Walking on eggshells

[eggshellfiancee]

Hi everyone,

I've been engaged and living with my partner for the last year. Prior to this we were in a very rushed relationship after several years of friendship. 90% of the time he is wonderful. Completely wonderful.

I've been reading on BPD and i think it describes him to a T.  He idealises me most of the time, to a point that I've had to tell him I can't possibly live up to the pedistal he's set me on. When I do falter, I'm "the worst thing thats every happened to him." he becomes emotionally abusive (but becuse he was abused as a child on an even worse level he wont admit that he's being abusive because it isn't the same). He has locked me out of the aprtment overnight, he's thrown away my belongings, etc. This morning he went through my appliances and threw them out because he said we didnt have room, and then got mad at me for being upset about it because "I value things over him." Ineviatably, tomorrow he will feel bad about it and do everything he can to make up for it. This is the cycle.

One day hes doting on how I'm the best thing in his life. The next day the slightest misstep and everything falls apart. This fight came after I put some dinner in our new crockpot someone had gifted us, and I was so proud of it I told him all about it when he woke up thinking he'd be excited for the delicious dinner I made for him. Instead, he went off baout how there was no room for the crock pot and decided to then start throwing out all of the appliances we "didnt have room for" (we live in a small apartment). Previously, he'd asked me to downsize my clothes, which I've done, but as someone who spends more time in the kitchen than he does I never thought we had a problem with the amount of things we had. HE profusely thanks me for making dinner for him and for being so good to him in this way, but then things like this happen.

I'm completely distraught. I constantly feel like I'm walking on eggshells. He knows he has a problem and I've suggested to him before that he look into BPD, but so far he hasn't done it. He keeps saying he's going to get a psychiatrist but has not done so. He does see a therapist.

I guess i just need a place to vent more than anything, but does anyone have any suggestions on how to get him to go see someone? Or how to avoid the tirades?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi eggshellfiancee,

Welcome to the family! Thank you for posting and sharing your story. Many members share your experiences. You say he does see a therapist currently? Do you know what kind of therapy he is getting? Personally, I would not want my partner with BPD traits to see a therapist by himself because I think it would stir up his emotions more than it would help him settle them if he was just seeing a regular therapist.  I think the stirring up of emotions would confuse him and make him feel worse rather than feel better, but that is just me!  Perhaps your partner has various issues to talk over and a skilled therapist who understands his needs? I can't say.

In the meantime I think that the Lessons here can be of assistance to you. (They are along the right hand side of this page.) In my case it took throwing out all my past expectations about relationships and starting with a fresh approach. I realized a lot of the things I was doing were actually making things worse. (He's act badly and I'd want him away from me, he would feel rejected and just act worse.)

Now that I use some of the most Basic Tools here I can see a difference. Just learning how to not throw any fuel on another person's fire helps... .and just having some understanding of how the person with BPD has very heightened emotions can help you find some relief. For me just understanding that this was about his heightened emotions (which were very confusing for me to comprehend!) and that if I responded better to them I could make a difference I saw good results.

I also think the lesson on ":)on't be Invalidating" can help you train yourself to respond to the emotions you are hearing rather than get caught up in the details of their tirades.

Wishing you peace!  

[Tattered Heart]

Hi eggshellfiance,

Welcome ,

Sorry that you've had so many difficulties in your relationship lately. The ups and downs of a BPD relationship can just leave you feeling worn out and confused. You've found a great place for support.

I'd like to second what pearlsw said in regards to checking out the lessons. To get you started here is one on The Dos and Don'ts of a BPD Relationship .

As for getting your pwBPD into treatment there really is nothing you can do that will make them go. You can suggest treatment but over time they may begin to think you are viewing them more as a project to be fixed than as a partner. I personally do not mention BPD to my H and I only mention treatment when he begins to spiral out of control and can see that he needs help. He hates it when I psychoanalyze him.