Is this BPD, should I try to get her help?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all!

I would like to know if this person has BPD. I think this is a fairly interesting story so please take the time to read it and thank you in advance for any responses. The relationship has been a rollercoaster, to say the least. Writing all this down I feel like a bit of a fool however I did love her a lot.

I met her at work and we developed a friendship after some time as she used to drive me home, she told me very early on that all of her friends had “abandoned” her due to sleeping with one of her friend's exes. Of course, I felt sorry for her. She also talked about sex very quickly and her family issues, I found this openness quite attractive (very foolish I know).

Moving on I did not see her for a while as I was working abroad, when I came back she was all over me when drunk, we did not sleep together but made out.

After a few months of having sex and fooling around, I decided to break it off. This lasted 2 weeks, I felt I had made a mistake and reengaged with the relationship. I noticed that she had lost an incredible amount of weight in this 2 weeks, I asked her about it but she said she had been going to the gym a lot.

Either way, our relationship grew, she was very loving, introduced me to her parents and it became amazing and we were really happy.

I was then delivered a bombshell about 6 months in, she told me she had been diagnosed with anorexia. She was not underweight but she said she had been making herself sick and not eating and had to see a therapist. I believe she also avoided a key session where she was going to be put on meds, she was very good at masking her feelings. I noticed retrospectively that her eyes used to be bloodshot a lot, from making herself sick, I asked her about this she denied it. This was when I began to believe she was a habitual liar. Never the less I was extremely supportive, I think many men would have run a mile, this perhaps highlights my own problem of thinking I can fix people.

Anyway we carried on she went to uni in Oxford, I moved to London, we saw each other every weekend, she always wanted to come to London. When at uni she would claim to me that she was alone all the time (despite her having lots of flat mates, who seemed to be her friends as well as me). It was very tough for me my job was extremely demanding and I have since left, I do believe this didn't help the relationship at all. She suggested she wanted to move in with me over the summer. I said this was fine but had advised against it. She convinced me it was the best thing. We were very close and intimate the whole time. She said I was the best ever, wanted to get married, constantly telling me she loves me, I reciprocated all this. On the day she was meant to move in she broke up with me.

This cycle continued, with 2 more break ups always as we were just about to get close. However, the reason I am writing this now is I think she is heading for a crisis. The most recent time we got back together I did not see or speak to her for 2 months. When I met up with her again, she seemed a lot better, had gained weight, and it felt like the time when we were really happy.  However, it came crashing down a few days ago. In this 1.5 months, we were sort of together these things happened. It is only in retrospect that I realise how crazy all this is as she was able portray that she was happy up until the last few days.

-She was ill a lot
-Had urinated blood
-Went on a 2 day drug-induced bender
-Nearly got sacked from her job
-Gave me an STD
-Started a new diet and claimed she was eating less
-Sent home from a club - nose bleed due to cocaine
-Missed uni
-Pressured me into buying drugs
-Had a major fall out with her father
-lied to her family about me
-left uni for a weekend, claiming she was feeling too low (this was a few days before we broke up, she wanted to see me all the time at this stage)
-organized a family holiday with her only close friend's boyfriend.
-organized a holiday in which she is staying with only boys

I am still having realisations of her behaviour even now as I write this. I felt as though I was under a spell and since not speaking to her I actually feel a lot better myself. What should I do?

[samsmithfan]

Hi all!

I would like to know if this person has BPD. I think this is a fairly interesting story so please take the time to read it and thank you in advance for any responses. The relationship has been a rollercoaster, to say the least. Writing all this down I feel like a bit of a fool however I did love her a lot.

I met her at work and we developed a friendship after some time as she used to drive me home, she told me very early on that all of her friends had “abandoned” her due to sleeping with one of her friend's exes. Of course, I felt sorry for her. She also talked about sex very quickly and her family issues, I found this openness quite attractive (very foolish I know).

Moving on I did not see her for a while as I was working abroad, when I came back she was all over me when drunk, we did not sleep together but made out.

After a few months of having sex and fooling around, I decided to break it off. This lasted 2 weeks, I felt I had made a mistake and reengaged with the relationship. I noticed that she had lost an incredible amount of weight in this 2 weeks, I asked her about it but she said she had been going to the gym a lot.

Either way, our relationship grew, she was very loving, introduced me to her parents and it became amazing and we were really happy.

I was then delivered a bombshell about 6 months in, she told me she had been diagnosed with anorexia. She was not underweight but she said she had been making herself sick and not eating and had to see a therapist. I believe she also avoided a key session where she was going to be put on meds, she was very good at masking her feelings. I noticed retrospectively that her eyes used to be bloodshot a lot, from making herself sick, I asked her about this she denied it. This was when I began to believe she was a habitual liar. Never the less I was extremely supportive, I think many men would have run a mile, this perhaps highlights my own problem of thinking I can fix people.

