Playing their game of " like it Never happened"

[Depression = 72% of members]

I think my uBPD mom can't help when she feels hurt, to dive into silent mode.
It's almost like she's emotionally under water and cannot utter a sound of;
I'm sorry or
It's almost like they are drowning in these emotions that she has to completely cut herself off from those feelings... .
But after a day or two (in which I cannot bear the silent treatment, I will be the first to make contact with her...
But...
I must pretend It Didn't Happen... .and Business as Usual.
Low and behold, she reumes talking to me.
It's very much like an emotional child.

I had to reach out for my own sanity, if playing the game of "Like It Never Happened" gets her to resume 'normal' conversation...
Then I will play... .KNOWING this is temporary, just for the duration that I'm staying here...
I need as little distractions as I can get ... with taking this online course for HVAC.

So that's what I did, I called her few mins ago (my routine has been to go out in the mornings with my dog and do my studying in my car/using my textbook and then taking my test(s) online via mobile...
I called to ask her what I can bring home from the store etc and she was just like it never happened.

<sigh>
Whatever

[JohnnyShoes]

I think my uBPD mom can't help when she feels hurt, to dive into silent mode.
It's almost like she's emotionally under water and cannot utter a sound of;
I'm sorry or
It's almost like they are drowning in these emotions that she has to completely cut herself off from those feelings... .
But after a day or two (in which I cannot bear the silent treatment, I will be the first to make contact with her...
But...
I must pretend It Didn't Happen... .and Business as Usual.
Low and behold, she reumes talking to me.
It's very much like an emotional child.

I had to reach out for my own sanity, if playing the game of "Like It Never Happened" gets her to resume 'normal' conversation...
Then I will play... .KNOWING this is temporary, just for the duration that I'm staying here...
I need as little distractions as I can get ... with taking this online course for HVAC.

So that's what I did, I called her few mins ago (my routine has been to go out in the mornings with my dog and do my studying in my car/using my textbook and then taking my test(s) online via mobile...
I called to ask her what I can bring home from the store etc and she was just like it never happened.

<sigh>
Whatever

[AskingWhy]

JohnnyShoes, having a BPD mother is one of the most devastating things a child can endure.  The maternal relationship is the first one a child experiences, and has the ability to really screw things up!

"Like it never happened" is very common in BPD.  It's not like that they choose not to remember the incidents, but they--thanks to their issues with object permanence and splitting--truly cannot recall what happened, especially during fits of rage.

You are correct that pwBPD are emotionally like infants and toddlers.

Decades ago my uBPD M slapped a sibling across the face when we were all small children.  The sibling was about 6 years old or so.  The sibling immediately, not surprisingly, starting crying.   Our uBPD M then launched into a character assassination without any guilt at all.  

Well into her old age the M had no recollection of slapping her own child across the face.  The sibling, once an adult, tried to talk about it with our mother but she denied it ever happened.  Then the M accused the sibling of starting to create a drama over something that did not happen and telling lies.  

[mav3rick]

Yeah, it's really the little things that make it all... .so strange.

My pwBPD had/s the dispensation to undermine my POV in almost imperceptible ways ESPECIALLY when it came to little things. I'd take a few minutes to do some chore, she'd complain to people that I wouldn't do it like it was some genuine fact, they'd all tell me I have do it... .when I DID do it. When it happens enough I'd forget that I did... .Just constantly living with weird crap like that.

So it's like, if you want to tell someone about it, they'd probably say something like: "So you have to pretend 'everything's normal', huh? Everyone has to do that from time to time. I get that it's annoying but what's the big deal?" ... .like people just don't understand how weird and meaninglessly vindictive/dramatic it all is. (I guess because they can't imagine/reference it?)

Hope that makes sense... .and I'm sorry you're going through all this. I also saw your post on having to live with her while you get your HVAC license. Just wanted to say that's a really big accomplishment, and that YOU CAN DO IT. Best of luck to you and feel free to post more if you need... .Take care.

[Notwendy]

It reminds me of the etch a sketch toy.

This was the game played in my FOO. BPD mom could say/ do whatever and we were expected to pretend it didn't happen. Pretending she was "normal" was the family rule.

Even if I am with my mother, I don't aim for any true relationship. I think she is too severely BPD to do that. About all I can do is manage my own boundaries. We get along better when I keep things superficial. Is she's doing the let's pretend - I don't try to change her perspective. It is what it is .

[madeline7]

My elderly uBPDm sometimes does not remember after she either rages or does the silent treatment. But there have been times when she initially says she does not remember, and then will recount very concisely what did transpire. And when she does this, there is a glimmer of pure nastiness in her expression, so manipulative and mean spirited. It makes it harder for me to be empathetic. She is extremely intelligent and high functioning, yet so disordered.

[Notwendy]

My mother also seems to have pleasure being manipulative and mean spirited.

To me, the purposeful "pretend it never happened" and the lies ( which she seems to enjoy) are the most damaging to our relationship. I can understand someone having a mental illness, and saying things they may not be able to fully control. However, this part- lying and pretending it didn't happen ( during times she knows it did) make it difficult to reconcile. This part is purposeful. Sometimes she really doesn't remember but sometimes she does, and it is hard to know when she is being honest or not.

