6 months into a r'ship with Ms BPD - is it as bad as YouTube shows it to be?

[Jera]

Hi Everyone, I'm new here.

I'm 6 months into a romantic relationship with Ms BPD.
It hasn't been a smooth ride and I have no experience with this.
I actually find it difficult to believe anyone can actually be as irrational as I've watched her be.

I've had several 'exit point' opportunities over the last 6 months but I keep allowing her back in, for a whole gamet of reasons from 'I love her', 'I love how she loves me', 'I want the life she is promising me' to the 'If I just love her enough maybe she will feel safe and secure and the outbursts will lessen'.

For a bit of background I am a 40 year old widow, my wife of ten years (same sex marriage) was killed in a pedestrian accident 22 months ago she left me with a 4 year old daughter and a 3 week old daughter.
I hadn't ever imagined dating again, we had the most supportive, encouraging, healthy, respectful love and I couldn't imagine allowing anyone else into my heart, let alone help me parent my children.

Ms BPD is 43, She is a financially secure independent woman and a surfer (we live in Australia). She lives an 8 hour drive from me (which I am currently grateful for) we have done a lot of travelling to spend time with each other over the past 6 months, its been a whirlwind.
She initially made contact with me on Facebook to offer condolences about my late wife (her death was very public). I was polite and chatted a little but was very defensive when it became clear that she was looking for something more.
Anyway... .she pursued me relentlessly, showered me with attention and gifts and it was a lovely feeling to be wanted again. I also really enjoyed getting to know her, she was so different form anyone else I had met before, I was intrigued.

Now I'm in deep, I love her deeply, We talk for hours every day, I've let my kids get to know her, we've enjoyed holidays at each others homes, we've made plans for the future, we've confided in one another and had an 80% really wonderful relationship.
That other 20% is a kicker.
It's irrational, verbally abusive, critical, condescending, relentless, unpredictable (or predictable in that she manages to ruin so many good things that we are about to do).
She changes her mind on plans we've made at the drop of a hat and expects me and my kids to jump on board and change our plans NOW, with no respect for what is going on in our lives or any of the other people that are involved in our lives.

I've never argued with someone so much in any relationship.
In an argument she is absolutely nasty and controlling and twists words and the blame - its really quite mind blowing to witness.

She was honest about her mental health issues very early on - but I could not have imagined how they would play out in real life.

I'm still trying to work through my grief of losing my spouse, still trying to make sure my kids are ok and still trying to work out how to do life on my own.

In the beginning I  thought she was an absolute gift, that she came into my life to breath life back into me and show me a new an amazing love - "How lucky could I be?" I thought to myself.
I miss the woman I met in those early days.

But I guess now I just want to ask all of you - does it get any better?
Does it get easier if I love her enough? Does the relationship get calmer if she is able to work out that I do love her and just want to be with her in peace and happiness?

Am I kidding myself that I can make this work without the heart ache?

Thank you.

 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

Hi Jera,

I am so sorry about the loss of your wife. That is tragic and traumatic. One idea that I got when reading your post is that this new relationship came into your life when you were in a very vulnerable place. Grief is tough and when someone or something makes you feel good in the midst of that kind of emotional pain, we may not be as objective or emotionally available as we would be if we met them at a better time.

There are tools and techniques to help with relationship skills. You asked if the relationship gets better if you loved her enough? I don't think the problem is loving "enough". You do love her enough. But if love alone could change an SO with BPD, I believe that many would be cured. Relationship dynamics changes often come through personal changes.

It may be that you need some time and self care to process your grief over the loss of your wife before making any big decisions about a new relationship. Sometimes self care is helpful. Are you seeing a counselor? A grief support group? I know you are concerned about Ms BPD, but what are you doing to take care of you?

[Tattered Heart]

HI Jera

I"m so sorry to hear about the loss of your partner. I watched my mom go through losing my dad and I know that going through loss like that is very difficult.

The beginning of your relationship sounds very familiar. Lots of attention, gifts, making you feel special. It all happens very quickly and then you find yourself emotionally bonded to someone and that's when the relationship starts to get tough. We have an article on How a BPD Relationship Evolves . This will give you an idea of what is going on in your relationship.

Living with someone with BPD takes a lot of commitment and work with the understanding that your pwBPD may never get help or even work on changing themselves. Your focus to improvement will be solely on your own reactions, responses, boundaries, etc. to your pwBPD. One of our lessons called The Dos and Dont's of a BPD Relationship will give you a general rundown of things to begin thinking about and working on in yourself.

There is hope. It can get better.

[pearlsw]

I've never argued with someone so much in any relationship.
In an argument she is absolutely nasty and controlling and twists words and the blame - its really quite mind blowing to witness.

I'm still trying to work through my grief of losing my spouse, still trying to make sure my kids are ok and still trying to work out how to do life on my own.

But I guess now I just want to ask all of you - does it get any better?
Does it get easier if I love her enough? Does the relationship get calmer if she is able to work out that I do love her and just want to be with her in peace and happiness?

Am I kidding myself that I can make this work without the heart ache?

Hi Jera,

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. I know that it takes a lot of time to work through grief and I see too that you have a lot of responsibility caring for your young kids. I can also relate to feeling like you've met someone who can breathe some new energy into your life. The comment you made about never having so much conflict in a relationship is also familiar. I think love (and compassion) can make a big difference, but it won't solve all of your problems. These types of relationships require a new set of relationship skills in my experience, and it takes time to implement them, but they can make a difference. Only you can decide whether this is the right time to take this on and how much you have of yourself to invest into this. We are here to help support you as you find your way through this though!