Anyway we carried on she went to uni in Oxford, I moved to London, we saw each other every weekend, she always wanted to come to London. When at uni she would claim to me that she was alone all the time (despite her having lots of flat mates, who seemed to be her friends as well as me). It was very tough for me my job was extremely demanding and I have since left, I do believe this didn't help the relationship at all. She suggested she wanted to move in with me over the summer. I said this was fine but had advised against it. She convinced me it was the best thing. We were very close and intimate the whole time. She said I was the best ever, wanted to get married, constantly telling me she loves me, I reciprocated all this. On the day she was meant to move in she broke up with me.

This cycle continued, with 2 more break ups always as we were just about to get close. However, the reason I am writing this now is I think she is heading for a crisis. The most recent time we got back together I did not see or speak to her for 2 months. When I met up with her again, she seemed a lot better, had gained weight, and it felt like the time when we were really happy.  However, it came crashing down a few days ago. In this 1.5 months, we were sort of together these things happened. It is only in retrospect that I realise how crazy all this is as she was able portray that she was happy up until the last few days.

-She was ill a lot
-Had urinated blood
-Went on a 2 day drug-induced bender
-Nearly got sacked from her job
-Gave me an STD
-Started a new diet and claimed she was eating less
-Sent home from a club - nose bleed due to cocaine
-Missed uni
-Pressured me into buying drugs
-Had a major fall out with her father
-lied to her family about me
-left uni for a weekend, claiming she was feeling too low (this was a few days before we broke up, she wanted to see me all the time at this stage)
-organized a family holiday with her only close friend's boyfriend.
-organized a holiday in which she is staying with only boys

I am still having realisations of her behaviour even now as I write this. I felt as though I was under a spell and since not speaking to her I actually feel a lot better myself. What should I do?

[Subaru02]

As some more involved posters here have clearly outlined when I first posted, the forum cannot conclude any official diagnosis but there are certainly a lot of traits. I'd say especially the ups and downs, the cycles, and the wreckless things she does to herself and to others.

It can be a mix of different disorders not necessarily limited to BPD, but someone with such fluctuating behavior and romantic feelings definitely needs a form of therapy and a step back from intimate relationships.

As for you, have you given any thought to why you put up with this, are your boundaries healthy ? Were you so happy to be this close to a woman, or maybe felt or still feel you could "rescue her" in some way or form?

I know its easy to say, I know its easy to be objective for someone outside the situation but I think that No Contact, is the best thing for your health. If she is hurting herself to get your attention you might need to get someone close to her aware of the problem but you need to step bakc and reassess your involvement with this person and if you wish to really be stuck in this mess for another breakup/STD or drug issue that could potentially get you a number of different problems. Whatever she is offering you romantically is not worth the problems she is going to keep bringing to your life, respect yourself enough to walk away and know something better is out there for you.

The most confusing thing with people like this, TO ME atleast is that the more they involve you in their problems the more you feel like you are close to them and that can make you feel like you are bonding and a hero for them, but its the way they operate, and they easily discard a good caring person when someone else comes along.

Give that some thought.

[samsmithfan]

Thank you for the reply. I do feel that No Contact is definitely the way forward. I think I put up with this because of the hope it would return back to normalcy and a desire to fix things. I think I lied to myself.  Making this realization has given me an enormous sense of clarity. I guess as an intellectual person I am very curious so the more I learn about these sort of mental health problems the better it makes me feel and the easier it is for me to understand why she is the way she is and that it is not something personal against me as a person.

[Subaru02]

I am very curious and intellectual and thats why its so painful when you can't understand people who act irrationally in life.

I overthink, find reasons and explanations for her "bu11sh1t" lies/actions and disappointing behavior and it never ends.


Ever since I started reading about BPD I was like "Common man, don't start giving her a mental illness to make yourself feel better about all this" but the reality is that the more I read the more its frightening how it all happened this way like it was programmed to.

I lied to myself aswell (I AM NOT PERFECT I ALSO TRIGGERED HER TOO & I know that at times I could probably have been more understanding of her thought process had I known more about this before!) but then again I don't want someone disordered in my life, I'm looking for something sustainable that doesn't require me to always be on my best behavior in fears she will react in some way unacceptable or bluntly dump me for another guy as she has done twice. We all stick around WAY TOO LONG with these people addicted to the highs even though we do get the lows that make us feel like we should LEAVE but then they have this way of convincing us to step back into the circle and for a while we think it'll be ok. Its always the same cycles, good for a while, REALLY BAD, good for a while, REALLY BAD and some point it gets old and I started to distance myself from her without even understanding "why" I felt guilty for purposely going LC in our relationship so that I could get some of my sanity back, after going LC for a while she would worry about my intentions and become super NICE and CLINGY so I would get wrapped up in her love bombing again and then it would start over. I was actually on the right path without knowing it but she had this way of making me feel bad for givign her less attention.

