Not Ready to Lose My 37 Year Marriage

[Jerapais]

First, I am new to this and think it's awesome to have such a support group! Wonderful.

Second, I have been married to what i think is someone with BPD for 37 years.  I have only come to this conclusion after having therapy the past few years, describing her behavior to my therapist, and reading a ton of books and websites.  While it is not the extreme category of hurting oneself physically, the rest of the symptoms are clearly there.

For all those years, i thought i was at fault alot of the time.  I am feeling the situation is surreal after all these years, but the bottom line is she can be psychologically and emotionally abusive and has done so to a few of our kids. (i believe my mother was BPD as well).  Her outbursts happen every month or so, but the criticisms and devaluing is constant.

I'm 60 years old, the kids are mostly gone, one in college, and i'm seriously considering leaving.  I have presented her with BPD books talked about it some with her, but to my knowledge she hasn't done much but there are slight glimpses of "hey maybe I am" once in a while.  :)on't want to throw away a long marriage that was not always unhappy, but feel i owe it to myself to have a trusting, intimate emotionally fulfilling life. We own businesses together so there is alot of complication with that as well.  I'm through trying to talk with someone so abusive and as of late, we have barely talked at all for two weeks.  I'm really at the bitter end i'm afraid and having a hard time loving her.  I need help.  Thanks

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Things can get slow around here from time to time, but keep posting and I'm sure that others will join in and respond. I hope that you receive as much help and support from the people here as I have.

A long-term marriage would be hard to walk away from. I envy you for continuing to work to find ways to better the situation.

You mentioned that it is difficult trying to talk to someone that is abusive. We may be able to help with that. There are communication tools around here that people have found very helpful in communicating with their significant other. A few of the core tools are in the sidebar to the right of the page.

Let us know how we can best support you.

[AskingWhy]

Welcome, Jerapais!  I am glad you have not given up on trying to find answers.  I am so glad to hear you are also now in therapy.  This is sometimes the first step to opening your eyes.

pwBPD do not "present for interpretation," meaning they don't often go to therapy because they think nothing is wrong.  Often they think the problem is the nonBPD spouse.

BPD is also a spectral disorder.  That means symptoms can be mild or incapacitating.  One does not need the full-blown diagnostic criteria to be BPD.  The same for many personality disorders.  Some BPDs are severe and in and out of institutions. Some are very high functioning and hold high-level jobs.

Sometimes there is a life event that makes them start searching.  The death of a child or sibling, the loss of a job, the death of a parent, etc.  Usually they are aware on some level that "something is wrong" but are frankly too terrified with finding out what it is.  For instance, my uBPD/uNPD H lost his mother to a long illness who was the codependent in her marriage.  It was a huge blow to him as his father, uNPD, is the survivor.  uBPD H was grieving and angry and projected this onto me with demands and rages.  I suspect H was emotionally abused by his uNPD father from what I have observed in family interactions. I also suspect his children might be BPD or NPD, and his x W might be BPD.

I have been using some communication techniques I have found here and it has help with H volatile rages at me.  I have been able to diffuse many episodes of rage.

It's common for those raised by BPD or NPD parents to find spouses who are BPD or NPD.  You are not alone.  It's called a repetition compulsion and it's not your fault.  Often those of us become enablers or codependents without knowing why.

I have found, however, that most of the work in the marriage must come from the nonBPD partner.  Usually pwBPD don't have the perception of their behavior to see something is wrong and how to deal with it.

It is good, though, you are here to find answers.  Most of us are well aware of the pain and confusing of having an abusive and volatile spouse.

If you have not already done so, please watch this film.  I wish you the best.  Please join the conversations.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/Dr-Jekyll-and-Mr-Hyde

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hello and welcome, Jerapais!  I am sorry to hear that you are in this situation.  It is frustrating to be criticized for sure.

have been married to my husband for 37 years.  Although he doesn’t have a diagnosis (he won’t get therapy ) he has BPD traits.  It is a long and bumpy road.  Believe me, I understand.  We have a grown child and grandchildren. 

I have gained a lot of insight from reading the lessons and book recommendations you can find here.  In many ways, our relationship has improved because I understand what is going on, what is causing problems, and what may potentially be a problem.  I am still working on boundaries, that has been a tough one for me.

Like you, for many years I was perplexed and felt like I was causing problems.  I have found that I inadvertently added fuel to the fire.  I think I am better at not making things worse and that is the first thing to do. 

On my worst days, this forum has given me support.  I hope it helps you, too.

[Jerapais]

All, thanks for your replies so far!  Makes sanity out of fogginess.  Much of which i have already read about, but nonetheless, it helps to hear again.  I believe my mother was a BPD as well.  No nurturing to me or my siblings at all.  Codependency is certainly an issue here as well with me.

One of the most helpful remarks was the "degree" to which people have BPD or it's symptoms.  When i first showed my wife the I hate you don't leave me book, she said, "I'm not Adolf Hitler NOR do i ever think of suicide".  Well, that summed that up. 

Finally, i was not asking for someone to tell me to leave or not but received a warning message from the site about "running".  I apologize for that.  Was imply stating how i felt and what i was contemplating.  Fortunately, i am intelligent enough to know not to take action based on a post from a website from an unknown person.
Nonethless, THANKS to all!

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hello again,no worries.   the warning is to remind members to avoid advising people to either stay or go.  I think that most of us have been given advice from well meaning friends or family members to just leave or to just suck it up and stay. The warning is those of us who respond not to over  simplify the problem by giving stay or leave advice.


So again, it’s a general reminder, not personal.  We come here to discuss our relationships and talk about ways to improve our outlooks. 

So glad it has been helpful so far.

Have a great day,
Mustbeabetterway