Adult daughter dumped us

[LifeinOZ]

My 33 year old step daughter told both my husband and I two weeks ago that she was moving on without us. She didn't want my husband to give his sister away at her wedding. When he did, we got a text that she doesn't need a dad who puts others before her and lucky for her she and her kids will be just fine without us. She did send me a text separately telling me she would like to keep our relationship but it's too intertwined and best for her family's wellbeing to move forward without us.

I'm wondering if any of you out there with adult children who have walked away - have they come back?  My fear is that eventually she will come back and things will still be awful because she is so angry that she didn't get her way. (She almost always gets her way, so she is in very new circumstances.) While I fear what it will be like when she comes back, I also hate this separation because I really miss my grandkids.

Any input would be very much appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

LifeinOZ,

I'm so sorry it's come to this

My experience with BPD loved ones is that they sometimes go silent (with a bang) because they need to regulate intense emotions. And the disorder is such that they have to blame you for it.

After your husband received the text from her, how did he respond?

How did you respond to your text?

Is it realistic that she is able to move on without you... .meaning, is she in the same town or staying in touch with other family members?

[LifeinOZ]

Livednlearned,

We responded: "Hopefully someday you'll feel differently. We love you."

She lives about 100 miles from us and has deleted all of our family and mutual friends from Facebook.

[incadove]

Hi LifeinOZ  - it feels like that sometimes I think!

All cases are different, my dd I think did not have full blown BPD, but we did experience some periods of being 'dumped' that have now been healed, and in a good way.  My other dd communicated to me that at some times when she was very low contact, that she was just overwhelmed.  So not to excuse this really hurtful behavior and not to minimize your pain!  But I think you did the right thing to respond in a loving and low-pressure way, and I hope that she does come round in time.

 

[livednlearned]

We responded: "Hopefully someday you'll feel differently. We love you."

She lives about 100 miles from us and has deleted all of our family and mutual friends from Facebook.

Like incadove says, going silent can happen for different reasons. It's possible that if this didn't trigger her, something else would. BPD sufferers tend to create scenarios that reflect how they feel inside. Unloved, alone, rejected, abandoned.

My guess is that the note, which was lovely, may have perpetuated her belief that she is unlovable.

With BPD sufferers, it helps to validate how they feel (without agreeing with their reality). This is not an intuitive skill, and while easy to learn can be challenging when put into practice. I learn and learn again every day. 

"When I reflect back on how you felt to see your dad give his sister away, I can see how that felt very difficult for you. Weddings can bring up so many emotions, and I am so sad that this one was painful for you. That difficult day happened, and there is no way to undo it. I wonder how we can mend this so you feel safe again being with your family."

Or something like that.

You may not get a response.

It validates how she feels without agreeing that it was wrong, which may open the door a little without a hint of shame about her feelings (that are real to her).

With some BPD sufferers, sometimes the best thing is to ignore the rift -- keep writing to her as though she is in your life, without bringing up the past. I think a challenge for BPD sufferers is that they do not resolve hurts and grievances, each one is stored in a repository like a library of hurt-books that they constantly flip through.

[Wanttounderstand]

Livednlearned - I love this thread and the responses you have gotten. Our BPD daughter left our whole family after her grandfather passed away. She told us it has always been her intention to do so. It has been six months since she disappeared without letting us know where she would be living. I texted to her on her 25th birthday no got no response.

My husband is fine "taking a break" from her right now. Life with her is very painful and confusing. As her mom though, my heart aches and I think about her several times a day. I've been told they do come back when they need something
(We cut her off financially when she left) but she will still be angry.

The advice I have gotten on this forum is to realize that "What is... .is" and learn to live my life without this consuming me. I still have to go on even though it feels like a death. My expectations of having a daughter are nothing like things have turned out.

I continue to pray every day that God will somehow bring her to her senses, restore her to Himself (she is angry at God as well) and then bring her back to us like the prodigal son... .

[LifeinOZ]

Wanttounderstand,

I'm sorry about your daughter. It's only been two weeks and while I feel somewhat unsettled, I cannot lie, it's the most peaceful two weeks I've had in a very, very long time. It takes so much energy to keep up with her waves of drama and unending manipulation.

My husband is comparing this to a hurricane. We can't control that something swooped in and took something from us... .but we survived, and we need to show gratitude for the wonderful life we have and live it! I read something today that went like this: don't look at the empty seat at the table, look at the rest of the chairs filled with people who showed up.

It's not easy - that's for sure.

Wishing you peace.

[Wanttounderstand]

Life in Oz -  I like your husband's attitude. I am also thankful I have a similar minded husband to go through this with. You are right, It is a break... .I'm not panicking every time the phone rings because I know it won't be her. I've gone from worrying about her constantly to praying for her when she comes to mind. I'm hoping now that I am out of the picture God can accomplish what He wants in her life.

I have made different plans for the holidays this year so that there will not be the "empty chair". I cried through the first couple of Christmases every time I heard a Christmas song and had to cancel guests for Christmas Eve. Now we will be celebrating in two different venues with new family members. I will also keep my radio station to my favorites and skip holiday songs.

I packed up her room which was a monument to her and all of her horse show ribbons and trophies. I took down all pictures of my daughter alone and just left family photos.

Being grateful for what is and not dwelling on the past or trying to figure out what happened keeps me sane.

Thank you and Wishing you peace as well.

[LifeinOZ]

Hello everyone,

Just checking in to see if there are any updates on parents who have been left behind by their adult children.

I'm sending hugs and warm thoughts out to all of you!

Wishing you peace today (and every day!)

[Huat]

Over the years there have been many periods of n/c with our uBPD daughter (age now 51).  She first ran away at age 12.  Had she not been the parent to our only two grandchildren, maybe I would have handled things differently... .maybe.   She well knew the button to push and I never disappointed her with my reactions.  Yes, I too have cried through Christmases, birthdays, etc.  Life is all about making choices.  You choose to be happy or sad.  I had chose to be sad way too long.

I am currently in a n/c episode with my daughter but this time (first time ever!), because of her escalating verbal abuse, it is MY decision.  She has to agree to joint counselling before I pick up on any kind of a relationship again.  I am prepared.

I so understand what those who have posted before me write about enjoying the peace... .the absence of constant drama.  When you are confident (and I am!) that you have tried everything in your power to stabilize the situation and nothing has worked, it is time to back off and let life happen. 

[abcdefg1]

Wow can I relate to this thread. My adult BPD daughter who is divorced and the mom of our 2 grandchildren dumped us now as well. If we ever want to see the kids, we call her now, and she manipulates the situation as much as possible (see my post). I wish you and all of us peace and know exactly how heartbreaking this is, and how the children are the victims... Sending hugs.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[LifeinOZ]

I am currently in a n/c episode with my daughter but this time (first time ever!), because of her escalating verbal abuse, it is MY decision.  She has to agree to joint counselling before I pick up on any kind of a relationship again.  I am prepared.

    I completely understand this! In fact, this is one of my biggest fears is that she will decide to communicate with us again only to beat us up some more. My husband is recovering (very nicely) from open heart surgery and both of us, along with a really good counselor have made the decision that stress is not good for him. It's really not good for any of us - ever- but his current condition makes it even more bothersome. If she tries to re-enter our world, I would very much like to suggest counseling.

I like that you came forward and said the non communication period is your choice this time around. I know that it must be very difficult. There were several times in the past few months that it took everything in me to not tell her, "peace out, Baby, have a nice life." It was all-consuming and so when she finally sent the message that she was moving on without us, there was some relief because I no longer had the fear of exploding and shutting her out.