New to this and need advice

[defogging]

Hi all, I'm recently figuring out that my wife is showing many BPD traits.  Our relationship has been a whirlwind the last few years, but some internet research on her patterns has led me here.  After reading a bit on this site I read Stop Walking on Eggshells, and WOW that described our relationship perfectly.  What an eye-opener.

A little background - We've been married eight years and have three great kids.  The relationship has followed the typical pattern.  It started out great, very close and I could do no wrong, and slowly over time I have been turned into the enemy no matter what I do.  I feel like I got suckered into helping her out with all her drama over the years, and after it just felt wrong I got sick of it and inadvertently set boundaries.  Surprise, surprise, I noticed a positive change in her behavior.  It used to be that no matter how hard I tried I was always blamed for things going wrong and had to help her out more, now after I've stopped rescuing her she is showing some more respect for me but things are still far from good.  After reading SWOE I figured out that I accidentally did something right with starting to tell her no.   

I'm probably going to have many questions over time, but first I'd like to ask for some ideas on how to deal with in-laws.  My in-laws are good people, I don't have any real problems with them.  However, what keeps happening in our relationship is my wife makes me the bad guy while at the same time her parents can do no wrong.  Seems like classic splitting to me, they are white and I am black. 

I have realized that wife and MIL have a co-dependent relationship where MIL never sets boundaries and solves problems for wife all the time, conversely my wife controls her a lot.  This creates a big problem when wife and I need to discuss marriage/family issues.  Typically, my wife only sees one solution to a problem (her idea no matter how unrealistic it is) and a normal conversation for us is her trying to badger me into going along with it, rather than weighing options and choosing one.  If I don't give in, she retreats to her parents and makes me out to be evil, including telling them I've done things that never happened.  It fits the smear/distortion campaigns outlined in SWOE.  I've had to sort out many issues behind the scenes with my FIL and explain my side of the story to him.  Thankfully he is open minded and has admitted to me that whenever my wife calls them he takes her story with a big grain of salt now.  The MIL on the other hand, we don't talk to each other much now as she seems solely focused on appeasing my wife.

It has left me in a tough situation.  My wife doesn't have many friends and wants to spend all our time with her parents.  I have recently stopped attending all family functions because of a mixture of feelings about it.  Anger at my wife for telling lies about me, frustration that my in-laws are involved with personal aspects of our marriage, and general confusion on everyone's parts because I don't know what's been said about me and they don't know what to think.  When I'm around them it feels like I need to be on good behavior and prove I'm not what they hear about me, but that's not the way life should be.  The biggest frustration is I think my in-laws need to set a boundary with her and tell her to work out issues with me and not involve them, but I am seeing that they won't do that.

What are some ways to deal with this?  I feel like I've tried everything and am so frustrated that I want to be in an adult marriage but it is nothing like that.

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[JoeBPD81]

Hi defogging,

It sounds like a very frustrating situation you're dealing with. Like most of us, I'm sure you've been going the extra mile, giving your fair share and then more, forgiving more than "the rest of the people" do... .And after all that, you get judged and labeled as "a bad guy". None of us are perfect, but we do our best and we are not bad guys. As you say, some lies are needed to justify the bad guy label.

Now she has an audience, she's not the only one with the story of the bad guy. Her mother listens to that. And you feel, rightly, that this is serious.

Does your MIL demands explanation, or attacks you in any way? She would have her own image of you. Some things she will believe, some won't. It is her job to support her "child", so she's not doing it wrong, and your wife seems to have some comfort out of it. Observe her, maybe after she paints a black picture of you, she's better, and then she's better to you too. If her mother wouldn't believe her, that would be very invalidating, and detrimental to your marriage.

It is frustrating and unfair... .But it's out of your control. Maybe one day you'll be able to do something about it, but in the mean time, you need to accept it is part of your life. Without the frustration and the other emotions this stirs on you, you'll be able to see a solution more clearly.

You are married, if this is BPD, to a person with a disability. To move forward, you gotta accept that. It means she won't be capable of doing some things. It won't be a 100% your image of an adult marriage. That doesn't mean that it won't be fulfilling and happy. But the more you focus on the things that can't be, the less you will enjoy the things that can.

People with BPD feel threatened by closeness. Her parents are safer for her, they are at a safe distance. It is not that they are better, or that she doesn't see their mistakes and yours are huge.

You just discovered this. Things are going to improve, but you have to be patient, and take a deep breath and a step back. Read on "radical acceptance".

You also need to accept that you ARE a good guy. You don't have to perform an act to show that. You just have to be yourself, and trust that they'll know you are.

[pearlsw]

Hi defogging,

Welcome to the family! I understand how hard it can be with in-laws. My husband tends to run to his family in times of crisis and leaves me out in the cold. Then he comes back home regretting he turned to them. Well, he's now made some of them "hate me" (he has said at times, who knows if that is true) and not want me around. I was a little disappointed at first, but now I am honestly not that bothered by it. I know the truth about our life, and how he behaves towards me in private, and so be it. Not being close to people who are lacking in understanding for my struggles is no loss for me, but that is just me.

