Family wants me to do nothing to keep the peace with my sister.

[My New Normal]

It happened again.
How did we get here again?
We were getting along so well.

I say this to myself each time a normal conversation with my sister explodes into an argument. As I write this we are not speaking to each other. It’s a familiar pattern; we fight and then go a long time without speaking. Each time I tell myself I won’t let it happen again, that I will figure out a way to get along with her this time.  

Sometimes there is an apology but mostly there is just silence. Time passes and I am encouraged by family members to leave it and just move on. I acquiesce to keep the peace, because she is family, and because everyone else does. For some reason she gets a pass, every time.

When we do reconnect, I am nervous. I walk on eggshells, being very careful what I say. I keep things superficial. I offer no opinions and I reveal nothing about my feelings. I listen mostly and try to only engage with “safe” topics.  I know deep down that there are no safe topics. That at some point one of the safe comments I have made will be thrown back in my face in anger. Yet each time I try.

Sometimes it blows up right away and we start over. Other times we get along for a long time. I let my guard down. I convince myself that maybe she has changed. Maybe it will be different this time. I have always been jealous of the relationships that others seem to have with their siblings. I wonder if maybe, now that we are both in our forties, that we too can be close like sisters are supposed to be.

I was so sure that we had broken through the pattern. I was moving back close to family. She was super excited. She wanted to see me as soon as I got into town. I was happy to see her too. We hugged and I had my sister back. We spoke on the phone a lot. She confided in me and I started confiding in her. It was better this time.

Until it wasn’t.

I am usually so careful with what I say and how I speak to her. Always worried about setting her off. Most of the time I am able to control my words even when I’m seething inside. This day though I couldn’t contain myself. She was questioning something I was doing in a way that made me feel like she thought I was unfit to make the decision. I made a smart-ass comment in response, I know it wasn’t a nice thing to say, but I was at my breaking point. The phone call ended shortly after that and I thought nothing of it. I thought nothing of it because we were in a different place now, things were better.

It came a few days later. A missed phone call from her and a voice mail that made my blood boil. I didn’t even listen to it all. I called her back and she immediately started yelling and calling me names. I hung up because I feared what I might say in response. What came next was a litany of abusive text messages. Tearing apart my character, questioning my parenting skills, accusing me of not taking care of our Mother who was recovering from surgery.

She even had the nerve to say that I was the abusive one and that she wasn’t going to take it anymore. She told me she was finally going to stand up for herself because I needed to reap what I sow. She took things I had told her in confidence and twisted them around to prove her point about how horrible a person I am. My efforts to calm her down or question her were met with more accusations of manipulation and sneaky abuse. I was told I need to stop acting like the victim.

It went on and on for hours with a few pauses in the middle. The next morning, I got another message saying that she was coming from a place of love and was just worried about our Mom. That perhaps she overreacted but that sometimes these conversations just need to be had. Other than a call my kids and I made singing Happy Birthday on her voice mail, we have had no further contact.

So here I am again. Back in the familiar space where I am furious that I allowed her to attack me again. Furious at myself for not fighting back, and yet proud that I didn’t allow myself to sink to her level. Knowing that once something is said, it can never be taken back.

I am also confused. If this is really the way she feels about me then I must be a truly horrible person. If that’s true then why does she continue to reach out at some point for reconciliation? If this isn’t the way she really feels about me, if she really loves me then why does she say such horrible things to me? I don’t know where this leaves our relationship either. I know my parents want me to let it go to maintain the family peace, but I’m not sure how much longer I can continue to do that.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome My New Normal! 

Thank you for sharing what is going on in your life. Oh how familiar it sounds, the merry-go-round you've described. Other members here will be able to relate for yours is a story that we all recognize. It is classic behavior of a pwBPD.

Have you taken a look at the list on the right hand side of our board near the top? There are some really good points there that will give you some basic information. Has your sister been diagnosed with BPD? Here is a link offering some help for you:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

Have you ever seen a T to get extra support for yourself? Unfortunately those with BPD typically do not change and you'll have to keep yourself healthy in order to maintain any contact with her. There are skills that can help you along the way, but I know it is so hard. It takes time to learn them but let me encourage you to hang in there and be kind to yourself as you learn them.

 
Wools

[Pilpel]

When we do reconnect, I am nervous. I walk on eggshells, being very careful what I say. I keep things superficial. I offer no opinions and I reveal nothing about my feelings. I listen mostly and try to only engage with “safe” topics.  I know deep down that there are no safe topics. That at some point one of the safe comments I have made will be thrown back in my face in anger. Yet each time I try.

I've struggled with this with my n/BPD sil.  Sometimes she can come off as somewhat normal.  And so I make an effort to engage with her in a normal way.  She's a grown adult, with children.  She presents an image of being somewhat functional.  I just saw her yesterday.  It was weird at first, kind of tense. But then she warmed up... . And then in the middle of what I thought was a polite conversation, she asked me something that was rude, presumptuous, and suddenly made me aware that her mental space was still very narcissistic.  

My family has kept the peace for years.  I see it's a habit with my dad.  He thinks he's doing the right thing, but he has the false self-perception that he's much bolder with her than he really is.  And he allows her to control things, even to mistreat my mom.  My mom also tries to keep the peace.  But I know she vacillates between resenting her and then acting like everything is getting better.  And then she convinces herself that by begrudgingly sacrificing her needs to the desires of her N/BPD DIL, she's doing a good thing for my brother and his marriage.  Yet however much she puts up with, she frequently expresses that she'd like to see me cut her out of my life.  

[My New Normal]

Thanks.

She does not have an official diagnosis that I am aware now. I know that at one time she was treated for depression and I remember her comment was that she was happy they didn't tell her she had bipolar disorder. I'm not sure why one is better or worse than another. She was on meds for a short period of time but has been off them for a long time. She is pretty much anti-medicine in all aspects of her life.

I don't think anyone has approached her about seeking help now. I'm pretty sure I know how that conversation would go and I suspect no one is brave enough to engage in it.

I have not sought help for this. I lived far from family for the last 12 years so I didn't really have to deal with her. But now that I'm back close to everyone I'm being reminded just how difficult it is for me to interact with her.

At the moment we're still not speaking so I have peace. But I guess that won't last forever so maybe talking to someone could be helpful.

I'm just grateful that I don't have to deal with her on a daily basis like my parents do. She is constantly calling them with whatever latest crisis is going on. She gets them all revved up and stressed. Then when they talk to her next, she is completely over it and minimizes the situation, admitting it wasn't really that bad. In the meantime my Mother has spent days worrying about something that my sister forgot about once she hung up the phone. It's just not right for her to do that.