He broke up (again) today

[pearlsw]

Hi TH,

I used to call hotlines for emotional support when he was acting very extreme in the past year. It was very unnerving - his behavior - and unpredictable. I just needed to hear my speak the truth of my reality to someone - anyone. I was desperate and alone. They all want to tell you to leave the person though... .so you have to set that with them up front that that is not what the discussion is about. They don't understand dysregulation or how people with BPD speak. I didn't understand dysregulation either last year.  

I have no friends in the country I am in and it is a 7-9 hour time difference to call relatives in the States. And no one in my life really knows what is going on. They would be very hurt and upset to hear about things... .and until I am ready to leave, if we do break up, I don't think it is worth upsetting them. I wish I could be different about this, but I have been this way for 40+ years, being very private about relationship stuff and I want to stall on this unless I absolutely have to.

He didn't say much before he left. Just the ideas he and the lawyer cooked up. It was just a coincidence he was at her house that day. If he had seen her a week earlier he would have been saying how happy he is and how he wanted to move to the US with me, etc. I have learned you can't really trust his emotions - he is so extreme in either direction. He means well, when he is in a white phase, I am sure, but he... .can't regulate his emotions.  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DaddyBear77]

Hey pearlsw - as requested... .just a quick reminder to eat something and ask what kinds of things you’ve done today to take care of yourself.

[pearlsw]

Aw DaddyBear! You are too kind! I ate two meals today and I cleaned the tile floors, but other than that I am pretty frozen. I am not well... .mild chest pains, teeth are hurting (a stress symptom I have at times)... .Feeling a bit sad and empty. It is so hard to be blindsided and to feel hated. I thought we were doing so well. I knew it wouldn't last, but the longer the white phases get it makes it feel a bit too secure... .He dropped very low, very fast. I am trying not to second guess myself.

I have one hour of human contact scheduled for tomorrow... .and it will take me an hour or two to study for it ahead of time so I have that to look forward to.

Thanks for the company! Especially while you are also in the midst of a really tough time!