Guess what, that free time I was giving her by going LC and trying to restore a more healthy communication by not being so needy with each other, she wasn't getting her needs met and this gave her enough space to find someone else. Who knows how long he was filling that gap, who knows if HE even knows she was emotionally cheating on me while clearly showing interest for him. All I can say now is that she waited for him to make a clear move OR atleast waited to feel he was into her enough that she could discard me. Which she did very cowardly over text message and then disappeared claiming she had found the perfect life she dreamed of. I took it hard, it was a slam to my ego, my heart and it felt like betrayal. Even if I knew she was "Mrs. Rightnow" and not "Mrs.Forever", even if I was already trying to detach from her because her behavior was bad, I somehow got caught in the trap of her replacing me and it sent me spiraling for weeks.

As I said on another post, after 50 days NC I'm starting to get my sanity back and I don't care as much about her whereabouts and what she does. She'll continue this cycle of bullox because she completely rids herself of any guilt or fault for the relationship ending. Sad, she will have to come to terms with herself one day and that's when it is going to hurt the most.

[samsmithfan]

Subaru02. A lot of what you said has really resonated with me, thanks. It's crazy, I was so close to ending it so many times, knowing it wasn't right but I convinced myself. In the latest breakup, I wanted to end it but instead I confessed that I wanted to make it work and loved her, it was the next day she ended it. She gave the excuse that it was her family that didn't approve of me and that if I we continued I would of gone back to my old ways of not being there enough for her... .so irrational. I was mad, I shouted, I felt betrayed as well. However I hold on to the fact that maybe I was never really that into her, she was just a problem that I wanted to find a solution for. When I think back nothing good actually came out of our relationship apart from a highly charged sex life as well as the approval of my peers as she was extremely good looking, not exactly the foundations for a substantial relationship. Perhaps I am a slightly cold person, but I would rather think about it this way than get bogged down in the emotions of what could of been. Thankfully I have learnt all these lessons at the age of 26, I can now go on with the knowledge of what I don't want from a woman and my life, I hope for you it will be the same. Even though it has only been 4 days, I have been through this before, I can feel the mental fog lift and I do feel really optimistic about the future and I hope it will be the same for you!

[Subaru02]

Yep, I'm 27 and just learned a huge load about ALL THIS. When I say all this I mean relationships, disorders, breakups, working on ourselves, becoming a better person, finding what you want in life, looking for a set of hobbies you like, working out, eating well. I kind of like my new self without her in it. I've ridden myself of that needyness that she made develop, it feels like she planted a seed for me to  become NEEDY of her, she needs to feel needed.

I took her in my life and she loved the sex with me I was her second boyfriend and she went crazy in bed I showed her so many things it was so fun at first, she discovered her body so much with me and she would tell me how much I developped her sexually and that it was really fun and exciting with me... .

It sucks because now she's become much more "naughty" and has a good sexual background and its almost like she wants to explore that with other people... .we had a very sexually charged life, she transformed into a girl that would talk to me dirty often I put her sex life into overdrive she would never talk about that stuff before. So it hurts to think she shares that energy with someone else now that she's developped so well with me.

As for you saying how she felt you were not there enough for her, she felt the same way and really thinks a new guy will offer her what I can't offer her. She sees no fault in jumping from guy to guy and really convinces herself she's already ready for something new again. But you're right nothing came good of the relationship, I wasn't into her that much when she was AROUND and TOO AVAILABLE she was getting on my nerves I couldn't even see her good looking features anymore I could only see the ugliness through her personality and bad behavior.

And I think thats the problem, we forget WHO they are and remember who we WISH they were. Brain plays tricks, but the reality is that if I was treating her a certain way its that she was really unappreciative, immature, jealous, needy and insecure to a point where I had lost respect and attraction for her that even if the sex life was good I wasn't that into having sex with her at the end because we would just fight.

So why am I hurting now that she's replaced me? Why does it bother me so much? I think its the betrayal, its the lies is the secrets she hid to make sure I didn't know of her underlying plan to leave me when she'd be ready to. Its the fact that once presented with the facts and confronted that I found out she did not really honestly break up with me but rather she "left so she could be with him". Which pissed me off.

In essence, I was ready to have her OUT OF MY LIFE without having a backup plan, when she told me she wanted out I agreed I was like (FINALLY THIS ROLLERCOASTER IS OVER I DON'T EVEN MISS HER LATELY) and then I see her the week after with another guy and thats when it wasn't losing her that hurt me its her lies and the hypocracy/falseness that she had basically shown me.
I regret being weak and during that confrontation I allowed me feelings to come through I told her I DID LOVE HER genuinely but that she never changed or improved her immature behavior, and that now again she was leaving me and already had sex with another and she shows NO remorse no guilt everything is fine for her its just like it was a normal thing to do. Line up a replacement, breakup, have sex and call it a day.

Probably a good thing I got rid of her at 27, still young enough in life to find a beautiful healthy woman to share valuable time with!

Cheers