Perhaps this workshop could be helpful for you: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

It is on what is called the Karpman Drama Triangle. I think a lot of members find it useful to study up on this topic. It explains about roles that people take on in relationships.

This defines it, might want to read this first: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Let us know what you think, does this fit your situation and give you another way to cope with it? Keep the questions coming! Maybe there is someone else here who has some insights into problems with in-laws of your BPD partner?

[Dragon72]

Hi defogging,

Great name by the way.

Wow.  That's a tough situation you're in.  You're living with a lot of stress in your life by the sounds of it.  And stress which is so unnecessary if everyone would just be open, honest and not aggressively defensive at the sign of perceived and imaginary threats.

I'm pretty much in exactly the same situation as you (except married with a kid with my uBPDw).  Don't think that I'm the one with the solutions; I feel almost as lost as you.  However, one thing I am realising through this whole learning process about BPD, is that us "non"s are an integral part of the problem.  You have realised this to some extent when you said that the counter-intuitive act of saying "no" (instead of appeasing her) has yielded results for you.  Ditto for me.

An extension of the very same idea that I am beginning to explore is the concept that giving too much of a cr4p what other people think has gotten me into this mess and it's not going to get me out of it.  I too am very upset about what the Mrs is (or might be) saying about me behind my back.  I am having to learn to just accept that as something out of my control (even if it is undeserved slander) and just be comfortable in my own skin with my own behavior which I know is reasonable, decent and honorable (even if not always perfect).

You can only control what YOU do. You just have to try not to worry about what others do.  Not easy and not a cure-all solution, I'm afraid, but it's my 2c.

[defogging]

Thank you all for your input, you made great points and I appreciate your thoughts.  I'll give my best reply here and add some additional detail.

JoeBPD81 - No, my MIL hasn't confronted me in any way about it, and I've never heard of her speaking ill of me either.  She is a sweet woman but unfortunately is very timid and I believe she is extremely afraid of upsetting her daughter.  She is the epitome of walking on eggshells.  My wife screams about something, MIL jumps up and helps her through the crisis, whether real or imagined.  She's "helping" her out, but in reality it doesn't help anyone.

Your advice on having to accept this is heard, and spot on.  Some additional background is I thought W was suffering from PPD since her behavior got noticeably worse right after child 3 was born.  I reached out to both of our families, her parents expressed concern about her behavior (which they had noticed too) and told me they would speak with her about it but failed to do so.  That's another part of my frustration with them, it's hard to view them as anything but weak right now.

We've been to 3 therapists and that has been a negative experience, as she had them wrapped around her finger and they were starting to look at me as the one suffering from anxiety and depression.  What I've realized is that no one sees what is truly happening but me.  W is definitely high functioning outside the house and not so at home.  She has a high level job, is highly respected in her field, always has a smile on when others are around, but me and the children suffer her wrath when at home.  Just take what I was saying in my previous post as venting.  I am coming to grips with the idea that this is a permanent issue and not PPD which I had been hoping would go away.

pearlsw - I had previously found the Karpman drama triangle and I agree this is what's happening.  W=victim, MIL=rescuer, I am the persecuter (at least in W's mind).  My dilemma is it's not an easy triangle to walk away from, W seems happy to hang out with her parents and the kids and leave me by myself.

Dragon72 (and pearlsw) - I agree with your advice on not caring what others think, it is something I need to work on.  I am lucky in that I have a good family on my side who know me well and will listen to me, hopefully you do as well.  I have also taken the step of counter-acting her attempts at isolating me.  Over the last few years we have gotten more and more ingrained with her parents and I now realize this was an isolation tactic.  I have started reconnecting with my friends and establishing my independence again.  Again, another thing I stumbled into before reading SWOE, it just felt right at the time.

I think what makes this so hard is our kids are very young and W uses them against me.  She is very possessive of time with them, if I want to do something with them it ends up in a big fight.  Luckily, my oldest is in school now and I think she is picking up on some abnormalities in mom's behavior as she is more exposed to other people.  With all her tactics, the kids being too young to have any independence, and no one seeing the truth of the situation it has been a very lonely time.  I'm trying to find a good balance between being a good dad/husband and taking care of myself.  I feel like I need to find ways to ignore the guilt trips I get for not helping her manage her own life but not shut her out completely.  My defensive side wants to shut her out and push her away, but I know that's counterproductive.  It's a frustrating feeling to know I always have to be the bigger person no matter how poorly she is behaving, and no matter what kind of day I've had.  It seems sometimes she needs me to listen and give her a hug, but how do I do that after being belittled, put down, lied about and yelled at?  It just goes against my instincts but I want to find ways to rise above my defensive reactions.

Thanks again!  I do have some more questions to add about specific situations we are dealing with, but I don't want everyone to get tired of my novels!   

defogging