[dillpickle]

JohnnyShoes, having a BPD mother is one of the most devastating things a child can endure.  The maternal relationship is the first one a child experiences, and has the ability to really screw things up!

"Like it never happened" is very common in BPD.  It's not like that they choose not to remember the incidents, but they--thanks to their issues with object permanence and splitting--truly cannot recall what happened, especially during fits of rage.

You are correct that pwBPD are emotionally like infants and toddlers.

Decades ago my uBPD M slapped a sibling across the face when we were all small children.  The sibling was about 6 years old or so.  The sibling immediately, not surprisingly, starting crying.   Our uBPD M then launched into a character assassination without any guilt at all.  

Well into her old age the M had no recollection of slapping her own child across the face.  The sibling, once an adult, tried to talk about it with our mother but she denied it ever happened.  Then the M accused the sibling of starting to create a drama over something that did not happen and telling lies.  

That sounds a lot like my experience too -- unfortunately.

My sister was arguing with my uBPD mom about something, and in a fit of rage, my uBPD mom threw a knife at her. My sister was sitting a few metres away, and thankfully it didn't make contact. But she still remembers it to this day, and unfortunately so do I. We were just kids back then.

My sister had confronted our mom about this (and no longer has a relationship with her), but mom denied it vehemently. She accused my sister of making it up herself, and using it as an excuse for her poor behaviour. My uBPD mom also tried to get me to agree that it never happened, and that my sister is a liar.

[Nadnareek]

I find I have to leave or just not talk. If I am serially verbally assaulted, I will leave that location but say for how long. The negativity toward me is constant these days. I welcome all suggestions.

[JohnnyShoes]

The worse is The Crying Wolf thing... over the years, she's pulled this manipulation... using her health and scaring the crap out of me...
To the point where I caught on...

Now that she's in her upper 80s and her health is frail...
I cannot tell when she moans in pain if she's seeking attention, trying to make me an emotional hostage or what.
All I know is, I can't play that game... I can't have my emotions in a blender anymore.
Its her own fault.

Never Cry Wolf, when there's No wolf around !

[bright_future_mama]

I had to go NC with my father who I suspect has BPD because of the fact that he denies everything.  We were taught to look like the perfect family growing up and I won't play the game anymore.  He says I am an exaggerator and liar just like my mother (who does have BPD).  Father is an addict, and has a grandiose sense of self.  He says I had the all American childhood and is in complete denial of his actions.  He asked me if I was a whore like my mother when I was 15.  He is in absolute complete denial of his behavior and how it affected us.  He told me I was unbalanced, meddlesome and that I find fault with everything.  True gaslighting.

[Notwendy]

My mother does the cry wolf thing too, and she is also elderly. We don't know what is real or not. Once I ignored it and got a call from her doctor that she was having surgery, other times it isn't anything.

It feels crazy as - we don't want to be manipulated or be enablers, yet we are not NC - as we don't feel we need to do that ( some people do, and I support their decision). We would not ignore a real need.

She is lovely to all her friends. I am sure they believe we are just horrible children who don't do enough for her. But also we feel as if we are taken for a ride when she is manipulative.

Sad for her, because if people with BPD fear abandonment - they make it tough to be there if they did need help.

One time she needed help getting a car repaired. We offered to help and she made it so hard to help her. If we asked her to call the car repair shop, she refused to call. We couldn't call because we didn't know her schedule. All she had to do was make one call, we'd do the rest, but darn- that call became an issue. By the time we got the car thing worked out, a simple process became complicated. This is just one example of the times I have tried to help her and she resists, then says she wants help at the same time.

[madeline7]

I see many similarities with NotWendy. We also try to help, but the term I use for my uBPDm is that she is a help seeking rejecter. That about sums it up. She thrives on the crisis and drama that ensues.

[Notwendy]

Help seeking rejector is a great term.

It's crazy making as she seems to like to be helpless and rescued, but also stay in control. So if you offer to help her, it has to be done HER way. She will even micromanage how we take her trash out- it has to be in THIS can and the can has to be exactly on THIS spot in the front yard and in at THIS exact time and when she is ready to show you where she wants it and then we are putting her out by making her tell us where to take the trash. And a simple task of rolling a trash can to the front of the yard becomes this ordeal. 

Once, I just took her trash bag and drove it to a dumpster to avoid this.

[Mariez]

That sounds a lot like my experience too -- unfortunately.

My sister was arguing with my uBPD mom about something, and in a fit of rage, my uBPD mom threw a knife at her. My sister was sitting a few metres away, and thankfully it didn't make contact. But she still remembers it to this day, and unfortunately so do I. We were just kids back then.

My sister had confronted our mom about this (and no longer has a relationship with her), but mom denied it vehemently. She accused my sister of making it up herself, and using it as an excuse for her poor behaviour. My uBPD mom also tried to get me to agree that it never happened, and that my sister is a liar.

YES... .wow these stories really hit home to me.  My mom threw a fork at my face at the dinner table when I was 6.  She says this never happened.  Yet, she also states that I was upsetting her then because I kept asking where my dad was and they were fighting.  How would you remember the situation from a random day so long ago unless you really did whip a fork at a 6 year old's face.