Dealing with Alcoholism

[Mazie]

8 months ago I realised my husband was not just someone who liked to drink but a fullblown alcoholic. I found so many empty bottles, cans, wine casks that I don't understand how he even survived it given the medication he takes.

I spoke with our GP about what I should do and with the help of the GP, therapists and drug and alcohol rehab people we (Myself and my teenage son & adult daughter) said we would support him but this would be the last time. He had a set of conditions that he, his family and his many therapists were made aware of. One of which was if he fell off the wagon he would have to leave.

I just found several empty cans in the backyard that still smelled of alcohol and when I asked him about it, he admitted it but then said he didn't want to talk about it.

It isn't so easy to just get angry and throw him out even though I want to for breaking my trust again and being so so good at being sneaky. I rack my brain thinking when he could of done it.

The biggest problem is he is so likeable. When it all came to light, friends & family had trouble believing it was true. It's like he's 2 different people and it's very confusing. It is extremely upsetting to my son who doesn't want his father to leave but doesn't like his behaviour either even though it has improved dramatically over the past 2.5 years after he was diagnosed and started medication and therapy.

 I know if I let it slide, he'll just take that as I can do it again and again with no consequences. I think my children and I deserve to not be constantly subjected to his behaviours. I am also keenly aware that if I push too much his fear of abandonment may be triggered and who knows what could happen then.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

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[JoeBPD81]

Hi, Mazie,


It is a really difficult situation what you have there. Do you reward that he is behaving better, or do you enforce the consecuences of his betrayal of your trust? It's never easy.

If you feel your son is in danger, or he needs protection, even just emotionally, your duty is to him. Your priority should be that he knows that protectim him is the most important thing. He is old enough to be part of the process, so this can be achieved just talking to him and making sure he knows he matters. Does your daughter also live with you? Another deal breaker is if he turns abusive when he drunks or any other ocassion. I hope it's not the case.

I'll let someone with experience on this to advise you. In the meantime, we are here to listen.

[Mazie]

Actually my daughter does live with us and has a high needs physical disability.

Unfortunately my husband was always happier, interactive and pleasant when drinking. The problem was he was killing himself not being potentially abusive except of course financially as he does not contribute to family expenses.

[JoeBPD81]

I'm sorry to hear that, you have a lot on your plate. Have you talked, what is his version of the problem?

[Panda39]

Hi Mazie,

Follow through on the plan you came up with, with the GP, Therapist and Rehab Folks.  :)on't wait, don't make excuses for him, don't normalize this, you all created a plan/boundary now stick to it... .you are sounding like I once did... .co-dependent.

There have to be boundaries to protect you, your family and him from himself and with those boundaries there have to be consequences.  Without consequences he will just continue to drink. He is not changing anything so you need to, don't do what you've always done because if you do so will he.

I'm on these boards because of my SO's uBPDxw, but I was married to an alcoholic for 20 years.

I finally left him.  In 2009 he lost his wife, was an EOW dad to his son, he lost his house (we had to sell), In 2010 he had his 3rd DUI, lost his retirement savings to pay for attorney fees, had his license suspended, went to work smelling of alcohol, and lost his job.  In a few short months without my codependency, my trying to manage his drinking and his loneliness... .he did what he wanted unencumbered, he drank as much as he wanted when he wanted to and then he reached his natural conclusion, he hit his rock bottom.  Up until then there were no consequences other than my displeasure, my disappointment and my anger and they were not enough to motivate him to stop. Even having 2 previous DUIs didn't stop him.

It took losing everything for him to finally admit and understand that he was an alcoholic and to do something about it.

He has been sober over 5 years now.

You have a plan, act on it.

Panda39

[Wanda]

My husband is a recovered alcoholic of over 30 years.
 Have you thought or do you go to alonon they can help you and you can learn about the alcoholism. then just maybe he will follow by going to AA . i always said somethings you can learn there can be applied here with BPD those boundaries learning to communicate skills .
Alanon is a great program.