2 Questions about how you think with BPD?

[42]

Hi Everyone

I have 2 questions I was hoping someone with BPD or highly experienced with it could answer for me.

Q) If you suffer from BPD do you struggle to / are unable to / or don't try to see things from another persons perspective? Surely even if you are purposely trying to manipulate someone you have to work out how they think in order to do it, and as such would gain an understanding of how they perceive things?

Q) I have read that those with BPD will often “box up” all their emotions and memories of a person they believe has treated them badly as a form of mental self defense to protect from the pain, and as a result can seem to recover from relationship breakups faster then “normal”. I understand the theory of this, especially if you ended the relationship, you would have had your reason, feel in control and would stick to your decision. However when you have been close to someone in an intimate relationship, shared a living space, done so much with them. In my experience so many things remind you of them - If you have BPD can you simply ignore this fact and completely forget them? Even if you "paint them black" if your reminded of them enough do you not get fatigued at being angry with them and start to question it?

Any insight would be very helpful thanks.

PS: sorry if this is the wrong place to post

[wendydarling]

Hi 42

Welcome. bpdfamily supports the family, partner and friend relationships with people with BPD.  Your Q's are directed to people with BPD, you'll gain a response from sites supporting people with BPD.

Are you are in a personal relationship with a loved one with BPD 42?

wendydarling

[42]

Hi Wendy

Sorry to clarify and give a quick background.

7 weeks ago I was dumped by my ExGF of 10months. She genuinely is a nice person I think deep down but has a real Dr Jeycle & Mr Hyde personality. She has never been diagnosed with BPD but is aware sometimes that she acts in a highly emotional way. Her closest friend (who introduced us) and family have all had problems with her in the past and thought she had Bypola disorder due to her extreme mood swings (and rare violent outbursts). She admits to having a massive fear of abandonment, seeing most things in black and white, and on occasion extreme OCD. She is highly intelligent, likeable and around strangers is completely charming. It’s only those who get close to her that she lashes out at. She has had a lot of relationships over the years (with some good and bad characters) and she really wants stability but seems to get so anxious once a relationship becomes serious that she can’t cope and drives people away.

Our r/s was similar to others on this forum. Amazing at first but then a struggle in the latter stages. She behaved terribly sometimes and on a couple of occasions went far to far! (Police involved for nothing…) I should have broken the r/s of myself but I loved her (still do really). Shortly before her birthday she dumped me over nothing really, saying she couldn’t cope with the fighting. After which I was cut out of anything to do with her special day (even tho I planned so much that went to waste). A week later we where due to go on vacation together, she made it clear to me she was going, but wasn’t interested in getting back together (it was a honeymoon destination). At first I wasn’t sure what to do, I spoke to her parents who told me she had made her decision and that they even thought it could be difficult going together. Eventually I told her I wasn’t going. She went on her own, posted a load of photos of how much fun she had (although it all seemed very faked).

I really suffered at this point, and have done since. I lost the girl I loved so much and the holiday I had been looking forward to, my upcoming year was planned around us. She has stayed in our joint apartment (which I countinue to pay half for until the lease expires) while I moved back to my old place. When she got back from the holiday I sent her an email explaining how to close our joint account, letting her have control of dividing up any remaining funds, but adding at the end how much I loved her and really missed her and didn’t want to loose her... .That was almost 2 months ago and I have never heard back (she closed the account within 24hrs of getting the email). From the very brief contact I have had with her family and friends they seemed sorry it had ended but have all kept there distance from me (not unsurprisingly, I don’t really blame them) and I have had no further contact with them either.

I miss her a lot but I know I’m not blameless, but also I’m really not that bad! I understand that I have done everything I can do and if she has decided she no longer loves me (which it is starting to seem clear) there is nothing I can do.

To be honest I’m scared a bit, my self confidence has been ruined, I hunk I have had some depression. Logically it all seemed perfect and now I feel like I have been chewed up and spat out by someone who was forever telling me she loved me...

I’m just looking for some clarity on how her head worked - I’m guessing I will never understand it, but thought I’d ask people who might no...

[once removed]

hi 42 and

wendydarling is correct that we are a support group for people with a BPD loved one in their life. youre in the right place.

we do have a great deal of information that may help answer your questions. a good place to start is here: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

to speak to your questions specifically:

Q) I have read that those with BPD will often “box up” all their emotions and memories of a person they believe has treated them badly as a form of mental self defense to protect from the pain,

i think you are talking about compartmentalization. everyone compartmentalizes to greater or lesser degrees, and someone with BPD traits may do it to greater, even extreme degrees.

one thing that i learned early on after my breakup, that i found both comforting and hard to swallow at the same time, was that my ex and i were on different pages toward the end of the relationship. she had mostly grieved the relationship while i hadnt. the ten beliefs in the PDF i shared speak to this.

keep posting and asking questions 42, it really helps. how can we best support you at this time? are you seeing a therapist?