partner but don't want to be around her right now. I definitely understand that. I don't know if the "magic" can come back, but I do believe things have the potential to improve, even when only one partner makes changes. There are a number of tools available here that can help you find center and improve communication with your partner. Here are some that have been helpful to me:
Communication Skills--Don't Be Invalidating
US: Don't pick it up.
There are a lot more in the LESSONS thread at the top of this board. I see a few I'd like to re-read now that I'm working on my marriage. I know I've made things worse at times by giving advice when my husband wanted validation.

What would you say are the main things you need right now?  What kinds of things do you do to take care of yourself when things get heated at home?

P.F.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Intrigue55,

Welcome Sorry that things have been so strained in your relationship. Big changes in family dynamics and stress will frequently cause our pwBPD to dysregulate.

In my experience, not saying anything never helps. Your partner is wanting to know that she is being heard. She is hurting. She feels rejected by her daughter. She feels betrayed by her ex who she went to leave with.

Looking at your scenario, she perceived your words as being insensitive to her. This could be considered invalidating to her. Your words were trying to "fix" her. She wants to be heard not fixed. Validating her hurt could go a long way.

[Intrigue55]

Thank you so much for your response and it helps a lot. I hear you say validate and I have heard that from my partner. I have an impossible time validating things when I know that they are wrong. In my recovery program that is called consigning ones bull___ and I consider that to be a disservice. Do I need to get past that? How do I validate something that is wrong? I have trouble there
Martin

[P.F.Change]

Hi, Intrigue55,

That is a great question. When we talk about validation, we want to focus on the things we can agree with or things that can't be "wrong." For instance, a feeling can't be right or wrong. If my child is angry at a friend, I can validate that I recognize what she is feeling, regardless of whether I'd take her side in an argument. If my husband is scared that I will leave him, I can validate that he is experiencing fear. What I don't have to do is validate the invalid; which is to say, I don't need to lie or go against my own values or reinforce harmful behaviors or faulty thinking. I don't have to say he's right to feel I am going to leave him. Just that I hear him saying he's scared. Sometimes just repeating back the feeling is enough validation.

In your case, you offered unsolicited advice and told her to "let it go." That's an invalidating response. A validating response would be, "I see that you are angry," or "I hear how upsetting it is to you that your daughter moved out" or "You have a right to feel this way." Those responses show you recognize what she is feeling and that she is allowed to have those feelings. It doesn't mean you like her feelings or that you agree with her reasoning in the situation, just that you see and support her. Does that make sense? Have you gotten a chance to look at the links or any of our other workshops about this skill? I'd be interested to hear what might have come up since last week.